**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 276 TO 280*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please always use tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for enquiries*** "Virtual Toxic Custard" \___/ /\__ / \ \___ Toxic Custard Workshop Files | | \ / | Number 276 - 19th November 1995 | | __ \ /\ / |__/ Written by Daniel Bowen | \/ \/ \/ | "obscurum per obscurius" Let's hope that time travel is impossible. If they ever invent it, it could be VERY embarrassing. Can you imagine going back forty years and explaining to someone what life was like in the 1990s? So, in the 1990s do you all fly around in helicopters? Uh no, no we don't. We walk, drive cars, catch trains and... What, just like in the 1940s? Yep. So what's different? We have more cars. So we build lots more roads. Ah, I see, to make sure all the cars flow smoothly. And do they? No. So we knock down lots of houses and trees and build really big roads, called freeways. And do they make all the cars flow smoothly? Umm, not really, look, I'll get back to you on this. Okay, what technological breakthroughs have you made? We've perfected technology such as lasers, magnetic media, infra-red... And what are they used for? Healing the sick? Feeding the hungry? Stopping pollution? Ummm.. they're respectively used for playing hiss-free music, making sure you don't miss a movie when you're out, saving having to get up and walk over to the TV to change the channel... Haven't you done anything useful? Oh, we have got a new thing, called the Internet. It's a global network of computers. It can transmit information to anywhere in the world in seconds. That sounds good. What's that used for? Lightbulb jokes, mostly. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This week's MORON OF THE WEEK is a busy man. A man in a hurry. There's not many people rushing around on a Saturday afternoon, but the driver of silver Mitsubishi DQS970 certainly was. I don't know why he was so busy - maybe he was watching the soccer on Galaxy Sports with the Pope and ran out of canapes and had to dash to Safeway before they closed. Who knows. What we do know is that DQS970 had apparently temporarily forgotten about the rule of giving way to pedestrians who are crossing the street you are turning into. Or he thought it would delay him by vital seconds to take any notice of it. And we can't keep His Holiness waiting. But hey, look on the bright side. I don't want to be vicious, but this guy looked pretty old. And provided he or someone like him doesn't get to me first, he'll die long before me! Cool! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - In my secondary career as a first class gourmet cook, I've come to a little conclusion about cutting onions. I think onions have a defensive mechanism. Like plants that are poisonous, so nobody eats them. Onions make you feel guilty... poor little onion... wasn't doing any harm... not its fault it's such a good ingredient... I won't hurt you little onion... Boohooohooo... Garlic has a defensive mechanism too. And the human race has now learnt that if you eat too much garlic, people will keep their distance, and the dog might drop dead from the whiff. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD COMPUTER GLOSSARY PART 22 V Initial often used for modem standards, such as V.22, V.23, V.32, and so on. Generally, the higher the number, the less slow the modem is. The only exception to this numbering is the V.FC (Fast Class) standard, which was obviously named by someone who (a) has no foresight and (b) is going to be terribly embarrassed in a couple of years when V.FC seems as horribly slow as V.22 is now. VGA Very Good Acronym. VIRTUAL Originally coined to describe something that you didn't have because you couldn't afford it (eg virtual memory), this word is now used almost exclusively by advertising agencies and the media. Usually found in the same paragraph as "information superhighway" and other such travesties of the English language. VIRUS A computer program designed to generate as much disruption as possible by causing everyone in the office to stand around watching whoever's the poor slob responsible for getting rid of it, all hoping it's not their data that has been zapped. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Virtual Toxic Custard is on the World Cyber Wide Information Virtual Superhighway Web (euch!) at http://www.highway1.com.au/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ And in the Information Alleyway at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard And if you're going past Bill Gates' virtual driveway (The Microsoft Network), Go TCWF ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia->Where water really does go anti-clockwise Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu / DanielBowen@msn.com---TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu It's all a figment of my imagination. Everything here is fictional. Even this ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Toxic Toilet Humour" T O X I C C U S T A R D ====\ ====/ ====/ W O R K S H O P F I L E S Number 277 /===/ / / 27th November 1995 Written by Daniel Bowen ===== / / "credo quia absurdum" PUBLIC TOILET RULES 1. If you see anyone you know, acknowledgment is not necessary. Anything more than a nod, especially during discharge, is discouraged. 2. All conversation must cease immediately if one of the participants uses a cubicle. 3. In a situation where there are three cubicles in a row, the end cubicles are preferred. Regular users will often aim to use a particular cubicle, but if their preferred cubicle is busy, they will not generally wait for it to become available. 4. If you have a coat you wish to hang up while using a cubicle, there will be a spare toilet roll on the coat peg. 5. 93% of cubicle users will use some toilet paper to clean the seat before sitting down, even if it is already clean. 22% will lay toilet paper around the bottom of the bowl to prevent excess plop-splash. 6. Most cubicle doors not only have the huge gap at the bottom, but also have very thin cracks at the edges, which means you can see through if you look at just the right angle and squint. 7. Women in adjacent cubicles will happily share toilet paper by passing it through the gap. Men would rather die with shit all over their pants than say a single word. 8. (M) The man who manages to splosh piss all over the ramp into the urinal is unknown, but hated by everybody. Careless prick. 9. (M) If there's already someone at the urinal, a cubicle may be preferable, even if it is not necessary. This only applies to office-grade toilets or better. Almost no man will use a cubicle outside a familiar environment unless they're just *bursting*. 10. (M) Men using the urinal must look down, or stare at the wall directly ahead, at all times. Any sideways glance is absolutely forbidden. This especially applies when "shaking the tree". 11. In the event of a soap dispenser being empty, it shall be the one adjacent to the wash basin that you have chosen. 12. Given the choice of a paper towel dispenser and an effective hand dryer, 98% of toilet users will use the paper towel, even if it means by the end of the day that the bin has overflowed and spilled paper all over the floor. 13. The only times when there is no paper towel available are when the hand dryer is so piss-weak it wouldn't dry a soggy ant. 14. Due to the laws of probability and the human cluster syndrome, the toilet area will always be in one of three states: (a) Empty, (b) One person using it, or (c) ten people using it (generally during the pre-lunchtime rush in office buildings.) 15. The method used by cleaners to make sure there's not anyone in situ before they go in to clean the toilets of the opposite sex is a closely guarded industry secret. 16. No matter how far technology advances, there is not and will never be a more comfortable toilet seat than the most familiar one of all - at home. Finally, here's my ranking of TOP TEN PUBLIC TOILETS, in order of decreasing scuminess: * Unrefurbished railway station - dark and dank, overtones of Roman sewers * Street toilet - for some reason the toilet seats are missing * Cinema - too many cigarette butts * Refurbished railway station - clean and well lit, but you don't want to miss your train * Small business - kind of dark, but at least it's clean * Restaurant - soap dispenser rarely works, or puts tons of soap in your hand * Shopping centre - floor damp from over-use, but otherwise reasonably clean * University - surprisingly little grafitti * Corporate offices - one cleaning a day isn't *quite* enough somehow * City of Melbourne, Town Hall basement, Collins Street - no really, they're brilliant! Clean, tidy, well lit, plenty of paper - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD COMPUTER GLOSSARY PART 23 WILD CARD Something you can use in most operating systems to put the fear of God into any computer novice looking over your shoulder. WINDOWS Along with MacIntoshs, something that helps the computer veterans bemoan the bringing of computers to the masses. How can you claim to be the most brilliant computer user who ever lived just by knowing all the command line arguments for "grep" when someone who has hardly touched a keyboard can churn out a twenty page immaculately laid out newsletter in scarcely half an hour? WORLD WIDE WEB An excuse for the computer section of the newspaper to print a bunch of URLs and call it journalism. WRITE PROTECT NOTCH That feature of a floppy disk which is generally a big pain in the arse because you think it's off when it's on, and on when it's off. An astonishing 99.997% of people have never saved so much as a single file from being wiped by making use of the write protect notch on a disk. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard's Web site, featuring the complete History Of The World and all the back-issues up to and including TCWF 275, is at: http://www.highway1.com.au/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ The back-issues are available by FTP from: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard And on The Microsoft Network, Go tcwf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia----------> The land beyond the black stump Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu / DanielBowen@msn.com---TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu All of the above is fiction, pure and true.---------------------------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "The Shorter Toxic Custard" ====\\//==== //==== \\ // //==== Toxic Custard || "odi// \\vulgus//et|| Workshop Files || \\profanum\\ /\ // ||=== Number 278, 4/12/95 || \\==== \//\\/ ||arceo" Written by Daniel Bowen Australia's Most Wanted man, Brett Maston, is no longer most wanted - in fact he's now "The Criminal Formerly Known As Most Wanted". They caught him over the weekend in Perth. Lucky the Victorian police didn't get to him first or he'd probably have been shot. But there's something I don't understand. Last week his face was splashed all over the newspaper and television, along with such phrases as "armed and dangerous", "do not approach", and "don't mess with this cat". The entire population was encouraged to etch his face into their minds and upon spotting him, ring the authorities. *This week* they show footage of him cowering under police guard, and someone somewhere has told them to explode his face under one of those mosaic things so we can't see him! Why? You showed us what he looks like last week! I mean, all we have to do is dig out last week's newspaper! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Don't you hate it when it's Sunday night, and you're busy trying to write your weekly comedy column thing, and some guy knocks in that kind of "c'mon, open up in there!" slightly threatening kind of a knock... and you look through the peep hole, which makes him look completely deformed (as it makes all people look), and you carefully open the door and he throws you by being very polite and asking in an accent you can't quite understand for someone (or something) you've never heard of called Aquadi, then asks you if he's got the right place, and quotes your address, and you say yes, this is your address, but you've never heard of ... Ahkadee (or something)... and you say no, doesn't sound familiar, and he says sorry and goes away. Yeah, I hate that. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Imagine how irritating consumer electronics would be if it all made little noises like computers do when you use them. You how some people customise all their sounds into the Marx Brothers or jungle animals... Just imagine making breakfast... Open fridge - Fred Flinstone: "Yabba dabba doo!" Take out bread, close fridge - Lion roars Put bread in toaster - Groucho Marx: "Just a moment, fruitcake" Push bread down into toaster - James Brown: "I feel good!" Open fridge - Fred Flinstone: "Yabba dabba doo!" Take out butter and jam, close fridge - Lion roars Toaster pops bread up - Homer Simpson: "D'oh!" ... it could get very tiring. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I've been having the best fun. Last week I got to write a letter to a phone company. I got to tell them that their threat to cut me off for not paying them a bill doesn't hold much weight because I asked to be disconnected - and that's why they shouldn't be sending me bills any more. Trust me, it's a hell of a lot of fun letting off steam at big corporations. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD COMPUTER GLOSSARY PART 24 X-WINDOWS Another one of the less popularly known computer things that you either (a) love, (b) hate, or (c) have never heard of. X.25 Another one of those computer standards abbreviations that mean almost nothing to almost everybody, except those who either (a) have a professional interest in such things which sees them using such abbreviations regularly or (b) are, not to put too finer point on it, nerds. "Yes well, I re-configured the X.25, but somehow the flangulator's got out of sync with the compression, and I don't think the Smikilkoff devices will re-align with the 10-base-T. Still, you've got to laugh, haven't you!" XCOPY One of those DOS commands which is really powerful, but which you can never remember how to use just when you need it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Despite international objections, Toxic Custard is still on the World-Wide-Web at these URLs: http://www.highway1.com.au/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ And if you prefer the ruggedness of FTP: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard Meanwhile, over on the Microsoft Network, we've got all the best Custard you can eat. Go tcwf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Australia------------Makers of the world's best Australian wine Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu / DanielBowen@msn.com---TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu This is a work of fiction. Nobody is responsible for anything here.---------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Living Toxic Custard" T o x i c C u s t a r d ===\ === /==\ W o r k s h o p F i l e s ----------------------------/==/ / \==/---------------------------- by Daniel Bowen 11/12/95\=== / / "genus irritabile vatum" You haven't lived until you've seen projectile poo fly out of a baby. You haven't lived until you've dashed through the house looking for lino or the nearest open door, holding the cat in front of you because she's in the process of throwing up. You haven't lived until you've successfully got aboard the train just leaving, only to find out it's going in the opposite direction. You haven't lived until you've unintentionally jay-walked right in front of a police car. You haven't lived until you've laughed so hard you couldn't breathe. You haven't lived until you've had the urge throw up your lunch on the train and tried to hold it in until you could get to a bin at the next station, and failed to quite make it to the bin and sent commuters running for cover as the vomit lands all over the platform on Richmond station in the middle of rush hour. You haven't lived until you've formatted your hard drive. You haven't lived until you've falsely accused the convenience store operative of short-changing you $10 and waited for them to count all the money in the till (and discovered that they hold a great deal more than $50 in change) only to be told that you're wrong and have this confirmed later by whoever gave you the money and asked you to go down there in the first place. You haven't lived until you've seen something green come out of your own nose. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - It's hard to say if this week's MORON OF THE WEEK is an actual moron or just a Laser driver with a death wish. Take your pick, place your bets, because it was certainly one of the two. Either way, the driver of white Ford Laser BPZ744 was seen performing what can only be described as a devastatingly suicidal turn across the path of a speeding 220 bus last Friday in Commercial Road. To the driver of the car, I have only this to say: I know we all have to go sometime, but please, next time you try, can you make it something that will be a little less disruptive to those left on this world? Dammit, I was late for an appointment. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "Sunday, Monday, have bidets Tuesday, Wednesday, have bidets Thursday, Friday, have bidets..." --Song from a bathroom supply shop - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Why do some shops show "Now Open" on a permanent sign, or painted in the window - when they aren't always open? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD COMPUTER GLOSSARY PART 25 Y-AXIS The vertical axis of a graph, often used to measure how desperate for terms an author can get writing a Computer Glossary when he gets up to Y. YOURDON A name that seems to get dropped whenever computer people attempt to impress their managers by talking about methodologies, design phases, walkthroughs, and so on. These days, most computer professionals realise that the Yourdon is, in fact, a fictional character, who is referred to most often in the wild fantastic tales told during the first days of a project, when everyone seems carefree and has time for everything, when the resources on the project plan are bountiful, and the bugs are but gleams in the programmers' eyes. But computer people should always be careful when later they tire of endless analysis and pen pushing, because every time someone says "this data flow diagram sucks!" a Yourdon dies. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Okay, you've waited all year for this - here's the Toxic Custard holiday timetable. 18/12/95 - The Best Of TCWF 3 25/12/95 - Special Christmas issue 1/1/96 - Special New Year issue 8/1/96 - The Best Of TCWF 4 15/1/96 - Back to "normal" Oi! Aussies! While you're enjoying the repeats of Phoenix on Channel 2, don't forget to recast your eye over the Official TCWF Parody! Grab the backissues of TCWF 86 onwards... And all the backissues you can handle and more clean, wholesome, dubious holiday reading material is available at the TCWF Web sites: http://www.highway1.com.au/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ Just the backissues are available by FTP at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard On the Microsoft Network, check out the amazingly stupid subscription request E-form and complete downloadable Toxic Custarpedia. Go tcwf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Australia-------------------> Down on the backside of the world Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu / DanielBowen@msn.com---TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Fiction. This is fiction. That's what this is. None of it is true. Honest.--- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ TCWF 279a, "Sigh... another compilation of Toxic Custard" was a compilation sent to subscribers only on 18/12/95. It included "Guide to holidays" (101), "Toxic Music Direct Saver Club" (103), "Psycholympics" (103), Popsicle's parody of "The Bill" (123), "Sod All" (124), and "A word about technology" (126). ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Deck the halls with Toxic Custard" Deck the halls with /\ Number 280 T o x i c C u s t a r d //\\ 25th December 1995 tra la la la la, la la la la ///\\\ Written by Daniel Bowen __________________________________##________________________________ What I want for Christmas... *I got these A vacuum cleaner that doesn't drown out the telly Self-changing nappies that don't end up smelly Price tags that come off without a fight * Neighbours who don't blare loud music at night Disks that don't self destruct with my data To understand what the Tax Office mean by "pro rata" Blinds that don't get stuck halfway down A Fast Eddies burger I can get my teeth round * A good table for eight in the Hard Rock Cafe An easy to open tomato sauce sachet Warning buzzers that sound if my fly is undone Especially if I'm about to walk past a nun Neighbours who don't leave shopping trolleys on the street To walk for miles without killing my feet To not hear dripping taps once I'm in bed People to hear first time what I've said The media to stop all this hyping the Net To get a winning horse from my once a year bet Gas, electric, phone bills in different weeks To understand behind those sci-fi geeks An absorbent handkerchief that's always dry To know all the words to "American Pie" I'd love a toaster that never burns the toast To get down to the mailbox in time for the post Trams that aren't dead on time when I'm late To not feel sick from the Christmas chocolate I ate A calendar that turns the pages by itself To have read all those books up there on the shelf To see bloopers from the Queen's Christmas Message To understand what the point is of dressage A little summer weather wouldn't go astray * To really see Santa fly by with his sleigh Car drivers who give way when they're supposed to To not have a sore nose after using a tissue A packet of Tim Tams that never runs out To understand what the stock exchange people shout One thing I don't have this year is much time So here's all the others that I didn't get to rhyme: Ties that automatically go to the right length Newspapers that recycle themselves An adult-sized Jolly Jumper Pens that don't lose themselves Frenchies to stop testing nuclear bombs Pictures that always hang straight on the wall Stickytape that doesn't stick to my fingers Endless chocolate in a special dispenser A microwave that remembers the time when unplugged A retractable cord that actually works People to stop ringing me - the wrong number A passport photo that makes me look human *Almost Bubblegum that is underside of table resistant Maps that can be folded back up first time Companies to stop sending bills for three cents To be able to keep in a fart when I need to A seminar that's interesting right to the end A big black thick texta that doesn't dry out Once a year to have chocolate for dinner * To understand what Boxing Day is really for ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This is the REVISED Toxic Custard holiday timetable. Live with it. 1/1/96 - Special New Year issue 8/1/96 - The Best Of TCWF 4 15/1/96 - The Best Of TCWF 5 22/1/96 - Back to "normal" Grab yourself a look at the TCWF Web sites: http://www.highway1.com.au/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ My family's Seasons Greetings to your family: http://www.rucc.net.au/~dbowen Backissues are available by FTP at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard On the Microsoft Network, Go tcwf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1995 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Australia----> Where Santa has problems riding through the snow Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu / DanielBowen@msn.com---TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu This has been a work of fiction. Opinions here are mine. Buy 'em if you want- Whichever little domain of the Net you call home, Seasons Greetings from my emailbox to your emailbox. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia Copyright (c) 1995, 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed unmodified and without a charge provided this notice remains intact. For subscription and back-issue information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu