**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 281 TO 285*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please always use tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for enquiries*** "New Year's Toxic Custard" Ahhh... 1996! The first of January! The day that Windows 95 starts to sound out of date! ----#####-####-#-----#-#####-Toxic-Custard-Workshop-Files---- # # # # # Number 281 # # # # # #### 1st January 1996 ------#---####-#######-#-----by-Daniel-Bowen----------------- So, 1995 is over, is it? Well, I've watched the TV retrospectives - the one on Channel 7 last Friday with the blonde late-night newsreader, and the one on Channel 10 on Sunday with the blonde late-night newsreader. It seems like everything that happened in 1995 was bad. All the news during the year was depressing. I mean the "real" news. Not the stuff about sport, or personalities, or puppies or other such frivolities - I mean the actual *news*. Loads of people blowing other people's heads off, destroying buildings, getting caught in earthquakes, storms, gas attacks, riots. There was only one bit of good news - the 50th anniversary of World War II - and that was a celebration of the ending of something else that was bad. Is this an indication of what we have to look forward to in 1996? Maybe it's the good things that just don't make it into the news. I (and my family) have had a superb 1995. And so, I believe, have most of my relatives, no matter how much they bitch about it. Hope you had a good '95. And a good Christmas. Or, if you don't celebrate Christmas, a good December 25th. We had a good Christmas. Heck, any Christmas where the Catholics and the athiests get together under one roof and don't offend each other is good. It's nice to know that tolerance exists, and if you don't agree then I'll hit you over the head with a croquet mallet. Lots of good food, lots of presents exchanged, with the minimum of duplicates - only two copies of Paul Reiser's "Couplehood", and Isaac will have a fleet of two of Elmo's Sesame Street Soft Choo Choo Trains. And we all trotted down to the park for a little swinging, chatting, kite-flying, wrestling and roundabout dizziness. You can't beat it on a gloriously sunny Christmas Day, especially after a miserable week of drizzle. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - To say farewell to 1995, here's the final MORON OF THE WEEK for '95. Unfortunately, this moron was going so moronically fast (in the opposite direction to me) that I can't be sure of the license plate number. It may have been NIH412, but don't quote me on that. It's not easy to remember a mere blur, especially when not in possession of a pen and paper. In any case, the moron in question was seen last Saturday around 1pm in Flemington Road. It is truly a moron who, during a holiday period, with police all over the country advising to drive slowly and carefully lest you get yourself killed in an accident, decides that he doesn't want to slow down to join the cars moving through the Flemington Road / Elliott Avenue intersection, and instead drives into the tram lane, through the tram stop safety zone, over the intersection and back into traffic. This is the kind of behaviour one could almost reasonably expect from an emergency vehicle driver, but not some twerp in his light blue car moving so fast the make couldn't be noted. Oh well, he'll probably win the 1995 "Most Likely To Wrap Himself Around A Power Pole One Of These Days" Award. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - My New Year's Resolutions: - To keep on enjoying myself - To finish cataloguing my excessively enormous video tape collection (yeah right Daniel, you've been saying that since 1992!) - To tidy the spare room (yeah right Daniel, you've been saying that since 1989!) - To find the sticky tape - To fit those new tap washers - To finish all the chocolate I got for Christmas without being sick - To research the viability of Nickelodeon Gak Splat as an alternative energy source - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The credits - Toxic Custard is brought to you by: * Me! Daniel Bowen! The poor idiot who writes all this crap * My wife Lori Bowen, proof reader extraordinaire * Brian Smith for countless suggestions, ideas, and a good dose of competition in the early days (when's that new episode of ContractOr coming then??) * Noah Friedman at MIT who provided the means to distribute by email * The guys at FUNET for the FTP back-issues site * Angelos Keromitis, Brian Exelbierd, Ken Taylor for the TCWF Web mirrors * Andrew Mitchell for email access and the soon-coming Melbourne Web mirror (local at last!) * The guys at MSN On Australia for help in setting up the MSN forum * Ray Chan, the (long lost) person who inspired it all * Everyone out there who has been the butt of my jokes - relatives, friends, morons, and everyone else who has strayed into my path * and everyone who has ever subscribed, abused, corrected, suggested, or otherwise shown a hint of having read it ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Toxic Custard holiday timetable: 8/1/96 - The Best Of TCWF 4 15/1/96 - The Best Of TCWF 5 22/1/96 - Back to "normal" Meanwhile, take a look at the TCWF Web sites: http://www.highway1.com.au/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ Backissues are available by FTP at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard On the Microsoft Network, Go tcwf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Australia-----------------> You'd never know it was summer here Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu This work of fiction is a work of fiction.