**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 231 TO 235*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please always use tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for enquiries*** "A Toxic '94" Toxic ########## ###### ###### Custard #### #### ##### #### #### Workshop #### #### #### Files #### #### #### #### #### #### 31st December 1994 #### #### #### #### #### #### #### Farewell to '94 ############### ####### ######## Salutations, people with warped minds (and others). Well, welcome to the last day of 1994. I personally find it rather worrying that we're going into the second half of this decade already... I mean, where the hell did it vanish to? Oh well... Not to worry. Plenty has happened over the last year. Keeping in the tradition of world history, most of it has been *bad* news, with a bit of *good* news thrown in just to give us a bit of hope and spirit for living. * Russia and Chechnya have a little tiff, because... umm.. well, actually it's because a Chechnyan contractor did a really bad pebble-dash job on Boris Yeltsin's driveway. * Yugoslavia continues fighting amongst itself... themselves... itselves... Anyway, they continue to fight, because... umm... they don't like each other. And someone said something very nasty about Slobodan Malosovic's haircut. * The IRA and British Government finally work out that bombing the crap out of Northern Ireland and each other probably isn't going to get anyone anywhere, except closer to the next life. So they decide to call it a day and be friends at last. Well, perhaps not quite friends, but you know what I mean... * The Pope (you know, that sad lonely guy in white who drives around in a really tall car, and knows too much about aircraft safety for his own good, hence his kissing the ground whenever he lands) publishes "Crossing The Threshold of Hope", a romantic 400 page adventure novel. Sadly, it fails to make it into the Top Ten, causing disappointment amongst readers who were expecting it to be a realistic moral guide to living in the 1990s, rather than an idealistic work of fantasy. * Rwanda draws the short straw, and has this year's African famine. And everyone who gives money to help feels really good about themselves, and swears they didn't do it just to claim a tax deduction. And everyone who doesn't give feels very guilty every time an ad comes on the telly about it. * North Korean leader Kim Il Sung dies after being very Il * United Nations Population Conference concludes in Cairo with all countries agreeing that they were resolute in not getting around to mutually agreeing to actually do anything * Telecom hits an Australian record corporate profit of A$1.7 billion. Of course, the cynic in me says no way will they reach that next year, now that I don't work for them anymore... * Up and coming airline pilot Frank Corder fails his navigation test, when he flies his light plane into the White House. Oops! * The Order Of The Solar Temple, certified YABORLs (Yet Another Bunch Of Religious Lunatics) all decide to commit suicide to achieve spiritual well-being. They'd obviously failed to realise that physical very-deep-shit-being would also result. * What begins as a practical joke of gluing down the accelerator and locking the steering wheel ends in anger, as Ayrton Senna hits the wall. * Another Asian Pacific Economic Committee (or whatever the hell APEC stands for) meeting takes place in Indonesia. World leaders from the Pacific Rim arrive to see how bad the painted pictures of them placed on public buildings by their Indonesian hosts are. * The Achille Lauro sinks after catching fire off Somalia. That's one ship that's probably better off sunk. Let's face it, the damned thing was doomed. It sounds like one of those Swamp Castles in Monty Python And The Holy Grail... "was hijacked, burned down, rolled over, and *then* sank into the swamp"... * South Africans finally catch up with the basic concepts of democracy. Which is that everyone gets to play. * Kurt Cobain finds a novel way of hiding the oil on the garage floor when he blows his head off. Actually, let me share with you the best Cobain quote I've heard so far: "I think it was Kurt... in the garage... with the shotgun." - Cam Winstanley, Amiga Power magazine And I'll leave you with this little thing 'ere, created by me and Brian Smith, which I never got around to finishing off completely. And I have a nasty feeling that someone else came up with the same thing... but oh well, here you go: He's got shredded jeans Don't know what it means Cobain Said he don't have a gun But he must have got one Cobain Was it somethin' we said Now he's blown off his head Cobain He's in bits He's in bits He's in bits Cobain ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The remainder of Toxic Custard's holiday timetable is roughly estimated to be as follows-: TCWF 231 - 31/12/94 - A farewell to '94 TCWF 231a - 9/1/95 - The best Of Part 2 TCWF 232 - 16/1/95 - (back to "normal") In the meantime, you can catch up with all the Toxic Custard back-issues on ftp or on World Wide Web. Email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1994 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen - - - - - - -| Grandma got run over by a Volvo Melbourne, Australia - - -| Going home from our place New Years' Eve dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu - -| You might think Volvos have good drivers TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu | But proving not is Gran's internal bleed ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ TCWF 231a, "Toxic Custard Reheat #2", was sent on 9/1/95 to subscribers only, and included Ingredients (24), Macbeth (21), StuffED (24), WrongTimePhone (27), Video Guide (41), Police & Fire Games (41), Golf Report (45) and Custard (38). ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Toxic Airlines Flight 232 to nowhere..." ----. ----. ----. TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES .---' ---< .---' Number 232 - 16th January 1995 |____ ____| |____ Still written by Daniel Bowen... Nope, haven't managed to ditch the old TCWF yet... it's still grabbing me by the arm and dragging me in front of the keyboard every week. And to start off the year, I'd like to introduce you to the power of thought. The power of thought is a wonderful thing. It enables us to imagine things beyond what actually exists. It makes it possible for us to consider philosophical and theological questions far beyond the realms of common sense. For instance, imagine if you were two- dimensional... if you walked at exactly the right angle in the rain, you wouldn't get wet. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - If God hadn't wanted us to fly, he wouldn't have given us Frequent Flyer points. And so we all climb into gigantic metal birds that buzz around the skies. Am I the only one who thinks something that big shouldn't be able to move, let alone fly? Oh yeah, for sure, it all seems to work, but surely according to basic physics, it shouldn't. (I think the rule I'm thinking of is the one where something bloody heavy will invariably fall into the ground and crash in a screaming heap.) So, I've been investigating it all, and finally discovered how aeroplanes fly. The whole aircraft is subject to a LGDF - a Local Gravity Denial Field. During flight, everyone in the plane suspends their belief in gravity. There's something alarming about flying. Especially if you don't trust the LGDF principle (and let's face it, who the hell would?). In one incident last year, an Singapore-bound jet had to return to Sydney after more than 10% of the passengers on board decided that gravity did exist after all. But if all is well, you'll get to your destination in one piece. And so will the plane. (Whether or not your luggage will is the subject of much debate.) It begins quite calmly enough, taxiing around the airport, watching the air stewards miming out where the emergency exits are. Suddenly, the engines thrust, and you're pushed back in your seat, and before you can say you think you saw the wings wobble, you're off the ground, which is moving away from the plane at a very alarming angle. And as the plane banks, you again get the impression that the ground is falling towards you. Or perhaps vice versa. From then on it's pretty dull, until you near your destination, when once again the ground comes towards you... there's a bit of a thump, and all those fancy reverse thrusters and brakes and stuff slow you down and you eventually end up taxiing around again, to the terminal. Easy. That's the theory. Some of you may have read in the Australian press on the weekend about a bunch of Heroin smugglers being caught. The relevance to this topic will come apparent in a moment. Look for the asterisk. I took a company-paid trip to Sydney on Friday. We missed our flight back, and had to rebook for a 1945 flight. (Obviously I mean 7:45pm, not the-same-year-the-second-world-war-ended. Well, no, not obviously, or I wouldn't have had to clarify it, would I.) Anyway, the amended itinerary went something like this. 1820 Arrive Sydney airport. 1825 Check-in. 1830 Bluff our way into the Golden Whinge Club. 1945 Hear boarding call. Head for the terminal. 1955 Board plane. Grab headphones for Elvis medley miming session during trip. 2000 Pilot says hello, and that he'll be taking off shortly, and flying the plane very fast. (Really! I think I like this guy! Normally I'd think "get the hell off the microphone and do some more safety checks or something". But this guy was good.) 2010 Pilot says he's very embarrassed, but the little truck thing that's meant to push us out onto the runway has run out of fuel. 2025* Two more people come down the aisle, have a few words with two people, one of whom is in the row behind us. The former two arrest the latter two, before taking them off the plane! Shit?! Yep, two heroin smugglers, who (according to the newspaper) had white powder in their luggage... hmmmm 2030 Pilot owns up to lying through his teeth, and prepares for take-off. Let the Elvis medley miming session begin! Cool huh? Well worth the delay. Hmm... I wonder if their tickets are refunded? (Probably the least of their worries...) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 28 of Heaps 1378 AD Rival Popes elected in Rome and Avignon. In the end, they meet in the ring to fight 15 rounds for the Papacy. 1381 Heavily taxed, tied to the land as serfs (how very awkward... I wonder what kind of rope they used?), the peasants revolt under Twat Tyler. Oops, sorry, WAT Tyler. Tyler is murdered and the rising crushed, but from this time serfdom gradually declines until the 1950-60s, when it is revived, and serf culture spreads widely, particularly on the American west coast. 1384 Death of John Wycliffe, who has attacked abuses in the Church of Rome, and ordered a translation of the Bible into English. Oh... my... God! The nerve of the man! Wanting people to know what they're praying about! Wycliffe particularly opposed the priests who abused the Latin sermons, and included sections that requested that they receive copious amounts of gold, silver, jewels, and oral sex. 1385, 88 Scots invade England; Richard II takes Edinburgh. Ever noticed how much bloody British history there is in this thing? It's because I'm copying ummm, err, I mean *adapting* from an English history. All the same, I might chop it down a little. Anyway, the Scots are victorious at Otterburn. Okay, who the hell named this town Otterburn? That's really not very nice. They couldn't name it after the rolling hills, or the deep forest. Oh no, that had to name it after cute aquatic fish-eating carnivores on fire. Yuck. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *Yawn*, that's another Toxic Custard over and done with. If you'd like to catch up on back-issues, they're available by FTP or WWW. Enquire at tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- _______ Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia-| //\\==//\ A Computer Power Education, ITS R&D--| //||==/\\/\ D a n i e l ' s Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu--------|''''`` B r a i n TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu----------| P r o d u c t i o n * *Does this look even remotely like a brain?+ +No.# #Oh well. PS. The Pope arrives in Australia this Wednesday. Same day as Bill Gates. This may provide the opportunity to determine whether or not they are one and the same person. Think about it! You never see Bill and John Paul together at the same time, do you? For all we know, Bill walks out of his Redmond HQ, gets into a phone box and comes out wearing white robes... "Bringing affordable software to the mass home computer market and making a packet of money in the process? This sounds like a job for... SuperPope!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Almost dead Toxic Custard" tcwft###t###t#w#t#w###wftcwf t o x i c c u s t a r d tcwftc#ft#wft#w#t#w###wftcwf w o r k s h o p f i l e s tcwftc#ft###t#####w#tcwftcwf # 2 3 3 , 2 2 n d J a n According to the papers, Chinese leader Deng Xiaoping has slipped into a coma, and is not expected to live much longer. At least, that's what his daughter says. The Chinese Government, well known for always telling the truth, claims he's in very good health... "for someone of his age" (90). It sounds like Russia was ten years ago. What is it about Communist countries that makes them lie about the health of their aging leaders? Are they paranoid that the rest of the world will think their Meals On Wheels is no good? So much so that they have to keep claiming that their glorious leader is up and about and playing squash regularly, when in fact he's been dead for two months? It seems to me that they need to change the way they choose their leaders. They should revise the application form. And ensure that the person applying fills it in themselves, so they don't get any more embarrassing incidents of putting in dead people as leaders, who have to be propped up against a wall on the Presidential Balcony during parades. The application form should start off something like this: APPLICATION TO HEAD A COMMUNIST DICTATORSHIP/PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC 1. Are you in good health? (That is, do you fully expect to see out the decade without the aid of a life-support machine, or should we stop asking you silly questions and call the undertaker right now?) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It's such a bummer that I've grown. It's not nearly so easy to enjoy the park playground equipment anymore. Sure, the roundabout thing is cool (and one of the best ways to induce vomiting without resorting to alcohol or banned substances). But most of the rest are far too small. It's a squeeze getting onto the swings. Ditto the slides. And the monkeybars lack real challenge, because my feet reach the ground. Crawling through the mud in those little concrete tunnel things seems to have lost some of the appeal it used to have. And remember those round things you got inside and turned the wheel in the middle and it went round and round? The other thing I can't do anymore is run around like a maniac without being stared at. Heck, even trying to balance walking along a wall doesn't avoid the attention of passers-by. Doesn't mean it's not fun though. Of course, it has its benefits. Once upon a time, when in the toy shop, I'd have to badger my parents for a toy. Now I can just buy it. Ahhh... the joys of having a disposable income. And since I'm about to be a father, I'll have a perfect cover for buying toys. Brilliant. Maybe I can even rebuild my (once not insubstantial) Lego collection. Sadly, I sold it off during my teenage Recreation Infrastructure Rationalisation years. Though it surprises me a great deal that not even one Lego block has managed to follow me into adult life. Christ knows, back then, they used to get *everywhere*. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Part 29 of Far Too Many 1399 AD English Parliament deposes Richard II, and accepts the Duke of Bereford as King Henry IV. Oh wow guys, like People's Revolt, you know. Down with the king! Yeah! Power to the common man! Yeah! Let's throw out the bloodsucker, and put someone else in charge! A real person! Someone who understands the plight of us working people! A commoner! A starving, poor bastard trying to make a living from the soil! Yeah! Ummm... how about... umm... the Duke of Bereford? 1415-22 Henry V (the next Henry, the one after the previous one) is bored one Saturday afternoon, and decides to renew the war against France. He gets as far as Harfleur and Agincourt before telling everyone it was only a joke. Nobody believes him by this point, and by 1420 the French recognise him as the next king, and give him a spare princess to stop him getting bored on future Saturday afternoons. He dies in 1422, and the war continues. 1429-31 The English overcome all French resistance except in Orleans. That'll be Old Orleans, as opposed to New Orleans. There they are driven off by Joan of Arc, and a few friends. They capture her later and burn a steak for her. Oh, sorry, burn her *at* the stake. 1445 Johann Gutenberg perfects a device that will be used in future centuries to bring people all the latest racing results and bingo competitions: the printing press. He sets up his printing business in Mainz. The United Scribe And Hieroglyphists Union set up a picket outside, but to no avail. 1453 The Eastern empire ends, as Constantinople falls to the Ottoman Turks, who sweep into Greece and across to the Danube, bringing their blue toilet ducks with them. (Da da da da... da... dum dum, dum dum...) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hello. In our sealed section (available only by request), we reveal the full torrid details of how to get back-issues of Toxic Custard, by FTP and WWW! Send your perverted, depraved request in a plain brown wrapper to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- \ / Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia|TCWF is . . . . A\-------/ Computer Power Education, ITS R&D-| D|a\n i/e|l ' s Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu-------| B|r a.i n| TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| P|r/o d\u|c t i o n /-------\ Graphic artist's rendition / \ of my brain exploding---> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "I hate Toxic Custard" == =.. .@ @@@ @/ // Toxic Custard Workshop Files ==== ===. ....@ @@@ @/ ///// Number 234, 29th January 1995 ==== ===. ....@ @ @ @/ /// written by Daniel Bowen ==== ===.. .@@ @ @@/ ///// THINGS I HATE #1 When I'm about to get on the train... I hear a click, which sounds like the doors being released. So I start to open the door, and it won't budge. I continue to tug, while the people behind me wait patiently. After a few seconds trying, I say "I don't think it's working", and move towards the next door along. The guard, obviously waiting for precisely this moment, releases the door, and the person who was behind me opens it with no effort whatsoever. (What do I do then? I keep walking, get on board, and bury my head in a book, what do you think?!) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - There is a saying about postal deliveries, which goes something like this. "When the postie comes to deliver a parcel, you will either not be home (in which case you'll have to collect it from the post office later), or you'll be totally unprepared for anyone to knock on the door at that particular moment". Well, it goes something like that, anyway. I took a day off last Friday, and so quite naturally was still in my pyjamas, pottering around the house by the time 10am came around, along with the postie. And I answered, in my PJ'S, rather than have to traipse to the post office later. Embarrassment forced me to try and explain to him that no, I'm not a dole bludger lazing around all day and scrounging off the system. Honest. I pleaded with him that I was a well-paid computer person who just happened to be having a day off, lazing around playing video games. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THINGS I HATE #2 When I'm munching on an apple. And as I chew a mouthful, I notice the grower's label, and decide "I'll peel it off in just a moment". And I take another few bites. And I chew another mouthful, take another look at the apple... and the label has gone. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Holy shit, Part 30 already?! 1455 AD A late end to the Hundred Years' War (which started in 1337), which is disastrous for England, who are charged 18 years overdue fines on all the weapons and armour they borrowed. Just when they thought there'd be an outbreak of peace, the Duke Of York and Henry VI get into an argument at the Chelsea Flower Show, and so begins the Wars Of The Roses. 1476 Caxton buys the first printing franchise off Gutenburg, and sets up his own printing business in England. He advertises heavily that he's the "only printer in the country. Caxton, for all your printing needs." Unfortunately, few of the population can read, let alone want business cards printed. 1478 Inquisition begins in Spain. No. Not a word. *No*. No mention will be made of whether it was expected or not. Can we move on to the next item please? 1483-85 Major arguments, many of them involving proclamations, huge feasts, murdering people in towers, etc, between Edward IV, Edward V (and sibling), Richard III, Henry Tudor, etc, etc. Why can't these people all just get along in peace and harmony? 1487-88 Bartholomew Diaz, Portugal, rounds the Cape of Good Hope, which was originally called the Cape of Oh Shit Look At The Size Of Those Waves Man The Lifeboats Dear God You Know I've Always Looked Up To You Hey Where Did We Put The Bailing Buckets. 1492 Ferdinand of Aragon and Isabella of Castile, whose marriage unites Spain, finally free the country from the Moors by capturing Granada. Unfortunately, tragedy strikes them 503 years later when I am unable to think of anything funny to say about them. 1492-96 Christopher Columbus, an Italian in Spanish service, is busy in central America, discovering places. He also discovers he should have taken more than five changes of underwear, because it's a long way between laundromats. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THINGS I HATE #3 CDs that have lots of songs, but don't show the track numbers against the songs on the listing, so you have to use a combination of trial, error and basic mathematics to find the one you want. This can be particularly deadly when listening to compilations featuring artists who, not to put too fine a point on it, make you violently throw up. One slip-up counting what track number you want, and you might find yourself having to use a CD player covered in vomit. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Okay, okay, I admit it. The rumours are true. Toxic Custard back-issues are available by ftp and WWW. Email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. Don't say I didn't warn you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia| All opinions related above Computer Power Education, ITS R&D-| are my own, naturally. You Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu-------| couldn't possibly think TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu---------| otherwise, could you? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Genuine replica Toxic Custard" ToxicCustardWorkshopFiles235WrittenByDanielBowen6/2/95 ====================================================== SPECIAL OFFER! Collect 50 wrappers from Toxic Custard, attach $50,000,000 for postage and packing(*), and we'll send you a free miniature Toxic Custard delivery truck. These model T Ford trucks date back to the 1920s, when Toxic Custard was hand-delivered to households, fresh every morning. Back then of course, Toxic Custard was not the complex set of spoofs it is today. Although delivered daily, it was always the same joke. The editor back then, Jeremiah Bowen, began the family business in early 1905, anticipating the humour boom of the 1900s. Toxic Custard therefore actually predates the now hugely popular rec.humor.funny, Whiteboard News and UGA Humor lists, which were established several months later. Nevertheless, Toxic Custard was successful even through the depression, when its "Penny Per Punchline" price was considered a bargain. Toxic Custard was sent to Australian troops fighting in World War 2. Inspired by the Cold War, "The Adventures Of Senor Popsicle" began in 1953. The "Toxic History Of The World" began in 1961, and the "Toxic Custarpedia" ran from 1971 to 1974. Current editor Daniel Bowen took over from the ailing Jeremiah in 1982. And Toxic Custard continues from strength to strength. (*) Fairly elaborate postage and packing, obviously. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - In this day and age, with the fear of AIDS, and rampant homophobia, is it really necessary to blame yet another thing on homosexuals? Holland seem to be blaming this whole flooding thing on their weak dykes. Dykes are people too, you know. Why should they always be the ones to stand up to the flooding? I say we all get our support behind our Lesbian sisters. (Actually, I don't think my sister *is* lesbian, but you know what I mean). - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - In our last exciting History instalment, Christopher Columbus discovered Central America, the Spanish Inquisition got underway, and the Wars Of The Roses got off to a flying start. What wacky events will happen this week? Who will discover whom? Who will declare war on whom? Set against the background of a world half undiscovered by the other half, who are far too busy being irritable and burning each other at the stake to discover anything, we present: TOXIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD Blimey, Part 31, will it ever end? 1497-1503 AD Amerigo Vespucci explores Mexico, part of the East coast of America, and the South American coast, making a note of all the really good coffee shops. At one stage Amerigo and two crew mates put on big hats and ride around calling themselves "The Three Amerigos", but it's only a passing phase. 1498 Vasco de Gama discovers a sea-route from Europe to India. During voyages below deck, he also discovers what are later mispelt as Gamma Rays. Unfortunately, he has no idea what they do, what they look like or what they are, so the discovery remains untold. 1498 Columbus lands on the mainland of South America. He immediately finds a native village and demands to be taken to a dry-cleaner, having not changed his underwear for six years. 1502-4 Columbus discovers Trinidad, but manages to overlook Tobago. Christ knows how he missed it, for heaven's sake, it's right next door! 1509 Sebastian Cabot explores the American coast as far as Florida, but is unfortunately shot in the first of the now infamous Floridan tourist murders. 1513 James IV of Scotland invades England, but has his arse whipped at Flodden. Now James, that really wasn't very clever, was it? No. Now, you go over into the corner and be quiet. No dessert for you tonight young man. 1517 Martin Luther, founder of Protestantism, nails to the church door at Wittenburg his condemnation of many practices of the Church of Rome. Amongst these are: - leaving jam on the butter knife - placing the boiled eggs in the egg cup pointy-end down - leaving the toilet seat up and - using the remote control to change channels without asking anybody if they were watching 1519 Cortes conquers Mexico. That's all. With three little words, a nation crumbles under invasion. "Cortes conquers Mexico". Shit, until I just looked it up in another book, I didn't know that Cortes was a Spanish conquistador. Apparently he decided to crush the whole of Mexico after the Aztec king, Montezuma, told the nation that Cortes had a very small penis. 1519-22 Ferdinand Magellan sails around the world for the first time. With the proviso that he himself only makes it as far as the Philippines. Oh well. But he does manage to name the Pacific Ocean. Not a bad feat. And he writes a book later adapted for modern times by Jules Verne, entitled "Around The World In 3 Years And 27 Days". 1520 Martin Luther publicly burns the Papal Bull excommunicating him, proclaiming it to be Papal Bullshit. Protestantism spreads easier than soft-spread butter through Europe. In Switzerland it is established by Calvin, whose followers in France, the Huguenots (pronounced "Hugenose"), get really pissed-off with the Catholics, who have quite small noses. In Scotland the Reformation, as this great movement is called, triumphs by 1560, largely owing to the teaching of Calvin's disciple, imaginary tiger Hobbes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You probably don't really want to know that Toxic Custard back-issues are available by ftp and WWW. Email tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for details. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided no modifications are made. -- Daniel Bowen, in sometimes sunny, sometimes not, Melbourne, Australia------ Work: bowed@cpgen.cpsg.com.au (Computer Power Education, ITS R&D Project) Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu-----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu------------------ All opinions are naturally my own. Who else would want them?--------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia Copyright (c) 1994, 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed without profit provided this notice remains intact. For subscription and back-issue information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu