**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 296 TO 300*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please always use tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu for enquiries*** "24 megabytes of Toxic Custard" ===== /==== | | ===== | | | | |__ -.,-..- 20th May 1996 |oxic|ustard| |orkshop|iles .-'`-||-. by Daniel Bowen | \==== \_/\_/ | `- -'`-' http://tcwf.rucc.net.au Following the air disaster in Florida, it's time for the FAA to start asking the hard questions: Who in their right mind would choose to fly on an airline with a name as tacky as "ValuJet"? Actually, while in America, we heard of what would have to rate as the silliest air crash ever. I'm sure you all remember it. Little seven year-old Jessica, trying to be the youngest ever to fly across the USA. Is the human race OUT OF OUR MINDS?! A seven year old, barely able to reach the pedals?! Where does it end? My son Isaac has just turned one, should he be the next to try for the record? Watching the news in the US was amusing. I'm at a safe distance, so it's probably safe to name names: KNVX, Phoenix. This station has a news service that fulfils just about every cliche of bad news reporting you could think of. They don't just have theme music. Nope. They've got some DJ announcer and sound effects when their logo comes on. This is KNVX News, Phoenix. And the newsreaders! What attitude! While one would read the story, the other would shake his/her head in disbelief. Then for any story where anybody had screwed up anything, they'd look at each other and make a snide remark, with the tone of voice that normally goes with the words, "how *stupid* can you get?" It was comforting to see that on other channels, like here in Australia, there were newsreaders who just *read the news*. The odd thing about most of the free-to-air broadcast news services was that "world" news was mostly from elsewhere in the United States. It wasn't until the massacre in Tasmania that we saw some news from home. Triffic, had to be that, didn't it. Thankfully CNN was much better. Okay, so there was a lot of crap on the cable channels, but there was a lot of good stuff too. The moment the Australian cable carriers bring through VH1 and a channel that gets C-Net, I'll pounding on their doors to sign up (instead of the other way round). After some investigation, we found the secondhand Levi's trade route across the Pacific Ocean. It starts in little corner shops in American cities, and ends, with huge markups, in shops in the parts of the world with extremely gullible people, like here in Australia. Beats me what's so special about 501s anyway. But some Australians are fighting back. Let all the Aussies know - someone has invented something called the "Outback Steakhouse", a chain of restaurants all over the USA. There you can find Australian beers (including Foster's imported from Toronto!) and all sorts of alleged Australian delicacies with silly ocker names. I've lived in Australia for all of my twenty-five years, and never once before have I heard of the "Bloomin' Onion". *I* think it's just a big Crocodile Dundee cash-in. But let me tell you, they do serve *damn* good food there. So get down there and have a steak. And have a XXXX for me. (That reminds me. Saw a great Foster's ad in a bar in Seattle. A truck is struggling over a sandy hilly terrain. The wheels slip... then at last they grip on the ground, and it moves forward, pulling a rope behind it. The caption appears "Australian for Dentist." Then a Foster's can appears and it says "Australian for Beer.") - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - COMMON URBAN COMMUTER TRIBES OF THE 67 ====================================== NAME: Skateboarders (Skatus bigpantus) APPEARANCE: Loose t-shirts, and very big pants. Often with caps on backwards, smelly sneakers. Always bad haircuts. ACCESSORIES: Skateboard, soft-drink bottle, multicoloured misshapen lump which might have once been a bag. VOCABULARY: Mostly complaining about school, or talk of the skateboard spare part trade. OTHER ATTRIBUTES: Typically in groups of three. Almost exclusively male. Ability to walk doubtful. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - If you're dying to know who this week's MORON OF THE WEEK is, then die no more. It's none other than the driver of white Range Rover NJD776, spotted in Kooyong Road, Caulfield on Sunday afternoon taking the family out for a drive. Let's just say she's got a bit of a blind spot for red traffic lights. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - So, Daniel, we heard you just splashed out on more memory for your computer. - Yep, it's got 24Mb now. More than enough for anybody. At least until next week. Ha, you're not getting me into one of those Bill Gates quotes... Why'd you spend the money? - Makes it faster. When you're typing up Toxic Custard... in that DOS text editor of yours... does it help you type faster? - Well, no. Do you think up jokes faster? - Look, it makes it easier when I'm editing the spiffed up Toxic Custard Web page, okay? Putting in all those cool graphics and stuff. By golly, he's right folks; check it out.. the Toxic Custard Web page, now at http://tcwf.rucc.net.au ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you've got a link or bookmark to the TCWF USA Web site, let it be known that it's gone west. Not even sure why yet, it just seems to have disappeared. So why not link to/bookmark the new TCWF home page, which will always have the latest Toxic Custard (with loads of ill-placed clipart), and links to the latest mirrors... >>> http://tcwf.rucc.net.au <<< For those with only FTP access, back issues are at ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia------------------------------------------- Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Spooky Toxic Custard" TOXIC CUSTARD ___ ___ ____ WORKSHOP FILES / __\ (___) / Number 297 - 27th May 1996 http://tcwf.rucc.net.au /___ __) | Written by Daniel Bowen People apparently want to know more about our big trip to America last month. Oddly enough, the people who want to know the most are the Americans. Either they just want an outsiders view, or they're trying to make sure we had a good time there. Which we did. If you live in Seattle, and you know someone visiting from Melbourne, be sure to take them down to the waterfront. Seattle has half a dozen trams from Melbourne down there, and it's probably the spookiest feeling in the world to be sitting in a vehicle (a) that's such an obvious reminder of home and (b) as far away from home as you are. What really makes your jaw drop is to see the old notices for the tramways band playing at Wattle Park. Just plain weird. Seattle's Space Needle is cool, too. You've seen it painted onto the back of the studio set on Frasier - well I've gone up in it. Quite apart from the view, the design of it is just so olde-sci-fi that it looks like a prop from one of those early Flash Gordon series. Seattle also has ferries. Stepping out onto the deck of a Seattle ferry in the wind is possibly one of the coldest things I've ever experienced. The wind doesn't obey the normal rules of aerodynamics - it just seems to go through you rather than around you. Actually, we didn't spend all of our holiday in America - we got to nip into Canada for a couple of days too, on the pretence of going to see Vancouver, but it was mostly so I could get another stamp in my passport. Crossing the border was a bit intimidating actually. Because my wife and son have dual nationality, I was the only Australian in a car full of Americans. They didn't even have to show any ID - I was the one who had to get out for a grilling at immigration. At first I thought they'd be really friendly. I spotted the picture of Her Maj Queen Liz on the wall and thought they just wanted to say hello and welcome to a fellow Commonwealth person, and compare notes on socialised medicine. Turned out to be a quick quiz about where we were going, how long for, just a short conversation to see if I'd suddenly break down and shout "Oh stop playing games! You know all about it! You know about the mysterious white powder in the lining in the suitcase... you know about the huge amounts of currency... you know about the false passport in the name of Gonzo McGillycuddy." Just as well I wasn't really concealing anything other than that I really needed to go to the toilet. But it still made me a bit nervous - knowing that a cough at the wrong time could result in some customs guy ramming a rubber-gloved hand up my arse for a rummage around. In the end they were just friendly and business-like, and I got my precious passport stamp. Driving on into Canada, things began to look more familiar, as the miles turned into kilometres. The money was different colours... they had $1 and $2 coins... but there was still the confusion of VAT and tips. *Yawn* Yet more on the trip next week. See the Web page for a piccy or two... http://tcwf.rucc.net.au ... that URL again http://tcwf.rucc.net.au - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Ever wondered how come some songs of the late 60s and 70s have become timeless classics? It's easy. Whether the record companies have worked it out or not, it's a simple formula. The song just had to be over six minutes long. No, honestly. Look at the REAL classics you still hear on the radio today. "Stairway To Heaven", "Layla", "Won't Get Fooled Again", "American Pie", "Hey Jude", "Bohemian Rhapsody"... is there any long song that *wasn't* a huge all-time classic? I don't think so. In fact, would any of these been great classics if they were only three and a half minutes long? Actually, sometimes I think it's a shame that the publishing industry doesn't market itself more like the recording industry. It might get authors back into the forefront of pop culture. What if books were marketed like records? You could buy a chapter for a buck and decide if you were going to want to read the whole book. The authors would tour, doing book reading concerts to help push sales. Every weekend there'd be TV shows with video-clips of the latest and charting chapter releases. Eventually there'd be a TV channel dedicated to books. BTV. *Okay, so Bohemian Rhapsody is only 5:52, but you get the general idea. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - COMMON URBAN COMMUTER TRIBES OF THE 67 ====================================== NAME: Young male executive/consultant (Yuppis Andersenis) APPEARANCE: Double breasted suit or jacket and trousers. Fancy tie. Button-down collar. 55% chance of cuff-links. Trenchcoat in winter. ACCESSORIES: Mobile phone generally concealed about person, but nobody ever calls. Copy of The Financial Review. Briefcase or big leather diary. VOCABULARY: Mostly TLAs and discussions on tax minimisation. OTHER ATTRIBUTES: Annoying habit of pulling cord and standing by the door a ridiculously long time before the stop. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Don't forget the newly refurbished TCWF Web site is at http://tcwf.rucc.net.au - where you can find this issue with PICTURES!!! Whoa! Stretch the medium to its limits!! For those with only FTP access, back issues are at ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia-----------------The land that time ignored Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu ---------When visiting America, we choose to stay with our relatives--------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Alien Toxic Custard" GREETINGS EARTHLINGS. WE ARE BACK ON EARTH AFTER AN ABSENCE OF FIFTEEN YEARS. MUCH HAS CHANGED. YOUR PEOPLE ARE NO LONGER ON THE BRINK OF NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE. MANY OF YOU ARE FIGHTING MORE THAN EVER TO COMBAT THE POVERTY AND PERSECUTION OF YOUR FELLOW HUMANS. AND YOU HAVE FINALLY SPOTTED THAT HOLE IN YOUR OZONE LAYER. YET THERE IS ONE DEVELOPMENT ON YOUR WORLD THAT WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND. ONE CHANGE THAT WE COULD NOT HAVE PREDICTED, AND FIND OURSELVES UNABLE TO COMPREHEND. WHAT IN VLEGRZ HAPPENED TO MICHAEL JACKSON? =====-----==-----=-=-=-=-----======== Toxic Custard Workshop Files =======-====-=====-=-=-=-=========== http://tcwf.rucc.net.au =======-====-=====-=-=-=----======= Number 298 - 3rd June 1996 =======-====-----=-----=-========= Written by Daniel Bowen School buses. There is nothing quite like an American school bus. I don't know why they have to be that colour, but it's cool. Maybe they found people just didn't spot them unless they were big, yellow and with lots of stop signs attached. After a few days on holiday in America, the school buses became a bit of an obsession with me. I just had to get a good photo of one. Australian school buses are just plain buses, so it would be just as much a postcard as a piccy of the Grand Canyon. At first I couldn't snap one. They'd be past before I got the camera out. They taunted me. Until we stopped in the little town of Jerome, Arizona (proud to announce the arrival of the town's first bank machine), and I snapped one coming down the main street. Of course, once I got my photo, I'd see fleets of them everywhere - typical, eh? But it didn't matter - I had my picture of the big yellow school bus. The USA is one of the last countries still to hold out to metric. Imperial measurements rule. There is nothing more confusing than to attempt to buy a drink that's 12 fl oz, when you not only don't know how much a fl oz is, you don't even know what it stands for. I got by though - I'd just look at the sizes on offer and choose the middle one. That way I knew I wouldn't be getting anything pathetically small or ridiculously big. But I get the feeling that metric is sneaking in... it's taking over by stealth. It's on the stuff that nobody reads - the nutrition information. Well, almost, the energy/fat (it's energy if you use it, it's fat if you don't) is in calories instead of kilojoules. There was one other thing measured in metric, something that I didn't expect. Coke bottles. Yep, the ol' two litre bottle of Coke is alive and well in the USA. But the cans are that brings them out at only 355ml! Ripped off! No wonder I still felt thirsty after drinking a can of Coke; I was 20ml short of quenching my thirst! Americans! Rise up! March on the streets! Demand your 20ml of Coke! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - COMMON URBAN COMMUTER TRIBES OF THE 67 ====================================== NAME: Groovy women (Hippus floppyhatti) APPEARANCE: Never over 40. Generally wearing boots, a beret, beanie or floppy hat. Short hair and an abundance of black clothing. ACCESSORIES: Gloves during winter. Cloth bag or one of those dicky little backpacks. Probably has a mobile phone, but then, who hasn't? VOCABULARY: Ciao! OTHER ATTRIBUTES: Usually reading fashionable magazines or lecture notes, or having what sounds like an incredibly pretentious and meaningless conversation. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Waiting for a haircut at the barber yesterday, I observed someone who is obviously serious about his smoking. Probably smokes twenty-four hours a day. He strolled in, all the time in the world, a cigarette alight in his mouth, fumbled for money, bought some more cigarettes, and strolled out again. Another funny site was the window of SmokeMart in Elizabeth Street last week. Now there's a classy shop - not! Wouldn't quite look right nestled in between the fine boutiques in the Royal Arcade, now would it? Anyway, the cigarette companies have to find their advertising space wherever they can now that billboard and magazine ciggie ads are no more. (Grand Prixes excepted. Actually, this was another thing I noticed about the US. It was so freaky to see billboards with cigarette advertising that I kept subconsciously pointing the video camera at them.) So in the Smokemart window they had a little carousel advertising the benefits of wrapping your lips around a Marlboro. Actually, there aren't really any benefits apart from the medical variety, so it would appear that it's just a brand war now. "Why get lung cancer with Winfields when we at Marlboro can give you cancer twice as fast!" The carousel turned, and packets of Marlboro going round and round. Maybe it was just me, but because each packet was the same except for the warning label, it was the warning label that caught my eye as they went round. More of a kind of display about all the perils of smoking, rather than the cigarettes themselves... "Smoking kills"... "Smoking causes cancer"... "Smoking reduces your fitness" (a cop-out message if ever I saw one)... "Your smoking endangers others"... Round and round they danced, each warning more dire than the next. Would have made a great Quit advert. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Thanks to everyone who sends me mail. Don't feel offended if you don't get a reply. The mail piles up very fast, and this is only a hobby. On the other hand, if you DO get a reply, maybe you can wait until I'm really famous and sell it for cold hard cash! Ah, it'll be a fine day indeed when copies of email go up for sale at Sotheby's along side hand-written letters from Lord Byron. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Catch the illustrated version of this issue of Toxic Custard at the TCWF Web site - http://tcwf.rucc.net.au where you'll also find back issues, features, and other fun stuff. For those with FTP access, back issues are at ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard If you've received this TCWF from a friend and would like to subscribe, just fire off a quick mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu with the subject "Gimme TCWF!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia----The land that time never really noticed Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu -------------When visiting America, we choose to fly by aeroplane------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Buy Toxic Custard now!" TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES ---. ,---. ,---. 10th June 1996 .--' `---| `---| http://tcwf.rucc.net.au Written by Daniel Bowen----- `--- ---' ---' ----------------------- You know the best thing about airline travel? Nope, not the food. (As if!) Not the endless B-grade movies. Not the GTE Airfone costing ARRGHGHHH dollars a minute. It's the in-flight shopping magazine. All the stuff you've never wanted at the prices you'd never pay if you did. But that doesn't matter. When you're flying, you're looking for any old distraction to keep you busy. After scanning all the audio channels (including spending ten minutes trying to get the most interesting one - coincidentally the only one that doesn't work - to work), you settle on the shopping magazine. It doesn't matter that it's the kind of stuff that if you did suffer temporary insanity and buy, would be sitting in your cupboard for the rest of your cupboard's life. It's entertaining. You can point out things to your travelling companions, accompanied by comments like "who buys this stuff?" And by the time you've almost convinced yourself that you *need* that personal digital alarm-clock and coathanger, it'll be time for the next meal to start. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Cashing in err, *taking advantage* of the interest in diet and nutrition in recent years, Toxic Custard presents the Toxic Custard Food Triangle. Unfortunately, the food groups as represented on most dietary guides incorrectly names the groups. In the interests of a healthier, tastier society, we at Toxic Custard Laboratories feel obligated to reveal the results of our analysis of the food groups. So, what are the groups? Well, you've got your Burger group - this includes all kinds of hamburger, fishburger, cheeseburger, and of course the great Aussie burgers that include egg and beetroot. New research has indicated that it can actually be very unhealthy to eat less than three burgers a week. Then there's your Chips. All flavours of potato chips, hot chips, and potato cakes are included in the Chips group. The Pizza group includes all varieties of thin and deep pan pizza, with or without anchovies. The most prized group is the Chocolate group. A large block should be eaten at least daily, but remember to brush your teeth afterwards - you need to keep your teeth in good condition so you can keep eating. The final food group is the Alcohol group. While experts say that regular red wine can help lower cholesterol, here at Toxic Custard we have determined that getting completely paralytic a couple of times a week can really give the nervous system a much-needed jolt the next morning, and for some people can lead to exciting out-of-body experiences. _____ TOXIC CUSTARD FOOD TRIANGLE / \ Alcohol: Fri/Sat (Actually, more of a trapezoid) /Alcohol\ night piss-ups /_________\ Burgers: 4-5 / | \ Pizza: 2-3 times weekly /Burgers|Pizza\ times weekly if you can /________|______\ manage it / | \ Chips: Best / Chocolate | Chips \ consumed at Chocolate: A family /____________|________\ least daily sized block daily - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Things look bad for Britain. Not only do they have to put up with loopy beef syndrome, but I have been informed during the week that *their* cans of Coke offer a mere 330ml! Three hundred and thirty millilitres! Travesty! Shock! Horror! Okay, so what's the deal? The Americans are surviving on 355, and here in Australia we get 375! So is that why we're called The Lucky Country? Do the Brits just not get as thirsty, or is it a scheme to get them to use more aluminium? Maybe they wouldn't dare give us Australians anything less than a MAN sized drink. But before the Poms march to the streets in anger, we at Toxic Custard have the solution - the butch, man-sized superpowered Cola for the Nineties! To be launched onto the market next week with a massive advertising blitz, this is the drink pumped with enough testosterone to quench every man's thirst. Next time you head for the 7-11 fridge, don't buy any of those pissy small cans of GIRL's cola. No, instead reach for a can of BLOKE! "Enjoy BLOKE!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - COMMON URBAN COMMUTER TRIBES OF THE 67 ====================================== NAME: Middle-aged white collar male (Daggus Middleagi) APPEARANCE: Greying or disappearing hair. Striped tie, Hush Puppies. Pullover under jacket on cold days. Plastic raincoat on wet days. ACCESSORIES: Old beaten up briefcase. NEVER has a walkman. Always has an umbrella - just in case. VOCABULARY: Not known to speak, apart from "Zone 1 daily please." OTHER ATTRIBUTES: Has difficulty keeping control of faculties when sneezing. Often drops papers all over the floor of the tram. Closely resembles George Dent in "Drop The Dead Donkey". ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New this week at the TCWF Web site: the complete Toxic Custard Shakespeare! Also catch the illustrated version of this issue, and more at http://tcwf.rucc.net.au [Shakespeare should be on all mirrors by Friday] For those with FTP access, back issues are at ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard If you've received this TCWF from a friend and would like to subscribe, just fire off a quick mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu with the subject "Gimme TCWF!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia---The land down under (the equator thingy) Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu -----------The views expressed above are... umm... mine, I guess.------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Virtual Toxic Custard" What can I say? It's obvious from last week's fiasco that I need to pay more attention to my posting, and there's a few people out there who need to learn the difference between "Reply To All" and "reply". For those of you who have just joined us, welcome to the celebratory three hundredth issue of the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. -- ===== ___ ____ ------------------------------------ ---- = / || || | __| ----- Number 300, 17th June 1996 --- ---- = | || || | __| ----- Written by Daniel Bowen ------ ---- = \___ ||_||_|| |_| ----- http://tcwf.rucc.net.au ------ We'll be celebrating the three hundredth issue with a virtual party. A virtual party is just like a real one, except that instead of everybody getting together in one place for an actual party, we all simulate what would happen if we had attended a party. To "attend" the virtual party, follow the instructions below. First pick a number between 1 and 8. If you picked 1, you're hosting the virtual party. Go systematically through your house and destroy the contents every room. Empty all your alcohol into the sink. Tonight at midnight, turn the stereo up full blast and ring the police to complain about the noise you're making. If you picked 2, you're going to get really really drunk at the virtual party. First go out and buy a pair of underpants (for the opposite or the same sex), a slice of bacon, a banana, some orange juice, and all the beer, wine and spirits you can carry. Take it home and start drinking. Before you lose consciousness, mix some mashed banana with orange juice, and distribute it around where you'll be lying. Put the slice of bacon inside the underpants, and put these over your face. Then resume drinking. If you picked 3, you're going to turn up at the virtual party on the wrong day, at the wrong time, and at the wrong house. Pick a random address out of the phone book and go around at 7pm with a bottle of wine and try and talk your way in. If you picked 4, you're not invited. Stay at home tonight thinking bitter thoughts about everyone else enjoying themselves. If you picked 5, you're going to the virtual party but you really don't want to. Spend two hours thinking up subtle but obvious ways of indicating to your partner "let's go! Now!" If you picked 6, you're going with someone who really doesn't want to be there. Keep repeating the phrase "in a few minutes." If you picked 7, you'll go to the virtual party and have a really miserable time because someone plays such shitty music. Turn your radio to the station you hate the most and listen to it all night. And finally, if you picked 8, you'll get completely lost going to the virtual party. Go out and try and find your own house by looking up the address in the street directory for another city. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Reading through the Trading Post over the weekend, a few of the ads struck me as a trifle suspect. See what you think: Infrared & low light hand held night scope, Israeli made, suit surveillance or hobbyist $750 Hobbyist?! Just what kind of hobby requires a hand held night scope?! Only one really comes to mind, and that involves scrambling around in bushes at night infringing people's privacy. But if you think that's weird, try this: THE GOAT BLOKE Goats for sale or hire Hire?! Why on earth would I want to hire a goat? I wonder if he checks them for damage when they're returned? I can see the statement made to police now... "Yeah well, we got a bit drunk, you know.. running around the paddock in the nude and hitting each other with sticks. And then we thought hell, why not hire a goat?" Have you spotted some weird ads somewhere? Well just keep 'em to yourself - you don't want everybody thinking you're a weirdo. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - One the best times we had in the USA was watching a really *really* bad cop show. It's been on in Australia, and I hope to see it again, it was such a laugh. The show is none other than "Walker, Texas Ranger". Maybe I've been spoiled with good cop shows (such as Phoenix and The Bill) but this show appeared to fulfil just about every cop show cliche ever. Chuck Norris plays Walker. He drives around in his pick-up truck taking on armed crims single-handed, not even calling for backup when he gets into a car chase. Rather than end in a crash like most real car chases do, the crims conveniently drive into a paddock and make a run for it. During a quick gun fight (in which none of the baddies bullets are able to penetrate the car door) Walker shoots one of them in the foot so he can be interrogated on the spot. I don't remember the names of other major characters in this episode, but there was the evil politician who is determined to close down the Texas Rangers - until of course his daughter is kidnapped and they rescue her. There's the beautiful attorney who represents the Rangers and is probably shagging half of them between episodes. And there's Walker's partner, though they seem to spend very little time together. So while the bumbling uniformed cops mess everything up, Walker, who has naturally been ordered off the case, ends up finding the crims, and using his ESP powers manages to find where the politician's daughter is hidden! I'm definitely going to watch this show again when I need a good laugh. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New at the TCWF Web site - relive those heady days of 1991 as you look through the Fascist Fuckwit Federation flamefest from aus.jokes ! (See the What They Said page). Also catch the illustrated version of this issue, and more at http://tcwf.rucc.net.au For those with FTP access, back issues are at ftp://ftp.funet.fi/pub/doc/humour/ToxicCustard If you've received this TCWF from a friend and would like to subscribe, just fire off a quick mail to tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu with the subject "Gimme TCWF!" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be distributed complete without a charge provided no modifications are made. Excerpts by permission please. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia--Land of.. umm.. err.. The land right here Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au-------> Computer Power Education, Advance R&D Project Play: dbowen@rucc.net.au / dbowen@gnu.ai.mit.edu----TCWF: tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu -----------------The views expressed above are whatsisname's----------------- ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ the Toxic Custard Workshop Files by Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia Copyright (c) 1996 Daniel Bowen. May be freely distributed unmodified and without a charge provided this notice remains intact. For subscription and back-issue information, contact tcwf@gnu.ai.mit.edu