----------------------------------- Happy New Year everyone; have a great '96... "Every person has the potential to create a great work of art; to work for the benefit of humanity; to become a spokesman or a great leader; to do good. Your role as a member of the human race is to reach your potential, and to help others to reach theirs." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Sprained Toxic Custard" toxic custard | | number 282 - 21st jan 1996 workshop files | | written by daniel bowen | +-----_ _______________________|---------=___________________________________ I have sprained my ankle. Now, I'd like to claim that this was during some great activity - a national sporting event, paragliding, bungee jumping, rodeo, bullfighting, base jumping, something of that stretches the human physique to its limits. But no. I sprained my ankle getting off a bus. It's the bus driver I blame. You just don't expect the bus driver to be so friendly. He said "hi, how are you" as I get on. Like, wow. Twilight Zone stuff. Okay, so it's only the kind of "how are you" that doesn't really warrant a detailed or personal response, but it's a surprise nonetheless. Then when I'm getting off, he says "thank you, see you again." And whatever the reasoning (MetBus's great friendliness and customer service campaign of '96 perhaps) it distracts me for a vital second. Just long enough to prevent me noticing that the ground below me, where I am about to tread, is not the conventional horizontal footpath I have come to expect, but a driveway. An *angled* driveway. The *edge* of an angled driveway, to be precise. My left foot (hey, good name for a film) decides it can't handle this. It leaps out of the way, taking some ligaments in my ankle with it. I land on the other knee, say "ow!" rather loudly and walk away. It wouldn't have been so bad, but I was on the way to the dentist. Ah, the dentist! The dentist is like any other person who knows a million times more about their field than you. Every one of them has you completely at their mercy. Only these people can charge you $145 for what seems like a few minutes' work and get away with it. They can tell you everything is wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it. The video repair shop - Well, the heads are gone, have to be replaced Dentist - Well, the wisdom teeth are trouble, have to be taken out Mechanic - Well, the whole exhaust is shot, has to be replaced Computer repair - Well, the hard drive is kaput, has to be replaced ... you get the picture. Luckily, my dentist is very trustworthy, and never takes advantage of me. Or so I believe... Anyway, the ankle. It didn't start to hurt until that evening, when it ballooned, so the next day I called in sick "honestly guys, I think they're going to have to amputate" and hobbled out on crutches and got it checked. It's only once you're on crutches that you appreciate the extreme discomfort of using them. You appreciate those low steps. You appreciate automatic doors. It was on these crutches on Friday 12th January (Crutch Day Number 3) that the MORON OF THE WEEK was spotted. The driver of red Commodore DEA380 actually managed to have TWO tries at mowing me down. Not bad, eh? As I was getting off the tram at the corner of Glen Huntly and Booran Roads, attempt one took place, only prevented by the gallant conductor leaping out and signalling him to stop (I probably looked pathetic trying to get down the steps with two crutches). Damn, I didn't get my chance to put the crutch through his windscreen. Seconds later, he has another go! I'm preparing to hobble across the street that he's decided he's turning left into. He apparently only thinks to give way upon meeting my glare (I've been practising). He pulls up, and waves me past, like he's doing me some big favour, rather than just obeying the road traffic laws. (Another nomination for MORON this week was dark blue Honda Accord FJO739, seen at Weir and New Streets on 11/1/96 roaring through the roundabout displaying an obvious disbelief in the existence of cyclists. I'm seriously considering taking all nominations and perhaps posting them on the Web in a big list. Email back your thoughts.) Meanwhile, back in ankle land on Crutch Day Number 1, I'd managed to get to the x-ray place. It's lucky x-rays aren't like passport photos - you don't get them back and see all the hairs on your leg sticking out and have to get them re-done to avoid embarrassment. But the x-ray guy (Mr Plutonium I think he said his name was) got talking, and asked "so, could you blame the bus company?" I thought about this for a few seconds, and there's two big reasons why I wouldn't go into legal action. Firstly, it was my fault. Okay, call me crazy, but how could I maintain a straight face while suing someone else because I wasn't looking where I was going? Secondly, and more importantly, is that ANY legal action means LAWYERS GET MONEY. This is not a good situation. They already have plenty of other peoples' money, and I in no way want to encourage them. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So, did we all manage to see the UV ads before they took them off air? For those of you outside Australia, these sunscreen ads appeared in December, but were withdrawn last week after accusations of racism. But hey, if anything, it was ANTI-WHITE racism! Not even a notch towards evening the score, I would have thought. Anyway, in case you missed them, here's a transcript of one of the ads. For those of you on the World-Wide-Web, I've put up the transcript with some stills from the ad on the new Toxic Custard Features page http://www.rucc.net.au/tcwf/features/ (So far it's only on the RUCC mirror.) Caption: "This message is for whites" White man (very serious): "White skin contains precious little melanin, the body's natural protection against the sun. So whenever you're outside, you need to apply a sunscreen - like 'UV' - to reflect away harmful rays." Caption: "This message is for blacks" Black man (happy and enthusiastic): "We've got LOADS of melanin!" Caption: "UV protection. The next best thing to being black." - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD COMPUTER GLOSSARY PART 26 (Finally finishing!) ZIP, Z, LHA, or GZ FILE One of those things that you know nothing about when you start using computers, and about which other computer users roll their eyes when asked about, before patiently trying to explain the whole concept. ZMODEM A standard for data transfer between computers using modems which thankfully gets around the problem of the line cutting out just seconds before you've finished that 10 megabyte download of the hottest new game since Pong. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The TCWF Web site is available for your perusal: http://www.highway1.com.au/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ http://www.rucc.net.au/tcwf/ http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ Backissues are available by FTP at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard On the Microsoft Network, Go tcwf - Check out the wacky zany mildly amusing subscription e-form ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia---> Home of "whatsisname" who beat Sampras Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Responsibility for electoral comment is taken by... hey, who wrote this crap? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Carpetted Toxic Custard" TOXIC CUSTARD ====\ /===\ /===\ Number 283 WORKSHOP FILES /===/ >---< ---< 29th January 1996 ===== \===/ \===/ by Daniel Bowen We're expecting our hall carpet to get replaced soon. Yep, the landlady's finally doing something about all the worn carpet. Originally the plan had been for it to be stretched. It would happen shortly after we moved in, we were told. The guy would come, his carpet stretching equipment (which resembles props from the torture scene of a bad medieval movie) was already in the cupboard, waiting. Well, that was last March and the guy never showed up. Every few days the landlady would ask "did he come?" and we'd say "no..." The questions came fewer and fewer, and the man himself vanished off the face of the earth. We still have his equipment. Presumably out there somewhere in the world is a carpet stretcher who has either moved into another profession, or is extremely frustrated at having forgotten where his tools are. He probably goes to job interviews. "So, what carpet stretching experience have you had?" "Forty years of stretching all kinds of carpets." "Excellent, excellent. And you have your own tools?" "Ah... no." "Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear. Next!" Anyway, after ten months, the landlady decided to switch to another tactic. That of replacing the carpet with tiles. So she arranged for a carpet-puller-upper/tile-layer to come and measure it all up. After some delay (oh great, she's called another fictional repairman) he was finally due around 11:30 on Friday. A public holiday but oh well, someone's got to work them. The doorbell rings. Ah ha! I think, the guy about the tiles! I stride confidently to the front door and open. Hmm.. it's not one guy, but two, plus a kid - probably one of their sons. Well, okay, I can handle that. I'm about to let them in when I notice hmm... wearing suits. Not your usual workman clothing. Even the kid's wearing a suit... Oh no, wait a minute, it's the-- ---fictional bit begins here "Hello, we're Jehov--" "Yes, come in! We've been expecting you." "Pardon?" "This is it, here. The whole hallway to be replaced." "But we wanted to talk to you about--" "What, you haven't brought your tape measures? Here, use ours." "--the origins of the universe and--" "Yes, that's it, and around into that alcove there, right up to the bathroom door." "--what man can do to--" "Don't forget to write it all down, okay, thank you, out you go." "But hey, wait a minute--" "Yes, thanks, see you next time!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Sunday I spent the evening at a barbecue... standing around the hot plate in the park with the blokes swatting flies and talking about beer - ah, you can't get much more AUSTRALIAN and MANLY than that! But Saturday found me in another of my occasional attempts at cooking dinner. Another attempt to provide for the family in a domestic mode, you know. The goal: A puffy, light, delicate souffle. The problem: I'm not even quite sure how to *say* "souffle", let alone make one. The solution: Read and follow the cookbook religiously. The other problem: I don't know what half the stuff in the book means. And I'm too stubborn to ask advice. Beat the eggs until you see peaks? What, like the Himalayas? Aww hell, they look like they might be peaks. The result: Well, not quite what I'd call a souffle. Not quite as bad as I'd been dreading (which was something that could quite reasonably be rejected by the patrons at the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen). Puffy? No. Light? No. Delicate? No. Souffle? Certainly not. More a kind of crustless egg pie, if there is such a thing. Edible? Yes, and frankly I'm glad, I didn't want to wait another half hour for a pizza to be delivered. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I've been reading over the past couple of weeks how the Duchess Of Fergie is in debt - the estimates being between two and six million dollars. In the course of this discussion, let us go with the lowest of the two amounts. $2 million?! TWO MILLION DOLLARS? How the hell do you get $2 million into debt(*)? That's more than some small countries! It's surely not an easy thing to do. I know if I tried that on my Mastercard they'd pull it after a couple of grand. Okay, we all have to accept that it's hard living with virtually zero income. In this case "zero" is a mere $460,000 a year, in fact. But really, if you looked at your personal finances, and saw something like this: (per year) Income $ 460,000 Spending $ 1,200,000 = Deficit $ 740,000 ... it could be time to start reconsidering your lifestyle. (*) In the event that time has passed somewhat and you're reading this in the year 2200 and thinking "but $2 million wouldn't buy a stamp!" then just take it from me - in 1996 it's a bucket load of money, okay? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This week's feature on the TCWF Web site? Well, um... there isn't one. Just last week's. Sorry. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The TCWF Web site is sitting at these addresses, just waiting for you to visit... (at a new URL every week!) http://tcwf.rucc.net.au http://www.highway1.com.au/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ Backissues are available by FTP at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard Want to download the Windows help version of the Custarpedia? On the Microsoft Network, go tcwf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia----------> What else did you want to know? Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Responsibility for electoral comment is taken by... hey, who wrote this crap? ^^ This was last week's last line, but they just called a Federal election for March 2nd, so I figure it stays for at least another month. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Vote [1] Toxic Custard!" 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 T o x i c C u s t a r d W o r k s h o p F i l e s 284 284 by Daniel Bowen Number 284 5th February 1996 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 284 TOXIC ELECTION COVERAGE! - THE TOXIC CUSTARD POLITICAL CIRCUS Yes, just in case you thought there wasn't already enough blanket coverage of the Federal Election, we'll be giving it jokey and superficial coverage, right up to the poll date, March 2nd. So remember, read Toxic Custard - For all the latest in election coverage. (And I do mean *latest*.) Remember "If it happened in politics today, you'll read about it in Toxic Custard next week." We'll start off with a reader survey. 