**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 331 TO 335*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please email info@toxiccustard.com for information.*** "Planet Toxic Custard" ===***** **** * * **** http://www.toxiccustard.com =====* * * * * *** Number 331, 3rd Feb 1997 =====*OXIC ****USTARD *****ORKSHOP *ILES Written by Daniel Bowen RADIO CUSTARD is on the air! Head to http://www.toxiccustard.com to have (most of) this issue read to you in the comfort of your own chair. Ouch, my feet hurt! It's that new shoe feeling. After my work shoes self-destructed last week, I had to buy a new pair. The bloke in the shoe shop assured me that during the first few days they would stretch and bend to fit my feet, which I can only presume is what they've been doing today. Stretching, bending and rubbing against my feet, in fact. Youch. All I can say is that if these aren't the world's most comfortable shoes in a few days, someone is going to pay. This wasn't helped by a half hour wander around Springvale this afternoon looking for a taxi. In most Melbourne suburbs, you can find the taxi rank right next to the railway station. Perfectly logical, I would have thought. Whoever designed Springvale, however, decided against this. Which means you have to go over the tracks, across a road, across (or under) another road, and only then do you find... a sign pointing down Balmoral Avenue to a taxi rank which isn't there. It's a real work of genius. I should have remembered it from the last time I was in Springvale, doing precisely the same thing. If you ever need to get a cab in Springvale, don't bother looking - just call one. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Sometimes I see quite the oddest things, but forget to tell anybody about them. Last Friday week, for example, in the middle of the morning rush hour, my tram passed a guy from Triple M radio doing a publicity stunt. At least, I presume it was a publicity stunt - either that or he was doing an experiment to see how many people crash their cars when they see a guy standing on top of a four wheel drive in his underwear. It's probably the kind of thing that only disc-jockeys, with their permanent cheerfulness and embarrassment by-pass, can do. Certainly by waving and saying "good morning" through his PA to all the people on the tram he seemed like he was the type of person who is ever so slightly insane and enjoys that kind of thing, or is earning a ridiculously large sum of money for doing so. Lucky for him it was a warm day. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Australia is often known for being at the forefront of medical research, at least that's what they keep telling us. But away from the well publicised research of Monash's IVF program, Flinders' leukemia research and of course Dubbo University's amazing sheep-dip discoveries, the little known Faculty Of Medical Stuff at Custard University have, quietly, been achieving breakthroughs of their own. One such breakthrough is last week's announcement of the discovery of a condition that can effect parents throughout the western world. In different countries and parts of the world, it now has many names, but in Australia, it is known as Wiggles Syndrome. It begins when parents find music on CD or video that their child likes so much that it gets played every day, day in, day out. The symptoms are obvious to anyone: the parents involved will, slowly, begin to mumble the words to the songs in totally inappropriate places. Shopping, at work, in the pub, during sex - it can strike anywhere, anytime. Perhaps the next, more dangerous stage is when words from these songs start appearing in the middle of sentences spoken or typed by Hands in the air, Rockabye your bear, Bear's now asleep, Shh shh shh. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I've been on a bit of a video game nostalgia trip recently, having discovered the joys of video game console emulators. It's great, you get to play all the games of your youth without having to find the old hardware to run them on. It's like the computer equivalent to watching old Countdown repeats on Rage. By far my favourite is the platform games. The technology may have improved over the years, but let me tell you this: I do prefer Jumpman Jr to Donkey Kong Country any day. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ Frank in California wrote: ?sdrawkcab ailartsuA ni gnihtyreve sI .oN "In memory of Mighty" in Queensland wrote: Do you really get all the seasons in one day in Melbourne? What's the weather like down there anyway? Does it snow? No no no, it's just a myth that we in Melbourne get all the seasons in one day. We actually get all the seasons in about an hour. On the occasions that it snows in Melbourne (which are but once in a blue moon), the flakes of snow, if you could call then fully fledged flakes, have generally melted before that hit the ground, which means they don't really hit the ground, they just kind of drip. So in summary - no. To ask your question about Australia, reply to this message, or send mail to feedback@toxiccustard.com or visit the Web page, http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard's Web site really deserves a visit from YOU. I haven't received a single complaint about the new site map yet! Not impressed. http://www.toxiccustard.com I'll make no bones about it, I promised I'd give a blatant plug to The Comedy Zone! Visit it today at http://interoz.com/usr/wthyde/ You could WIN $10,000,000!!!(*) For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (*) By entering a lottery somewhere and winning it. In the event of you actually winning this money, it will not actually have anything to do with visiting The Comedy Zone. -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia --> Home of Toxic Custard ---------------- Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au ---> Advance Training Technology Pty Ltd ------------ Play: dbowen@toxiccustard.com / TCWF: info@toxiccustard.com ----------------- Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Busy Toxic Custard" =-:::::-::::=:=-=:=::::-=-=-=-Toxic-Custard-Workshop=Files=-=-=-=-=-= -=-=:=-:-=-=-:-=-:-:-=-=-=-=-=http://www.toxiccustard.com=-=-=-=-=-=- =-=-:-=:=-=-=:=:=:=:::=-=-=-=-Number=332,-10th=February-1997=-=-=-=-= -=-=:=-=::::-=:=:=-:-=-=-=-=-=Written=by-Daniel=Bowen=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- RADIO CUSTARD is on the air! Head to http://www.toxiccustard.com/radio to listen to (most of) this issue instead of reading it, and to discover if I can count. This issue will be a little short. It's been a busy week. But as a slight compensation, the Toxic Custard Web site is now searchable. See how many times in the past six years we've used your favourite swear word! Or see what Toxic Custard has said about a particular topic. "Toxic Custard: The Search For Stuff" is waiting for you at http://www.toxiccustard.com and is powered by the very groovy Excite For Web Servers. I think like these Excite people... they gave Toxic Custard a "must see" rating, their search engine is free, and they sent me a t-shirt! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The flies are really starting to get to me. It seems like every time I'm out, they're swarming around me. I'm really starting to want a can of that "Die You Filthy Little Insect Bastards" fly spray in the Life Of Brian book. So in order to fight back against the little bleeders, the family has obtained a can of Aeroguard. But there's a problem with this: In the several weeks we've had the can, we have not once remembered to spray before we leave the house. The flies know this, and don't bother us until we're such a distance away that we can't be bothered going back for it. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - In the past few weeks the mercury's crept up over 40 several times (that's Celsius for you people in countries that haven't got around to joining the Metric party yet) and quite frankly, it's not a good thing. In fact, anything above 35 is not a good thing. So in an effort to provide a little relief from the heat, here's Toxic Custard's list of A FEW THINGS TO DO DURING SUMMER * Go to the Concert Hall (nice air-conditioning), hang around in the foyer during the opera drinking overpriced beers and shouting "Tosca's a wanker!" * Head for the shopping centres and wind up the shop assistants by trying on everything and buying nothing. (Hey, people used to do it to me...) * Take your fake shark fin to the swimming pool. * Live in Dairy Bell. * Equip yourself with a daily ticket and a good book and find a nice air-conditioned tram for the day (the artics are nice). * Go into McDonalds and order $50 worth of those tiny soft serve cones. When the staff can't work out how you're going to carry them all, just say "that's okay, I'll eat them here at the counter." * Ask if you can lie in the supermarket freezer for a few hours. * Take your local church up on your preferred option of that "Rest... think... pray" sign they have up outside. Ask if you're allowed to bring some friends for a game of Scrabble. * Tell your boss you're going to work in the basement car-park - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 5/2/97 There's something on the news tonight - I mean apart from O.J. - about Liberal senator Bob Woods having a restraint order put on him by his lover after their affair broke up. Well, that's just great, isn't it. The Libs are turning into the British Conservative Party. Mark my words, by the end of next week, the headlines will be more like "MP found naked and dead in restraint!" 9/2/97 An update on the Pot Spot, the shop down the street that has been having a closing down sale for almost eight months now. The sign "Closing February 6th" has been updated to: "Closing February." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That's all for this week, but Toxic Custard's Web site is a great place to waste some more of your time. http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au ---> Advance Training Technology Pty Ltd ------------ Play: dbowen@toxiccustard.com / TCWF: info@toxiccustard.com ----------------- Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "A Dog of a Toxic Custard" TTTTT CCCC W W FFFF Toxic Custard Workshop Files T C W W F 333 - Half the number of the beast T C W W W FFF 17th February 1997 Written by Daniel Bowen T CCCC WWWWW F http://www.toxiccustard.com RADIO CUSTARD is on the air! Tune to http://www.toxiccustard.com/radio to listen to 219 seconds of this issue instead of reading it. Very handy if you're blind. A friend was whingeing to me last week about having a dog. I told her I have no sympathy. With a human child, you can't just leave him locked up in the house all day with some food. At least, not if you don't want the Child Protection people after you. Dogs don't grow two sizes of shoes and clothing a year. And most children require a little more interaction than a short walk every evening. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Friday was Valentine's Day, or VD for short, as someone at work suggested. Perhaps not. He also asked "did you score yet?" I told him it was only 9am, what's the rush, but then he assured me he meant presents. We swapped notes on what we'd given to and received from our loved ones. I remembered to get the card and present. Hopefully other blokes everywhere did. It's too late now; if you forgot, your life expectancy has probably dropped remarkably over the weekend. If per chance you happen to make it till next year, then take some tips from me. Don't get plastic flowers. And no, the poppy from Remembrance Day is not sufficient. I also thought of a good practical joke to play, that is if your better half is in the right frame of mind. Midway through the day, ring him or her up and say "Wow! Thanks for the incredible balloons and flowers!" Presuming they didn't send balloons and flowers to you, they'll say something like "What balloons and flowers?!?" "Just kidding!" - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The signs at the Pot Spot during the week were: "Last day Saturday", "All stock must go". But the notice that leads one to believe that finally after eight months the Pot Spot's closing sale might actually be coming to an end, is the planning application in the window for a printing shop. Maybe things really were going to wind up on Saturday. Sure enough on Saturday, they were open, with just a few pots and so on remaining in a small part of the shop. There didn't appear to be any actual genuine customers in attendance when I passed by, so either people were well stocked up on their pots already, or they doubted the truth of the statement that "All stock must go". By Sunday afternoon there was no sign of activity, but it seemed like Saturday's efforts to clear out all the stock hadn't resulted in a single pot, statuette or other garden accessory being sold. More news as it comes to hand... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The word is out - I've got a new job lined up. Not that I've been looking, but these things have a habit of finding me. Alas, my current employers were unable to offer me the promise of any work after March, and when a three month contract at Coles/Myer popped up, well, who could resist. Especially with the chance of working with some groovy new technology, learning new things, and meeting new challenges. Not to mention the dosh. This being the contracting world where an intricate web of little companies works for slightly bigger companies employed by bigger still companies, just about everybody has a company. For this new job I have finally taken the plunge of forming a company myself rather than working through someone else's. It appears to me to be a bit of legal mumbo jumbo to make the big company's lives easier when it comes to hiring contractors. And for me, it's just a bit of fiddling around with paperwork. But my workmates (who of course also all have companies) have claimed how easy it is, and even recommended accountants. And yes, it has been very easy so far. In fact, the hardest part was thinking of a company name. After much debating and humming and hahing about serious names that people would look up to and think "hey, now there's a mob we can do business with" and all those other power-shoulder-pad type concepts, I elected for "Custard Communications". So, last week, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, ACN 077 351 707, was born. The accountant (yes, gasp, I actually now have an accountant, what an uncool sell out heavy vibe merchant I am) balked slightly at the name. Strange thing was, when I went to open the bank account, the lady at the bank didn't bat an eyelid. Maybe her previous customer wanted an account in the name of The Very Big Dong Of My Brother Frank And Company Pty Ltd or something equally doubtful. You just don't know. This weekend I even started work on cooking err, sorry, that is *keeping* the books. Suddenly my brain let loose with all that high school accounting that it's been storing away somewhere at the back of my mind for the day it would come in useful. Amazing. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ Claire wrote: How long does it take to fly from Los Angeles CA to Sydney? Sydney and Los Angeles are an awfully long way away, so far in fact that most people do prefer to fly the journey, rather than do something really dumb, like try and swim it. The time taken varies according to the method of flight that you use. Some people have attempted to fly from LA to Sydney by hang-glider. Most of these have failed miserably, and the few that have made it have taken well over a year to do so, having been blown most of the way around the world by whatever sea winds they happened to encounter along the way. It's also very, very awkward to go to the toilet on the way. A few foolish souls have attempted to make the trip using a large catapult. This too, has invariably led to failure, drowning, or both. The easiest and most often successful way is to fly by commercial jet. It takes about 16 hours, depending on the number of stops along the way. To ask your question about Australia, reply to this message, or send mail to feedback@toxiccustard.com or visit the Web page, http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard's Web site is waiting impatiently for a visit from YOU. If you fondly remember our parody of Doctor Who or the wondrous Toxic Custarpedia, then relive it now at http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au -> Advance Training Technology ----(but not for long) Play: dbowen@toxiccustard.com / TCWF: info@toxiccustard.com ----------------- Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Terra-cotta Toxic Custard" TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES http://www.toxiccustard.com Number 334, 23rd February 1997 TOXIC CUSTARD PRESENTS POT SPOT WATCH "Yes, we are back!" "Lease ends 9th of March!" "3 Saturdays and Sundays left!" These, and even an after-hours phone number (for Terra-cotta Emergencies) adorned the windows of the Pot Spot last week. But will everything wind up on the 9th of March? I don't know. After almost a year of closing down sales, I'm just not sure I believe them anymore. During the week I was reminded that The Pot Spot's real name isn't actually The Pot Spot. The full name is the Terra-cotta Pot Spot, though this has long been painted off the front, presumably in preparation for their closing down, which was originally going to be around July last year. Stay tuned to the Toxic Custard Web site for the latest on the Pot Spot situation. http://www.toxiccustard.com - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Power The 40+ degree heat continued last week... And last Wednesday night we lost power for the first time in ages. Just us, a neighbour, and half the street. Probably someone somewhere decided to turn on one air-conditioner too many. All the lights, everything went off at 9:45 - in the middle of Ruby Wax, very annoying. So after much fiddling with fuses and meters and making sure it wasn't our fault we rang up the electricity company and enjoyed their hold music for a few dozen minutes. They got it fixed long after bedtime. Of course, I had turned everything off, and forgotten I had the mains switch turned off too, so when I got up in the morning, I thought for a few seconds it still hadn't been fixed. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - With the number of supermarket trolleys left around the streets, you could be forgiven for occasionally wishing that the council would stand by that bylaw of theirs and actually fine someone for it. But maybe there's a better way. Imagine automated shopping trolleys. After midnight when the streets are quiet, someone at the supermarket presses a button, and magically, the trolleys begin to move. They detect one another, join, and together in bunches roll through the streets back to home base. It would have to be late at night, otherwise they could be quite a hazard. Imagine waiting on a street corner, when you hear a distant rumbling - and two dozen linked shopping trolleys come rolling down the road... you try to get out of the way, but can't and end up carried against your will to the supermarket. They would also have to have some way of knowing the trolley was finished with. Imagine you're busy packing your groceries into the car when the trolley runs away with your ten tonnes of dog food in it! - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ Mark Vanderbilt wrote: The 10 January '97 issue of SCIENCE is reporting that the Australian government is using biological warfare in the form of a virus intentionally spread across the continent to eliminate a "current scourge of 300 million rabbits..." Would you say that you are experiencing a rabbit "scourge"? Rabbit gangs taking over neighbourhood, beating up kangaroos, stealing koalas' lunch money...? Is Australia covered with rabbits as far as the eye can see? Rabbits were introduced into Australia in 1861 by one Thomas Austin. They have bred like... well, like rabbits and are now a major pest for farmers. Nowadays the name of Thomas Austin is for the most part forgotten, but I suspect most people who've heard of him regularly proclaim him to be a bit of a dickhead. If there's really 300 million rabbits, that's more than 15 for each man, woman and child in Australia. Which, quite frankly, is a bit worrying. We're severely outnumbered. Suddenly I feel like I'm being watched... Judging from the trouble Australia has gone to in the last few decades to wipe out the little bunny-wunny-kins with nasty-wasty viruses, the presence of rabbits must be at the very least a little inconvenient. Myxomatosis was especially developed in Australia specifically to knock off rabbits. The woman who thought it all up is buried in Beechworth, Vic, I saw her grave once. It's got a statue of a dead rabbit on it. Nah, just kidding. Apparently the rabbits bounced back though, because they've become resistant to myxomatosis. Scientists have now developed a virus that almost nobody knows how to spell, but it's pronounced something like Caleesi. I wouldn't say this one has been "intentionally spread" because it actually escaped from quarantine by accident a year or two back. So far it seems to be doing the job. There's also a battle being fought on the chocolate front. The bilby, a small local Australian rabbit-like creature is starting to replace the chocolate bunnies that kids have traditionally scoffed down at Easter. Antony wrote a question not about Australia as such, but it seemed like it deserved an answer: Do you think you're lowering the world's opinion of Australians with your inanities? Probably. To catch up on Australian culture, check the question and answer archive at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard's Web site is on an HTTP server that is just dying to take a request from your Web browser. There's back-issues, features, wall- paper and loads of other junk. http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- Work: dbowen@cpe.com.au -> Advance Training Technology ----(but not for long) Play: dbowen@toxiccustard.com / TCWF: info@toxiccustard.com ----------------- Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Chocolate Powered Toxic Custard" TOXIC CUSTARD http://www.toxiccustard.com WORKSHOP FILES Powered by Written by Daniel Bowen Number 335 chocolate 3rd March 1997 --------------------------------------------------------------------- Diary - Thursday 27th February The promotional people are playing games with me. This morning, the second last morning I'll be going to work via South Yarra station, there they were again, with freebie passion fruit yoghurt. It's as if they're trying to entice me to stay... "look... free yoghurt... tomorrow it might be free shampoo!..." Sorry, it won't work. My new contract is signed and sealed. So tomorrow it will be goodbye to the park with its randomly placed sprinklers. Goodbye to avoiding those little old ladies walking on Toorak Road who somehow seem to occupy the entire pavement by themselves. Goodbye to overtaking people in their BMWs stuck in the Toorak Road peak hour traffic. Goodbye to meeting my neighbour on the train and comparing corporate computing horror stories. And goodbye to my St Kilda Road view, just in time to avoid the inordinate amount of noise that accompanies the Grand Prix in Albert Park. Diary - Sunday 2nd March All quiet at the Pot Spot. If they're telling the truth this time, next weekend is the last they'll be open. I spent yesterday being followed around by the Whitman's Blimp. It's been following me for months actually, but on Saturday it made itself particularly conspicuous. In fact, Isaac's at the word learning stage, and we saw the blimp so much that "blimp" ended up being his favourite word of the weekend. We were just arriving in Richmond to visit my sister when we noticed it, heading north with us. When we got to my sister's place we could see it from the window. It was hovering over the MCG, probably supposedly to check out the preparations for the Three Tenors concert on Saturday night. But as we walked up to Bridge Road for another fabulous souvlaki at Zorba's, it followed. Before I forget, I should mention the variety of semi-famous people we've spotted over the past few weeks. In Richmond I spotted John Button, former senator and Minister for something or other. We were walking past each other in Lennox Street. I looked at him trying to work out if it was him, and he gave a glimmer of a smile back - one that said "yeah, you think you know who I am... and you're right." A couple of weeks ago we spotted Paul Hester, drummer with the (ex)-band Crowded House, at the St Kilda festival. The next day I spotted Josephine Byrnes, best known (at least, I remember her best) for "Brides Of Christ", jabbering into a mobile phone on Toorak Road. Today doesn't really count, 'cos we didn't see them purely by chance, but John and Angela from "Play School" were at the Glen Eira Festival today doing a short concert. Isaac loved it. John's innuendo shot way over the kids heads, but kept the adults amused. Anyway, after Zorba's, we walked back down the hill, and the blimp followed us back. We popped back to my sister's place for a while, and it again hovered over the 'G. When we left to head back to the station, it was going the same way. We last spotted it from the train, heading south, as we were. Weird. I'm beginning to think it's targeted advertising. Whitman's know I love chocolate, so they're going all out. They got their best, most pig-tailed advertising gurus together a few months ago in a meeting... "Now look, I think we should target Daniel. He eats a lot of chocolate, it's a growing, untapped market with big potential, and at the moment Cadbury's have it all sewn up." "Mate, you're right. I think we need strong action now. I think we need to implant the name of Whitman's in his mind so next time he's off to the supermarket for chocolate to eat while he writes that TCWF thing of his, he automatically buys Whitman's." "So that's it. We know what we need to do. Send the blimp." Diary - Monday 3rd March Have you ever noticed how in the supermarket the check-out chicks/ blokes sometimes have to ask the customer what a fruit is so they can enter the code? Okay, to be fair, I don't know what half the stuff is, especially those really bizarre fruits like the star shaped ones and the small round hairy ones... but then, it's not my job to know. Ask me a computer question instead. They could always put barcode stickers on the fruit, but that would be expensive and potentially very annoying to customers, particularly when they remember the sticker after they've eaten the fruit. I've had a better idea. Uh oh, you're thinking, is this something impractical like last week's idea of intelligent shopping trolleys? No, I think it might be possible. Genetics has come a long way... what if they genetically alter fruit to include barcodes? Then all the check-out chick would have to do is pass it over the scanner like everything else. You may be wondering why all this talk of supermarkets. Well, I started my new job today. Working at Coles/Myer on a project related to Point Of Sale terminals. Nuff said? - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ Bill wrote: Do you have Spam in Australia, and if you do, does anyone eat it? Yes, we do have Spam in Australia. We have both the electronic kind and the edible (at least, in theory) kind. Electronic spam, the spread of unsolicited junk email, is by far the more annoying type of spam. I find it really irritating that I get continual offers of goods and services I'm not interested in, quoted in prices in other currencies and with phone numbers that I can't phone. (It is very difficult to dial a United States 1-800 number from outside the United States.) Most email spam mailing lists come from robots picking up addresses off Usenet news postings, and I've seen a clever method for combating it involving adding some random characters to your email address when you post, and explaining to all the humans reading that if they want to email you, the real address is xxx... The edible (at least, in theory) type of Spam is reasonably plentiful in Australia. You can always see it on the supermarket shelves, and presumably that's not because nobody buys it. They also advertise - this morning I saw an ad extolling the virtues of a Spamburger. I haven't yet decided whether this would be a good thing or not. I've had Spam from time to time, and perhaps surprisingly I actually almost like it. Fried Spam with mashed potato... very nice. I hasten to add, however, that anybody who attempts or suggests that Spam can be eaten raw is plainly either insane, criminal, crazy, or both. Raw Spam would have to be one of the most revolting things imaginable. It looks like dog food, and I rather suspect it tastes like it too. To catch up on Australian culture, check the question and answer archive at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Toxic Custard's Web site ready and waiting for you to visit. http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- Work: Contracting for Coles/Myer Pty Ltd at Tooronga ------------------------ Play: dbowen@toxiccustard.com / TCWF: info@toxiccustard.com ----------------- Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is Copyright (c) 1996, 1997 Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. For subscription and back-issue information, send email to info@toxiccustard.com