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Toxic Custard Workshop FilesA Toxic Custard Christmas


Santa and the Police - the transcript

 

Eight-five from Oscar Sierra, come in.

EIGHT-FIVE RECEIVING.

Reports of a man on the roof of number forty-seven Nicholas Street. Can you deal please?

RECEIVED OSCAR SIERRA. INVESTIGATING NOW.


Whatcha got there, Quinnan?

FOUND 'IM ON A ROOF, SARGE.

Okay, bung him in an interview room, Inspector Sideburn wants to talk to him.


WHAT WERE YOU DOING THERE?

I wasn't doin' nothing

OH YEAH? ON SOMEONE'S ROOF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

Honest. Look, I was...

AND HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THOSE REINDEER UP THERE?

I wasn't doing any harm

OH YEAH? DO YOU KNOW THAT ONE OF THOSE REINDEER DROPPED A "DEPOSIT" ON OUR SQUAD-CAR?

Well, you probably frightened him, with that siren and flashing lights.

THEN IT FELL THROUGH THE ROOF OF THAT FAMILY'S HOME.

Oh, I'm sorry.

YOU WILL BE PAL. THAT'S CRIMINAL DAMAGE. AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING THERE.

I was going down the chimney.

AH! BREAKING AND ENTERING!

No, it's not like that at all.

RIGHT. SO WHAT DID YOU INTEND TO DO DOWN THAT CHIMNEY?

I was going to go up to the kids' bedrooms.

ARE YOU SOME KIND OF PERVERT?

No, no. I'd go up to their beds, and...

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?

leave gifts in their stockings.

DO WHAT?

I leave gifts in their stockings.

YOU DISGUST ME. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR TYPE IN PRISON?

No, no. Gifts. Presents. Toys.

WHAT KIND OF WEIRDO ARE YOU?

I give things to people.

YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THIS CRAP? YOU'RE TELLING ME, YOU COME ALONG IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, WITH SOME REINDEER AND A SLED, LEAVE THEM ON THE ROOF WHILE YOU CASUALLY GO DOWN THE CHIMNEY. YOU MAKE YOUR WAY UP TO THE CHILDREN'S BEDROOM AND PUT GEAR IN THEIR STOCKINGS?

Yes Inspector.

YOU DON'T BELONG HERE.

Oh, thank you.

YOU BELONG IN THE BLOODY FUNNY-FARM. HEY... I DON'T SUPPOSE I COULD HAVE A NEW WALKIE-TALKIE?

Christmas Gift Giving Guide

Santa - The Interview


Toxic Custard Workshop Files A Toxic Custard Christmas