**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### ***************************THE BACK ISSUES********************************** *******************PARTS TWENTY-ONE TO TWENTY-FIVE************************** (Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia) ______________________________________________________________________________ 21 Today, 21 Today TOXIC MUTANT NINJA CUSTARD ############# ###### ###### ##### ### ######### ### ### ## ## ### ###### ### #### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ##### ### ### ### ### ### ### ### ######### Toxic Custard Workshop Files Number 21 - 31st October 1990 Written by Raymond Luxury-Yacht (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu) AND NOW, DUE TO POPULAR DEMAND... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - LENNOX: Good-morrow, noble sir. MACBETH: Mornin' all, have a good kip? MACDUFF: Is the king stirring, worthy thane? MACBETH: Nope, he got a bit piddly last night. MACDUFF: He did command me to call timely on him; I have almost slipped the hour. MACBETH: Cripes, well I'm not waking up the king; he'll have my head lopped off! MACDUFF: I know this is a joyful trouble to you; But yet 'tis one. MACBETH: Yeah well.... someone's gotta wake up the old git. This is the door. I'll go and put the kettle on. MACDUFF: I'll make to bold to call, For 'tis my limited service. [HE GOES IN] LENNOX: Goes the king hence to-day? MACBETH: Yeah, that's what it says in his appointment diary. LENNOX: The night has been unruly: where we lay, our chimneys were blown down, and as they say, Lamentings heard i'th'air, strange screams of death, And prophesying with accents terrible Of dire combustion and confused events New hatched to th'woeful time. The obscure bird Clamoured the livelong night: some say, the earth Was feverous and did shake. MACBETH: Yeah, I was pissed too. LENNOX: My young remembrance cannot parallel a fellow to it. [MACDUFF RETURNS] MACDUFF: O horror! horror! horror! Tongue, nor heart, Cannot conceive nor name thee! MACBETH, LENNOX: What's the matter? MACDUFF: Confusion now hath made his masterpiece! Most sacrilegious murder hath broke ope The Lord's anointed temple, and stole thence The life o'th' building. MACBETH: Come again? LENNOX: Mean you his majesty? MACDUFF: Approach the chamber, and destroy your sight With a new Gorgon: do not bid me speak; See, and then speak yourselves. MACBETH: Oh shit... And we only just had the carpet steam-cleaned. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - WELCOME BACK. AND NOW WE CROSS LIVE TO SCOTLAND, WHERE JONATHON DIMBLEBY IS ON THE SCENE, WAITING TO FILL US IN ON THE LATEST DEVELOPMENTS ON THE MURDER OF THE KING. JONATHON: Thank you Richard. I have with me here a nobleman of Scotland, in fact the man who found the murdered king. Mr Macduff, what has happened here? MACDUFF: Murder and treason! Look on death itself! up, up and see The great doom's image! As from your graves rise up, and walk like sprites, To countenance this horror! JONATHON: I see. Well, also here is Mr Lennox, another nobleman of Scotland. LENNOX: Aghast I stood as I surveyed the scene Of the horror of this day. Though the murderer is not found, Mayhaps he is closer than we think. JONATHON: And finally, Mr Macbeth. Any comment to make? MACBETH: Yes Jonathon. Although it does look at first glance that the king has been brutally murdered, I have inspected the situation, and it looks very much to me as if the rats got him. JONATHON: Rats? MACBETH: Yes Jonathon, rats. After all, we must remember that this is the middle ages, and that beubonic plague is commonplace. JONATHON: Yes, well, on that note, back to the studio. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NOT COMING SOON: ATTILA THE BAR-STOOL PROBABLY COMING SOON: MARK ANTHONY THRILLS THE CROWDS WITH HIS HIGHLY ORIGINAL SOUND _______________________________________________________________________________ RIP Good Taste. FRIENDS, ROMANS, COUNTRYMEN. LEND ME YOUR EARS. Yes, I see. And this loan is to be secured by the deposit of thirty percent of your net tangible assets for the loan period is it? ******************************************** * Toxic Custard Workshop Files * * Number 22 * * 5th November 1990 * ******************************************** WATCH THIS EPISODE CAREFULLY because somewhere in it there is a concealed political message! S P O R T - R E P O R T - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - You're reading the Toxic Custard Sports Machine! And welcome one and all to the 1990 SUICIDE OLYMPICS. Yesterday provided some great deaths, and unfortunately they were so successful that of the original 50 competitors, there are only two left. Before we see the finalists play it off, here are some of the highlights from