**************************************************************************** ### # # ### ##### ## # # # ## ## # # ### ##### ## ### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### # # # # # # # # # ## # #### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### # ## # # # ## ## ## ### # # # # # ### ____________________________________________________________________________ # # ### #### # # #### # # ### #### ##### # # ##### #### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # #### ### ### ##### # # #### ##### # # ##### ### # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # ### ### # # # # #### # # ### # # # ##### ##### #### *******NUMBERS 341 TO 345*****************************BY DANIEL BOWEN******* *****Please note, some of the quoted addresses within this file may no***** ***longer be correct. Please email info@toxiccustard.com for information.*** "Skint Toxic Custard" TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES http://www.toxiccustard.com Number 341, 14th April 1997.-----------------.Written by Daniel Bowen ---------------------------' `----------------------- Daniel Bowen wishes to announce the establishment of his own religious order: The Order Of The Skint. It's based around the miracles of Bowen Nurk Power(tm), and the philosophy that it's better to have no worldly possessions (in particular money) to tie you to this world. Bowen Nurk Power(tm) provides Daniel (who will be hereafter known as "The Swami") with mystical powers that make him capable of spending your money faster than any other religious order. It does not involve suicide. No, really. Honest. It does not involve leaving your family to go and live in some commune somewhere. It does not involve wearing uniforms, eating or drinking dubious foods, looking out for UFOs to take you to the next level of existence, or anything like that. You can even keep your testicles, if you have any. No, all you have to do to join The Order Of The Skint is to send The Swami all your money. It's as simple as that. More information on this soon, so watch this space, and have your credit card details ready. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Tue 8/4/97 Late last night I got an e-mail from a friend I hadn't seen in a while, Lucien. It said to ring him urgently, about Charles, another friend I haven't seen in a while. You can tell it's going to be bad news when you get a message like that. And it was. Charles died suddenly last Friday. The service is on Thursday. I'll go... he came to my wedding, it's the least I can do to go to his funeral. DIARY - Thu 10/4/97 Charles' funeral was today. Seeing the coffin descending with the Kangaroos scarves on top was quite moving really. It really was quite a shock hearing about his death. Apparently it was an accidental drug overdose. Such a shame, sounds like things were really looking up for him. It was good to see a whole bunch of old school mates again. Not exactly the ideal circumstances though. We all agreed we'd have to get together again before someone else dies. Hopefully that won't be for at least a few decades. DIARY - Fri 11/4/97 Quite amazing. Here we are, at the end of our sixth week, and we have finally got phones. They even work! Relatively clean and newish, too. But, what, I hear you ask, about the PCs? Last week we were promised them by the end of this week. Now they're saying Monday. But they're now also debating about what software is going to be on them. Is this ludicrous? Yes. Is it a joke? I hope so. To hire half a dozen people to come in and do a job, then to piss around for (at least) six weeks before you give them the tools to do it... what can I say, I'm flabbergasted. DIARY - Mon 14/4/97 Start of week seven. As of 3pm, no PCs. At this point, most of us gave up for the day and went home to continue surfing oops err *technology investigation* on our own PCs. (Maybe we can charge the client for electricity?) We've decided to compare our situation to those onboard a ship. The iceberg was dead ahead, but the steering committee couldn't seem to make the obvious decision to avoid hitting it. Once we'd hit it, the ship started going down. There's plenty of lifeboats on the ship, but the Captain tells us there's at least a six week delay before we can have them. And even now, the crew are still arguing about whether or not the lifeboats that only contain passengers but don't hold any crew, should have oars in them. On to other matters... It's hard to believe that this Friday will be my fifth wedding anniversary. The cynics amongst you will be thinking that what's even more unbelievable is that I, a fully fledged bloke, know the significance of the date without having to be reminded on the day with the threat of physical violence. Ah well, perhaps that's what gives me the edge. I always remember when the anniversary is, even if I'm hopeless at getting Lori a suitable gift. The fifth anniversary, according to custom, is "wood". Theoretically, I should get something that's wooden, though in past years we haven't really stuck to this rule. I don't actually recall what we got each other for our third ("leather"!), but I do remember it wasn't anything involving B&D gear. (And no, I don't mean Black And Decker.) So I'd better take a some long lunches this week to find just the right present. I've got a few ideas worked out, but a public forum like this (one that Lori reads, too!) is hardly the ideal place to reveal anything of this nature. For more of Daniel's diary as it happens, check out http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ newski writes: How does the fire turn along such a jurney? Pardon? This is not the only question that this column has been asked that makes no sense whatsoever. If you're planning on asking anything this unintelligible, do me a favour, and don't. If on the other hand you have a question about Australia that is interesting, wittily worded and has numerous humour opportunities provided for the answer, then don't hesitate, visit the Web site listed! Ian from Scotland writes: Why is the product that is generically known elsewhere in the world as clingfilm called 'gladwrap' in Australia. Does this refer to some other function that it is widely used for but no-one discusses ? When I was in high school, my science teacher once told us a tall tale about someone who had deduced that Glad Wrap and a rubber band would make a pretty good method of birth control. He was right of course - any woman seeing that would say "you must be joking" and there'd be no risk whatsoever of transmitting anything. Other than this dubious usage and its use in keeping food fresh, I'm not aware of any other strange uses of Glad Wrap, although it has to be said that I lead a fairly sheltered life. Glad Wrap is a brand name, and in Australia has attained the status of being the brand name by which many people refer to the product. A bit like Hoover (to vacuum). Sometimes confusion can happen because of the varying uses of product names in different countries. For instance Durex (in Australia, adhesive tape; in England, condoms) and Four X (in Australia, beer; in the USA, so I'm led to believe, condoms) could both cause quite hideous and/or embarrassing accidents if someone opened the packet and made use of the product before double checking first that they had got the right thing. To catch up on Australian culture, check the question and answer archive at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Have you visited the Toxic Custard web site recently? Recent additions include the world's silliest disclaimer and Custard Television - everything you've never wanted to know about TV. So head on over to http://www.toxiccustard.com and start wasting time now! For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" and/or "remove" as appropriate. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- Email: dbowen@toxiccustard.com ------ TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Historic Toxic Custard" ***** ***** * * ***** Number 342, 20/4/97 * * * * * **** Written by Daniel Bowen *OXIC *****USTARD *****ORKSHOP *ILES http://www.toxiccustard.com --------------------------------------------------------------------- Diary - Wed 16/4/97 Just to recap on the PCs at work situation: Two weeks ago, we were told we'd have PCs last week. At the start of last week, we were told we'd have PCs at the end of last week. At the end of last week, we were told Monday. It's now Wednesday, with no sign of the PCs. We have now been waiting for them for a month and a half. It might be worth mentioning at this point that this contract goes for three months. Thankfully it's based on time and materials used, not deliverables completed. Presumably the relevant people in the organisation know this too, in which case I can only conclude that for them, money is not a problem. But after 6« weeks of waiting for the equipment we need to do our jobs, we're getting to the conclusion that not even a very special effort of incompetence could have achieved this outcome. We suspect that darker political forces are at work here. But surely soon someone has to realise that having six people being paid but unable to do their work is not such a great idea. Diary - Fri 18/4/97 Computers at work: Now quoted as "sometime next week". Yeah. Right. As for my fifth (wooden) wedding anniversary present, I got Lori three wooden photo frames. I mean, they were wood except the bits that are glass - if the bits that are glass were wood, you wouldn't be able to see the photo. Lori got me an extremely spiffy wooden pen. And tonight to celebrate, we're heading out to our first movie in about two years ("Kolya"). Why has it been so long? Because Isaac is almost two, that's why. I don't think I need to spell it out. I'm sure all the parents know exactly what I'm on about. Everyone else will discover when they have kids that this is the way of the world. But tonight after Isaac drops off to sleep, we'll head out and leave Aunty to hold the fort. Diary - Mon 21/4/97 Week 8: No PC news. Meanwhile, our PC at home is having its monitor fixed. Weird lines were starting to appear on it. Either aliens were trying to tell us about their invasion and colonisation plans or the monitor needed some attention. Suspecting the latter, we called the computer shop, rather than try and contact the UFO research people. They'd probably have thought we were strange. After some confusion involving a wrong phone number that changed two years ago, the computer guy came round, took our monitor away and gave us a loaner one. This is a problem. It's better than ours, even when ours works okay. So now we're hoping they lose all our details and forget whose monitor they're fixing. The newspaper a couple of days ago confirmed what I'd heard by email from Brisbane - the Whitman's Blimp is no longer following me. It's in Queensland, following someone else. (Either that or they're chasing that false lead I gave them.) This is the second week of school holidays. School holidays are a wonderful thing - they make the bus trip to work so much more bearable. And not just for me. Last Monday: Passenger, to bus driver: "How are ya?" Bus driver: "I am very happy this morning!" Passenger: "Oh, I wonder why!" Ah, it'll be a rude shock next week when the school kids are back. But in the mean time, it's relaxation and peace and quiet in double-seat city! For more of Daniel's diary as it happens, check out http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ Bret from Carleton (wherever that might be, let's presume USA) wrote: Here in North America, we just (as in last weekend) "sprung ahead" to Daylight Savings time, to give us more daylight in the evening. Logic tells me that if you were to also spring ahead in Australia, the reverse effect would happen, making it get darker earlier. How does this work? It goes like this. Australia (and the rest of the half of the world that's below the equator) has winter in the middle of the year, and summer at the end. This means we have such oddities as Christmas in summer and Easter in autumn. While this may seem a tad confusing to those of you in the northern hemisphere, rest assured for those of us who have always done it this way, it isn't. Obviously this means that Santa can't use a sleigh in Australia. Alternative arrangements are normally made. The bulk of Australia also has Daylight Savings, and we still "spring forward" and "fall back", though like most of the rest of the world, we rarely call autumn "fall". And of course "autumn back" doesn't make any sense so we don't generally use that phrase. So in conclusion: today is April 21st. It's autumn, and the days are getting shorter. A few weeks ago we finished summer time, and turned the clocks back. And hopefully Christmas this December will be a nice hot one and we can take the opportunity to crank up the barbie in the park and down a few stubbies. Since it's ANZAC Day this Friday it seems kinda timely to have a little history lesson and answer this question. If you're looking for laughs you might as well skip past this. A couple of months ago Bob Cook wrote: I just read that on this day (Feb 19) in 1942: About 150 Japanese warplanes attacked the Australian city of Darwin. Now I was aware Australian forces fought bravely in the Pacific during World War II, however as an arrogant American I was unaware Australia was physically attacked. Was this attack a one time incident or did the Japanese attack Australia repeatedly? I was born almost thirty years after this all happened, so I'll refer to my excellent source for many of these types of answers, "The Bulletin Almanac" (I probably should buy a new one, this one's five years old now)... The Japanese attack on Darwin on 19th Feb 1942 was the first enemy attack on Australian soil. 243 were killed. This was the first of sixty-four attacks on Darwin, the last on 12th November 1943. Other Japanese attacks on Australia included 3rd March 1942, when Broome and Wyndham in WA were attacked. And on 31st May 1942 three Japanese submarines entered Sydney Harbour. A torpedo exploded under a ferry and nineteen sailors were killed. The other sobering statistics listed in this book include: 993,000 Australians served in WW2. 27,073 died or were killed in action, 23,477 were wounded, 22,376 were Japanese POWs (8031 died), and 8184 were German POWs (265 died). To catch up on Australian culture, check the question and answer archive at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New this week on the Toxic Custard web site - a spiffy new title screen animation! Enjoy! http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" and/or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive email confirmation within 24 hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- Email: dbowen@toxiccustard.com ------ TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here Coming soon... your chance to join the Skint... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Hyperlinked Toxic Custard" TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES - Number 343, 28th April 1997 ---------- ---- http://www.toxiccustard.com --------- Written by Daniel Bowen -- This week's Toxic Custard is a little short. Like you will be when you join our cult, the Order Of The Skint. Yes, find out today how you can give all your money to the Swami. And discover YOUR PERSONAL FUTURE with the Order Of The Skint Horoscope! http://www.toxiccustard.com/order/ (Have your credit cards ready. All of them.) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - All the secrets of Toxic Custard, revealed in an exclusive interview for The Comedy Zone! Read it right now -- or else! http://interoz.com/usr/wthyde/IBTP.HTM - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Tue 22/4/97 - Form 1 lane It's rare that I like graffiti. Okay, so some of it is quite impressive, but most of it is completely illegible nonsense. So to spot something that is simple, clever, and thought provoking makes a pleasant change. In Tooronga Road, Tooronga, just south of the station, there is a "FORM 1 LANE" sign. To the last word, someone has added a P to the front and a T to the back, to make "FORM 1 PLANET". DIARY - Thu 24/4/97 - The dawning of a new day 6am. As I write, the dawning of week eight, day four, approaches. Each dawning of a new day brings with it new ideas, new hopes, new miracles. The idea: that handing the task of getting our PCs at work from the guy who is currently responsible (who has attracted various nicknames including "IN-Action Man", "The Invisible Man", and of course that well worn Frontline term "Soft cock"; and who has taken the week off sick) to another department who are not quite so happy that we're not getting our jobs done. The hope: that their declaration yesterday that we would get PCs today actually holds water. The miracle: I'll let you know of the outcome tonight. 7pm. Bzzzt. Maybe Monday (tomorrow is ANZAC Day). And that's the end of week eight. DIARY - Sun 27/4/97 - Need your eyes tested? Well it's official: I'm a bit colour-blind. So now I have an excuse for all those hideous combinations of clothing I turn up to work in. And for putting such garish colours onto the Web pages I build. It was my sister who suggested I go to get my eyes checked. A good idea, since my right eye has been almost blind from birth; I need to keep an eye (ha!) on my left. I did well on most of the test, except for those weird patterns of splodges that are meant to have numbers. I only got the first one! So either I'm a bit colour-blind or the doctor was playing a practical joke... DIARY - Mon 28/4/97 - Work week number nine, number nine Nobody seems to know what happened to the allegedly expected delivery of the alleged PCs on Thursday. They're also trying to decide whether or not to extend our contracts beyond May. Although we haven't been exactly productive so far, were they to actually put PCs on our desks, we'd be able to have a crack at building the system they hired us to build. But it seems they've had second thoughts on whether or not they want it, and are now unable to decide. Not that it's worrying me now. The money's in. As long as they cough up for all the hours they're making us wait for those PCs, I'm happy. For more of Daniel's diary as it happens, check out http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New this week on the Toxic Custard web site - The Order Of The Skint. We already told you that - haven't you been paying attention? http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" and/or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive email confirmation within 24 hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- Email: dbowen@toxiccustard.com ------ TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Time wasting Toxic Custard" ===== TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES ===== Waste your time here! ===== ===== Number 344, 5/5/97 =============== http://www.toxiccustard.com ===== Written by Daniel Bowen ====================================== Sign our web site guest book and join the Toxic Custard Official List of Timewasters! http://www.toxiccustard.com/guestbook/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - DIARY - Wed 30/4/97 - In the neighbourhood I'm in a hurry, so here's just a few snippets of neighbourhood news... * Tonight we lost an hour of power, again. The electricity company didn't tell us why, and you can bet they won't give us a refund! While the power was out we took the opportunity to run down to the supermarket and get a new torch battery and some candles. (Why is it you never think of those things until you need them?) * Speaking of electricity, a possum has fallen foul of it on a wire just outside our house. It's now hanging dead from the pole, and what a lovely sight it makes, too. * Our street got new lines painted on it. Wow. That's our taxes at work. Impressive, huh? DIARY - Fri 2/5/97 - So much for this contract! Well, over the last forty-eight hours a few things have come apparent about my current job. It's doomed. How do I deduce this? By looking at the evidence to hand: * We went into the organisation in March to work on a project for them * It's now May and we still don't have computers and other essential tools to do the job * The individuals who got us into the organisation are now busy on other things, and have handed over responsibility of the project to the relevant two departments in the organisation * These two departments have this week made it abundantly clear that they don't want to work with us. They believe they can do it themselves I've worked in other organisations where there's been objections to contractors, but never quite on this scale! They couldn't have done a better job at bogging down our efforts if they'd built a moat around the organisation's corporate headquarters, filled it with huge hungry alligators, daubed the walls with fluorescent paint saying "Contractors keep out" and nailed someone's head to the front door. The contracts themselves go until mid-May, and perhaps surprisingly it looks like they'll actually cough-up the cash. As for me, it's time to dust off the resume and go job hunting! For more of Daniel's diary as it happens, check out http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ (On the web site these answers have appropriate links to more information) Martin Vanderbilt in Arizona wrote: Which side of the street do Australians drive on? (or at least, which side are you *supposed* to drive on) In Australia, left is right and right is wrong. That is to say, the normal convention in Australia is for people to drive on the left hand side of the road, except occasionally in the circumstances of extreme intoxication, when it is more common to drive all over the road. This can cause a little confusion to some visitors. For instance, imagine a car with a dog in the passenger seat. My wife is American and when she first saw such a thing in Australia, her immediate thought was "Omigod, a dog driving a car!" Last year we went to America. When we got back I noticed there was some video tape footage we filmed of me in Seattle, clearly looking the wrong way down the street before stepping off the curb. Ru, location unknown, wrote: Is there a racial problem in Australia? Yes, her name's Pauline. But seriously, there is a small but vocal minority (who will probably email complaints to me when they read this) who seem to be of the totally illogical opinion that castigating ethnic minorities is not only fun but for the good of the country. Perhaps what they need to be reminded is that in the past immigration has done nothing but good for Australia, as it has for many countries across the globe. A quick look into their own ethnic past would probably show that most of their ancestors immigrated recently too. Someone who didn't leave their name wrote: We are having a fund-raising party with an Australian theme. What fabulous (and free or cheap) ideas can you give us to make it really fun? Well, I don't know about making it really fun, but here's a few ideas to give it an Australian theme. - have a barbecue. For that authentic Australian suburban feel, cook snags (sausages) on it, put them in a slice of bread with some sauce (tomato ketchup) and/or bits of onion and charge a dollar each. Presto, instant Sausage Sizzle! - get in some Vegemite, spread it thinly on toast and dare people to taste it. - one word: beer. And some other words: Fosters, XXXX, Tooheys, VB, Coldies, maybe even some Bundy Rum... - run the "Crocodile Dundee" movies. And perhaps "Evil Angels"/"A Cry In The Dark", "Priscilla", that sort of thing. You could also try "Until The End Of The World" - and try and guess which of the minor characters is better known as "Flacco". (Note, Yahoo Serious does not qualify. We don't know who he was, we don't know where he went, we didn't really like his movies.) - make it a fancy dress party. Get people to dress like the Monty Python Bruces, or Paul Hogan, or life-savers. - get the Yothu Yindi and Midnight Oil pumping! To catch up on Australian culture, check the question and answer archive at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ New this week on the Toxic Custard web site - the guest book! Sign it today! http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" and/or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive email confirmation within 24 hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- Email: dbowen@toxiccustard.com ------ TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "Excuse of a Toxic Custard" ***** **** * * *** http://www.toxiccustard.com * * * * * * Number 345, 12th May 1997 * * * * * *** Written by Daniel Bowen *OXIC***USTARD*****ORKSHOP*ILES DIARY - Tue 6/5/97 - Today's excuse At work on Monday I was told to be in early Tuesday for an 8am meeting with - get this - a graphic designer. I told them no chance. There is absolutely no way you would ever see a graphic designer in at 8 in the morning. It's not natural. They are genetically incapable of being anywhere that early. So I got in early, partly because I try to be punctual, but mostly because I wanted to see if he'd turn up. At 8:10, the phone rang. It had to be him. We waited with bated breath to hear what today's excuse would be. "Stuck in traffic". He turned up at 8:30. DIARY - Wed 7/5/97 - Hunting and drinks The hunt for jobs continues. The fax/modem and phone haven't been as busy in ages. And of course it's a very good time to catch up with old friends and colleagues and see how they're doing, what they're up to, and most importantly, if they have any jobs! So last night we had drinkies with a few of the crowd from my old job. I and one or two others had to lay off the alcohol for queasiness and/or other reasons. Maybe it was just me feeling queasy, but I get the feeling the atmosphere of the pub somehow induces tipsy behaviour, even if you're not drinking. I'd swear that I almost fell off my stool a couple of times, and nearly knocked a straw out of a glass. DIARY - Thu 8/5/97 - Mission into enemy territory Yesterday I went on a mission deep inside enemy territory - and I'm not going back. It was a dangerous seek and retrieve mission into the unknown... into... the fabric shop. Most men don't even notice fabric shops when they're single. Once attached, most hang around the doorway waiting for their partner - or if they're really brave, follow their partner around, with a dazed bewildered look on their face. But I had a specific mission, a coveted prize to bring back: a metre of fusible webbing. I should point out right now that I had no idea what fusible webbing is. I was going down the street to the post office to pay some bills and my wife had requested it. I wouldn't have even been paying the bills at the post office but the marvellous new NetBank service that WhichBank has decided to offer the world costs business accounts $15 a month - so I'd rather do it the inconvenient way than let the bank have any more dosh. So first I went to pay my tax bill at the post office. I handed over the form and cheque and got back a receipt. Glancing down at the receipt, I noticed it had an extra zero on the amount... Should I say anything? Should I keep shtum? Oh bugger it, they'd only find out anyway, I may as well point it out. Afterwards, I could've easily forgotten about the mission. "Forgetting" is a long treasured art men have mastered whereby they "forget" about something if it's too difficult. But I didn't. I went into the fabric shop, my head held high. I boldly approached the counter and asked for the metre of fusible webbing, reading from the bit of paper I'd scribbled it on, holding it up so the shop assistant could see it and wouldn't get any delusions that I had any idea what I was talking about. "A metre of fusible webbing please". Despite the bit of paper I said it with force, determined not to get talked into anything else, not to be convinced that I needed a single other product. I'd just get the fusible webbing and go. Nothing would divert me from my cause. "What thickness?" Huh? "What thickness? Light, medium or heavy? And would you like black or white?" Oh bugger. Okay, well, this is where the phone companies should take note. Mobile phones may have a lot of uses, but quite frankly if they can't convince every man in the world to buy one for using in this precise situation, then they're just not trying. Because this, more than any other time, is when a man needs his phone. I had no idea what thickness. I didn't know what the stuff was or what it was used for, let alone whether black or white would be better. Tumours or no tumours from mobile phones, I was going to call home and find out. And so the answer came back from the Principal Webbing Authority. White, medium thickness. I paid my money, got the webbing, and then I was out of there quicker than... well, quicker than anything. On the way home I peeked in the bag. So now I know what fusible webbing looks like. Even if I still don't know what it's for. For more of Daniel's diary as it happens, check out http://www.toxiccustard.com/diary/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THE TOXIC CUSTARD GUIDE TO AUSTRALIA http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ David, somewhere in America, wrote: Crisps, Chips, Frys - I'm from America, so Chips come in a bag, and Frys in a box. My wife is from England so Crisps come in a bag and chips are in a box. SO, does Australia have Prawn flavored crisps or chips. And what is a chip buddy? In Australia they're all chips. But if you're getting confused, here's a quick guide to the use of the word "chip": * Potato Chips. Generally referred to as "a packet of chips", or by their brand name, "Samboys", etc. as in the phrase "I can't be bothered getting some proper lunch, I'll just have a packet of chips". Smiths are the only ones to seriously refer to them as "crisps", and it's probably a trademark and/or heritage thing. * Hot Chips. Also often referred to as "a bucket of chips" as in the phrase "hamburger and a bucket of chips thanks". Can usually be abbreviated to just "chips" when ordering because no shop in their right minds puts potato chips behind the counter so you'd have to ask for them. In a Fish And Chips Shop situation, these are often ordered as "minimum chips" when the amount of chips is determined by how much you want to pay and the minimum (say $1.50) is marked on the price board. Once I asked for $1.50 of chips and the man in the shop, obviously still trying to work out how to use the cash register, entered too many zeroes. He couldn't work out how to clear them off, and ended up putting a sale through for $15,000 worth of chips. * French Fries. Really just like Hot Chips but cut thinner. Even in places that sell what would technically be French Fries, you'd normally refer to them as chips, except in McDonald's and Hungry Jacks (aka Burger King), where it's just "fries". The only people that use the full name "French Fries" are the same people that order a "Filet'O'Fish" and pronounce it "fill-ay of fish". And yes, Australia does have flavoured potato chips. You can generally find all the usual flavours like chicken, salt and vinegar, barbecue, cheese and onion, beer and witchetty grub, etc. To catch up on Australian culture, check the question and answer archive at http://www.toxiccustard.com/australia/ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Reasonably new this week on the Toxic Custard web site - the guest book! Make sure the world knows that you waste your time with Toxic Custard! http://www.toxiccustard.com For subscription requests, changes, removals, etc, send mail to request@toxiccustard.com with the subject header "subscribe" and/or "remove" as appropriate. You should receive email confirmation within 24 hours. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -- Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. -- Daniel Bowen, Custard Communications Pty Ltd, Melbourne, Australia ---------- Email: dbowen@toxiccustard.com ------ TCWF information: info@toxiccustard.com Waste your time here---> http://www.toxiccustard.com <---Waste your time here ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Toxic Custard Workshop Files - http://www.toxiccustard.com - is Copyright (c) 1997 Daniel Bowen, Melbourne, Australia. Excerpts may be distributed without charge provided no modifications are made and this notice is appended. For subscription and back-issue information, send email to info@toxiccustard.com