|Guide To Convincing The Kids That Santa Exists...
Santa is always secretive and very quiet because he doesn't want to wake you when he's
crawling down the chimney. He has signed an exclusivity deal, and restricts his public
appearances strictly to shopping centres and staff barbecues.
Christmas Gift Giving Guide... Simply find the entry that most fits the person you're trying to give to, and read across to find what you should give. Please note that Toxic Custard will not be held liable for any injury or death, insult or cutting-off from inheritance that may occur as a result of taking this chart seriously.
Santa and the Police - the transcript... Reports of a man on the roof of number forty-seven Nicholas Street...
Santa - the Toxic Custard Interview... We looked up Claus in the phonebook, and we found... S. M. Claus of Cheltenham. We gave him a buzz and asked if he was Santa Claus, and he said "No! Bugger off, I'm just a distant cousin." But before he hung up in disgust, he did give us the right number.
Gift Receiving... Some presents are complete crud. Do people really expect you to keep forever all the junk they give you?
Have a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, and I hope
gives you any beige socks, stripy tank-tops or small wooden
fertility ornaments. (Unless you like that kind of stuff, of course.)
A Toxic Custard Christmas