yesterday's competition. - Australian Bruce Fosters got completely pissed and climbed into the cab of his semi-trailer to go on to a stunning death on the Pacific Highway in Queensland, unfortunately taking most of a fifteen interstate-coach convoy with him. - US giant athlete Ralph Yankovich had three attempts before his strategy of lunch at a McDonalds restaurant in Florida paid off. On the third attempt, known mad gunman Arnold Psychopath (a member of the Florida Union of Criminal Killers; and a gun-lobby activist) entered and shot him. US team strategists say that if it hadn't happened by Ralph's fifth attempt, the food would have killed him anyway. - Englishman Dave "Killer" Pomson managed to breathe in the smoke from a world-record seventy-five packets of cigarettes yesterday in a university common-room, and doctors pronounced him dead of lung-cancer late last night. At the conclusion of yesterday's competition, the only finalists left alive were *THE LABOR PARTY ARE TWATS, AND THE LIBERAL/NATIONAL COALITION ARE MORONS* two Irishmen, Mickey O'Thickhead and Paddy Cell. Team officials announced this morning the details of today's attempts to kill themselves. - Mickey O'Thickhead will watch sixteen hours of Channel Ten transmissions. Experts don't expect him to last more than five hours at the most. Some have estimated that he will be brain-dead within the first hour. - Paddy Cell will return to his native Belfast, sporting an orange-coloured "I Love Ian Paisley" T-Shirt. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE 1990 SUICIDE OLYMPICS ARE PROUDLY SPONSORED BY /\/\uckDonald's "Good time, great taste All in a CFC lined case" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- TOMORROW'S MELBOURNE CUP CERTAINTY: Salman Rushdie won't be riding the winner. NEXT ISSUE: Mark Anthony & The Credits _______________________________________________________________________________ MONASH UNIVERSITY - NEW EXAMINATION REGULATIONS REF:T23-071190 ----------------------------------------------------- All students should take note of the following additional and modified examination regulations. 1. Candidates must not attempt revision earlier than thirty (30) minutes before the scheduled start of an examination. 2. Candidates must miss their trains on the way to examinations or not be able to find a parking space if they are driving. 3. Room allocation for candidates will be posted up precisely five (5) minutes after the examination has begun. 4. Examination supervisors must be a minimum of sixty-five (65) years of age, completely deaf, totally ignorant of the subject being examined, and unable to spot a raised hand at a distance of more than two (2) metres. 5. No matter how hard they try to find a decent table, all candidates will end up sitting at one with a minimum of one leg a different length to the others. Candidates are advised to seek the attention of an examination supervisor by dancing on the table, until a supervisor comes and attempts unsuccessfully to alleviate the situation with piles and piles of folded-up bits of paper. 6. Strictly no talking is permitted in the examination room. Well, all right, you can talk until the old geezer says "Start reading". But not after that. From that point onwards, a variety of hand-signals and facial expressions may be employed. 7. Dropped pens must roll a minimum of three (3) metres, generally under someone else's desk. No spare pens will be available. 8. During Reading Time, no writing whatsoever is permitted. However, for multiple-choice questions, a calculator in hexidecimal mode may be employed, for later transcription of answers into the answer booklet. An alternative is a nice sharp fingernail. 9. Lecturers for examined subjects will be almost impossible to get hold of, and when the candidate does get to speak to them, they won't know what the candidate is talking about. 10. The typographical error quota this semester is three (3) per page. OHNOIT'SREALLYTOXICCUSTARDWORKSHOPFILESNUMBERTWENTYTHREEWHAT'SHAPPENEDTOTHE SPACEKEYOHNO,IT'SBROKENHOLDONI'LLTRYTHETABKEYINSTEAD AH THAT'S A BIT BETTER NEVER MIND, ON WITH THE FILE OH GOD NOT MORE SHAKESPEARE ANTONY: Friends, Romans, countrymens lend me your ears; I come to praise Caesar, not to bury him; The lives that men do evil after them, The bones is oft good with their interred, So noble it be with Brutus.... the let Caesar Ambitious told you hath wash Caesar If it were so, hic was a grevious fault, And anshered greviously Caesared hath it.... Here hear, under Brutush of leave and rest the (For Brutush he's an honouraball man Sho are they all; all all all all all very honourable men indeed yes) Comes I to shpeak in Caeshar's funeral He wash my fiend, faithful and just to me, oh yes he was... always But Brutus saids he was amb... amb... ambithouse? And Brutus is an honourable man... I've said that, haven't I But God I loves Caesar; 'cos he was my mate... PLEBEIAN 1: Methinks there is much reason in his sayings. PLEBEIAN 2: You reckon? I'd say he's shit-faced. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - SHORT JOKES DEPT ---------------- New toxic, ozone-depleting, environment un-friendly **FLAVOURED AIR** Now available from Nippon-Murdoch Pty Ltd GARDENING TIP Install a bird feeding post. This will- - support the local bird population - get rid of those pesky slugs naturally, but most of all - save on cat food MEET GOD IN PERSON! This Thursday from 12-2pm, God will be signing copies of his new single, "I Don't Like Fridays" in the record department at Myer Southland. _______________________________________________________________________________ Toxic's back.. and it's not funny. +----+----+ +--------+ + + +---------+ +----+ + + | | | | | | | | | | | + | +------+ +----+ +----+ | | | | | | | | + +--------+ +----+----+ + +----+ + T O X I C C U S T A R D W O R K S H O P F I L E S 2 6 N O V 'ere, what the INGREDIENTS: 'ell is a Nov? Benzidrine, flouro-wancezine-mega-carbonate, hyper-concentrate-thingy, a joke, some stuff, chemical additive U.G.H. (Under-Graduate Humour), and Mango Milkshake. Laugh compatible. Do not over-quote or paraphrase. Do not expose to delete command. THE METROPOLITAN TRANSIT AUTHORITY is pleased to announce the new transport zoning system for the Melbourne metropolitan area, which we have been working on ever since the last zoning system came into effect. The new system will consist of not three, but forty-seven zones. To work out which zone you are in, take the page number of the Melways street-directory you are in and call it 'x'. Your zone = int ((x * tan (x) ^ 2 ) mod 47) + 1 The zones are not actually numbered, but are named after colours. Whereas in the old system the zones were 1, 2 and 3 (or yellow, blue and red), the new system consists of zones named blue, navy blue, light blue, electric blue, royal blue, red, bright red, pink, burgundy and so on. The bus and tram numbering system has also been changed. These will now be known by the names of animals. So, to go from Carnegie to the city, you now need to catch the giraffe tram. If you wish to go by bus, you could get the grasshopper and change to an ostrich at Hotham Street, blue zone. Your ticket will need to be valid in zones blue, bright red, pink, mauve, gold, bottle green and paisley. AND NOW A REPORT ON THE SNAIL TOLL The snail toll this year has risen to 382,272; more than 20,000 higher than this time last year. Experts from the RSPCA accident research unit and "Gardening Australia" say that if little more rain is present for the rest of the year, the year's toll may be no higher than last year's total. Joe Wheelbarrow, RSPCA spokesman said "It's a matter of public education. These snails must be taught not to go out onto the paths of this city straight after rain, only to be squashed flat by a drunk in charge of a shoe." COMING UP NEXT WEEK... THE NEWT TOLL "THE FINAL SOLUTION" by Prof Yoshe Cohen A new and dynamic look at calculus HOW MUCH OF A COMPUTER DAG ARE YOU? How many people that you see regularly do you talk to more often electronically than face-to-face? THE BEST SOFTWARE FOR THE LUNATIC COMPUTER USER... "StuffED" Text Editor - special features: - Language bias module: Won't edit COBOL source-code - AutoCorrupt (tm) - Count bugs in editor - Multi-user/one file "Edit Wars" And remember; eat all your ^s (c) 1990 Daniel Bowen. But who'd wanna copy this crap anyway? (Except for Henry Cate.) _______________________________________________________________________________ Mundane Issue. Mundane Productions Present A Boring Feature Live, from Melbourne, Australia (Boring capital of the world) (Well, okay then, it's Nova Scotia really) __ __|__ __ |__ Silver episode#25. In other words, | OXIC | USTARD | |ORKSHOP | ILES whilst reading this, paint yourself | |__ |_|_| 3/12/90 | with silver. (Is that right?) By Raymond Luxury-Yacht (tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu) A NEW SUGGESTION FOR COMBATTING THE POPULATION EXPLOSION - Compulsory execution of little sisters THE ECONOMY The trade figures for the month of October 1990 were released recently, and it has been revealed that the Trade Deficit for 43 South Street has increased for the third month in a row. This means that the Taylor family are now officially in a recession. Mr John Taylor commented that the recent capital requisition programme (a lawn-mower) was a factor in the latest figures, but blamed the onset of the recession on the Prime Minister's eyebrows. "He should cut back, like the rest of us. In these days of hard economic times, it is wrong to have eyebrows that big. He should be providing all of us with a good example that we can follow. And the opposition aren't any better, Mr Stockdale in particular." THIS JOKE HAS BEEN CANCELLED DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST. Is it a bird? Is it a plane?