1. As the election looms, less than four weeks away, political experts are debating what the people's preference will be in that most vital of issues - What the election night coverage on the telly should be called. Which do you prefer? a) Election '96 - The Verdict b) Election '96 - The Decision c) Election '96 - The Result d) Election '96 - All your regular favourite programmes cancelled e) I like all of them, so I'll be flicking from channel to channel all night. f) Whichever one's got Ray Martin on it. 2. What is your opinion of the two main leaders? a) Keating's a complete idiot b) Howard's a complete idiot c) Both Howard and Keating are complete idiots d) The whole bloody parliament are complete idiots! 3. What issue would you rate as the most important to you? a) How many babies each leader kisses. b) How many times each leader appears shaking hands with great business leaders c) How many times each leader appears wearing a hard-hat and shaking hands with blokes in a factory d) How many times each leader audibly farts on camera during the debates e) Economic, industrial relations, health, environmental policies, all that boring stuff 4. How much of what the politicians say do you believe? a) None of it, but it's only because I'm a chronic paranoid who thinks the government is out to get me, so I'm holed up in a bunker with more arms than David Koresh. b) A little of it, but it's only because I'm an obsessive who personally researches every issue and statement in-depth before making a decision. c) About half in half, I guess. d) Most of it, I believe that politicians are good people, and are in no way trying to get themselves into cushy jobs that earn ridiculous wages and a lifetime pension at taxpayers expense. e) Everything, but it's only because I'm a complete idiot. 5. Finally, let's get right down to the major question. How will you vote? a) I'll turn up to my local polling place, go into the booth, fill in the form and bung it into the box. b) I'll send a postal vote because I'll be away in the wilderness on holiday while the rest of the country is going crazy. c) I'll be so hungover from drinking the night before that I'll forget and only remember when I get fined. d) I'm an Australian living abroad, and will vote through my local embassy or consulate. I may not have a great interest in who runs the country, but I don't want those morons in the party to win. e) I don't live in Australia, and I'm not even an Australian citizen, so I can't vote in this election, but I'm filling out this survey because I'm very opinionated. If you feel like it, email your results back to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu or fill in the form on the Web page listed below. For all the latest from the Toxic Custard Political Circus, jump onto the Web and head for http://tcwf.rucc.net.au/features/circus.html (or from your regular TCWF mirror follow the links Features-> Latest) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - No Moron Of The Week this week. Well, not quite. Put it this way, I couldn't get the license plate. Too fast. I really wish I could've, too, because this guy was a REAL moron. Not one of your everyday morons, but a real candidate for Moron Of The Year. 'Twas on Glen Huntly Road that I saw him, his metallic blue Holden Commodore revving with the kind of rev you only get in cars driven by men with no penis. He revved, and revved, and revved again, as he tailgated his way west behind what I can only guess was a bloody terrified individual in a Ford Laser. By the way people, YES, there will be a Moron Masterlist, to be posted onto the Web in, oh... I dunno, the next month or two. When I get around to it... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Why do magazines only print page numbers on a few of the pages? Not just the pages with ads - a lot of the other ones, too. And it seems like the more glossy and fashionable and hip the magazine, the fewer the page numbers. Are page numbers out of fashion? Do they give away the uncool linearity of the conventional paper magazine? Far from it, they enforce it, because you virtually have to thumb your way through the magazine to find the bloody article you want. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This week's feature on the TCWF Web site is the Toxic Custard Political Circus. Not just what you see in the email transmissions, but MORE! (Okay, so some of it is dredged up from old issues, but it's all entirely in context. Honest.) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The TCWF Web site is at these addresses. Come and try to work out why TCWF was one of Yahoo's Picks Of The Week last week! http://www.highway1.com.au/tcwf/ http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ http://tcwf.rucc.net.au Backissues are available by FTP at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard On the Microsoft Network, go tcwf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia----> Just a little way south of Whittlesea Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Responsibility for electoral comment is taken by... hey, who wrote this crap? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "The other Toxic Custard" It's confirmed. The rumours are true. There really is an organisation called The California Wellness Foundation. And they're building a web site. Called www.tcwf.org ( t h e o t h e r ) TOXIC ==+== /== + + +==== TOXIC CUSTARD | / | | | Number 285 CUSTARD WORKSHOP | \ | | |== 12th February 1996 WORKSHOP FILES | \== \/\/ | Written by Daniel Bowen FILES Toxic Custard's election coverage continues this week - If you haven't filled in the survey from last week's TCWF, get on with it, you've only got until this Friday! Dig into your email for the questions, or fill in the Web version at the Toxic Custard Political Circus page http://tcwf.rucc.net.au/features/circus.html And remember, the great thing about it is... you can fill in the survey more than once - and not get into trouble!! (No doubt someone, somewhere, is reading this and saying: "So?") * * * Here is a message from the Australian Electoral Commission: Australia is a democracy. Participate or else. * * * So, who do you think won Sunday's big debate, hosted by feared in-depth political journalist and OAP pinup Ray Martin? The early "let's see what a bunch of ill-informed nerks in the Channel 9 studio audience thought" analysis suggests Pauly-baby had the upper hand. Mind you, there was a split second where it looked like they cut to him at the wrong moment and he was picking his nose, but maybe I'm mistaken. For those of you who didn't get to see the debate, here's an excerpt from the best bit. [discussing whether the government fulfilled their previous promises] Paul: Yes we did. John: No you didn't. Paul: Yes we did. John: No you didn't. Paul: Yes we did. John: No you didn't. Paul: Did! John: Didn't! Paul: Did! John: Didn't! Paul: Did! John: Didn't! Ray: But this isn't a debate, it's just contradiction. John: He's right. Paul: No he isn't. John: Yes he is. Paul: No he isn't. * * * You may have been wondering just how much we can trust our politicians. About as far as we can throw them, of course. Well, we at Toxic Custard decided to do a comparison test - to find out how far we *can* throw a politician compared to a lawyer or a real estate agent. So we rang Darwin's top dwarf throwers and got them together with six politicians, six lawyers and six real estate agents. The results? Inconclusive. The one thing that has been proven beyond all doubt is that none of them can be thrown very far. As a follow up we decided to fire them all out of cannon. Not to try and get a conclusive answer; just for fun. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Have you ever found a piece of paper, just a scrap, a post-it note, whatever, upon which was written, in your own writing, something you could make absolutely no sense of? I found just such an object while digging through the kitchen the other week. A scrap of paper, upon which was written, in what can only be described as my handwriting, the following: The Ants Bros - Rag Mop I have *no* idea what this means. I'd appreciate any input from anybody who might have a clue. I'd really like to know. I hope that by including the full text of the note here, I'm preserving it and distributing it far and wide, just so that in the slim possibility that it is some piece of knowledge that is of great value to humanity, it isn't lost in the ravages of the paper recycle bin. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - This week's MORON OF THE WEEK is whoever sold the owner of grey Mitsubishi FOA804 what purports to be a burglar alarm. It's not - it is in fact an alarm which sounds when other cars pass within two metres and when moderate gusts of wind occur in the vicinity. Understandably, both of these phenomena (and no one trying to break into the car) were present in North Road, Ormond last Saturday when this car's alarm went off. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This week's feature on the TCWF Web site is still the Political Circus. Updated every few days until we know who the winner is! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The TCWF Web site is at these addresses. http://www.catt.ncsu.edu/www_projects/tcwf/ http://www.forthnet.gr/humour/tcwf/ http://tcwf.rucc.net.au http://www.highway1.com.au/tcwf/ Backissues are available by FTP at: ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard On the Microsoft Network, go tcwf ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia----> Something, something, something, blah Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu Responsibility for electoral comment is taken by... hey, who wrote this crap? ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia Copyright (c) 1995, 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed unmodified and without a charge provided this notice remains intact. For subscription and back-issue information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu