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A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices


Aardvark

Like an anteater, but harder to spell, the aardvark hangs around South American locations getting to know the local ant population, and attempting genocide on them. Well recognised for its long snout, with which it sucks up said unfortunate ants, the aardvark is best known for that bit in Tintin where it cleans up Captain Haddock's face. The Aardvark was originally named by Spanish Explorer Aaron Varkinos in 1533.


Abattoir

A location where carnivores like myself can go to see the full reality of the slaughter of defenceless little sheepies, piggies and other animals unfortunate enough to be farmed for their delicious rumps (and other bits). Yum. Actually, the dictionary that I'm ... err... copying from says "public slaughterhouse", but I wasn't aware that the general public were able to be slaughtered at these locations. This may require further investigation. Abattoirs originated in ancient Rome, when there was a shortage of edible meat, and a simultaneous overflow of gladiators bodies to get rid of.

See also: Vegetarian, Vegan


ABC

Acronym for the Australian Broadcasting Corporation. Generally described as a bit like the better-known BBC, but with half the channels and twice the incompetence. But at least they don't broadcast "Neighbours". This definition can cause confusion amongst most of the world, who know the ABC as (a) the alphabet and (b) the American Broadcasting Company. We won't even begin to mention the Angolan Broadcasting Collective, the Alaskan Boiling Company, the Adelaide Buddist Church or the Amsterdam Bicycle Committee. The ABC was formed in 1932, and initially promoted itself as costing taxpayers only a ha'penny a day.


Ant

A small insect, about as big as an ant. Ants are known to inhabit anywhere there's food left lying around, especially foods containing sugar or other sweet substances. Consequently, ants suffer large amounts of tooth decay, since none of the major toothbrush manufacturers have seen fit to produce a toothbrush a suitable size for ants. Ants and grasshoppers have a life-long feud happening, after some fable encouraging long-term investment in the money market got written by a well known ant author. The easiest way to kill an ant is to step on it.

[See also: Ant, Recursion, Dentistry, Grasshopper]


Atlas

A really big dude who used to carry the world upon his shoulders (or something like that). Today's modern Prime Ministers and Presidents may think that they carry the world upon their shoulders, but if that were true then they'd be crushed into tiny specks just by the sheer weight of the damn thing. Actually the above definition is only mythical. Atlas was actually the bloke in the library in ancient Athens who knew where all the street directories were kept.

[See also: Metaphorical]


Australia

[This entry extracted from a submission I wrote for the Galactic Guide a while back. Check out alt.galactic-guide on Usenet for more details. Well, why do something twice if you don't have to?]

While Australia, is well known by many as being the home of the "Crocodile Dundee" movies, most Australians know Australia as being the place where they live, or the place where they come from.

A famous writer, the name of which is insignificant, and unremembered, once wrote of Australia:

    I love a sunburnt country,
    A land of sweeping plains,
    Of rugged mountain ranges,
    Of droughts, and flooding rains.

While this may not be a work of literary genius, or take into account the very high proportion of Australians who prefer to live in sprawling cities than in sweeping plains or mountain ranges, it is remarkable how the first three lines align like that, isn't it.

Amongst the legions of completely unknown and unimportant Australians are some well-known and unimportant ones, such as (in no apparent order):

1) Paul Hogan - alleged actor and wife-deserter

2) Clive James - humourist who prefers living in Britain

3) Nicole Kidman - actress who married Tom Cruise and subsequently found a Hollywood career

4) Elle MacPherson - bimbo

5) Mel Gibson - alleged actor II

6) Greg Norman - Australian golfer with an American accent

7) Peter Garrett (of Midnight Oil) - bald singer who can't dance

8) Michael Hutchence (of INXS) - hairy singer

9) Kylie Minogue - bimbo singer and bad soapie actress

10) Olivia Newton John - former bimbo singer and "Grease" star. Ugh.

11) Peter Allen - bad cabaret singer, whose singing improved remarkably when he died in 1992

12) the entire casts of "Neighbours", "Home and Away", "A Country Practice", "Young Doctors" and "Prisoner", all of whom have terrorised Great Britain for some time now with their cheap and very bad soap operas

This list has only included a few people. There are about seventeen million more. If you are thinking of joining them (ie immigrating), think twice. Then do it anyway.


A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices

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