/\ No, it's / \ --------------------- - Leaps tall terminals in a single bound! S U P E R U S E R - Wipes out users at the press of a button! --------------------- - Closes down the computer at a moment's notice! \ / - Sacrifices spare time to keep the system going \/ for all of us. Isn't he a nice guy? Don't we all love our system managers? Meanwhile, on the planet Plagiar, the most powerful evil and ruthless being in the universe, the monster Subschema, was plotting to take over the universe with his trusty sidekick, Sponge. "We'll start with the strategic placement of forty-thousand space-cadets at Mrs Rubberneck's at number 28." "Yes lord", replied Sponge. Suddenly, a conveniently weakened door burst in, and Subschema was confronted by his sworn enemy - Captain Fringe. "Haha - caught you Subschema; trying to take over the universe again! You're under arrest under Intergalactic Law. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to legal representation. You have the right to normal life-support for your species. You are warned that you may be extradited to your planet of origin or imprisoned on a suitable planet with livable atmosphere. Oh shit, where's my gun got to?" As Subschema began to move towards him, Fringe backed away. "Not so fast Subschema - I have with me the most feared species in the Galaxy. Worse than the Gonzaloids, the Wimpians and Jason Donovan combined. They'd make Daleks quiver in their casings; they'd make Cybermen want to take the day off." "You don't mean..." said Subschema. "Yes!" said Fringe triumphantly, as clicked his fingers and the shadow of something came down the corridor. The something came in, mumbling in a monotone (Steve Kilbey style) as it came. *** C h o o s e y o u r o w n p u n c h l i n e ! ! *** YOU decide how this bit ends.... who comes down the corridor? / \ If you think it should be a computer If you think it should be a hard-core technology lecturer, read this side. "Doctor Who" fan, read this side. ------------------------------------- ------------------------------------- "So, we can see that records may be "... but Silver Nemesis wasn't nearly accessed several ways would you be as good as Earthshock, I reckon quiet up the back please I hope you because I got Earthshock last week are listening to this, because it third generation and the picture will be on the exam and besides you isn't too bad although the episode can't do programming all your lives breaks are missing but did you hear you will have to get onto DB design about that episode of Invasion they sooner or later because programming recovered in an attic the same bloke may be stimulating initially but you found it that got hold of that Ice can't keep it up forever no matter Warriors footage and I'm getting a what language you use... language... copy next Wednesday if I'm lucky sounds a bit like sandwich... anyway along with some of The Daemons in sets are implemented as pointer colour although the start of episode chains and an entity can point back one's missing and it's good to see to its owner... take me to your owner them making some good episodes now it'll say..." that JN-T's finally going... " \ / Surrender was a certainty. AUTHOR'S PROMISE: I will never, ever do that again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TCWF is published in weekly parts every Monday for you to read and delete. And with the first issue you don't get a complementary straight-jacket. For back issues, just mail vac122g@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au But do not send money now. Or ever. Unless you really want to. Actually, on second thoughts, send me all your money. That address again, vac122g@vx24.cc.monash.edu.au ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ NEXT WEEK we'll be looking at how to get into the lunatic asylum of your choice. And we'll be visiting the John Major School of Really Interesting People, and the Henry Cate School of Joke Copying. THIS EPISODE HAS BEEN CANCELLED DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST. _______________________________________________________________________________ To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu -- Copyright (c) 1991 Daniel Bowen May be copied or reproduced without permission provided this notice remains intact. -- Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling ----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over... tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | [Toxic Custard Workshop]