Guide to convincing the kids that Santa exists
|Our experts have come up with the Guide To Convincing
The Kids That Santa Exists. It's a simple guide to
answering all the probing questions that kids usually ask
when they think you've been telling them a load of
Q. How come we never see Father Christmas/Santa Claus?
A. Santa is always secretive and very quiet because he doesn't want to wake you when he's crawling down the chimney. He has signed an exclusivity deal, and restricts his public appearances strictly to shopping centres and staff barbecues.
Q. We haven't got a chimney at our house. How will Santa get in?
A. His sleigh is equipped with a very high-tech teleportation system, with built-in Christmas Tree Recognition and Good Child Who Eats His/Her Vegetables detection. It can teleport him into houses that don't have chimneys.
Q. Doesn't Santa get very hot in that suit when he gets to Australia?
A. The suit is air-conditioned.
Q. How can Santa possibly deliver toys to everyone on the planet in one night?
A. Well, by using turbo-charged reindeer and making good use of timezones, he just manages it, but he's very tired by the time he gets home to the North Pole. The elves always give him a nice massage when he gets back.
Q. Won't our burglar alarm go off when a big fat man squeezes his way down our chimney into our house?
A. Santa has a special burglar alarm neutraliser, to avoid getting himself arrested and shot by the police.
Q. Wait a minute, this all seems far too unlikely to me. A big fat man in a red furry costume, who flies around on a sleigh pulled by a bunch of reindeer, delivering toys to everyone... I don't believe it!
A. Oh sod it, welcome to reality, kid.
A Toxic Custard Christmas