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Developed in the early 1800's, by Rodney Database of Darlington, the database is a marvellously efficient way of putting large amounts of information into one central repository, never to be seen again. The design of the database is now an art form in itself, and will usually include:

- just a dash of normalisation

- a whole bunch of useless information

- a whole bunch of fairly important information that no-one will ever actually ask to see

- a whole bunch of very important information which will get unexpectedly lost when a hardware fault occurs (eg someone presses the wrong button) and the whole of your disk gets wiped / paper files get burnt / tape gets melted down into a large pudding, thrown out, buried in landfill and split in two during an earthquake


Death is the ending of life. But do we really know what death involves? No, of course not, that's a stupid question. Only a completely brainless nerk with an intellect the size of an atom would ask a question like that. But in fact, I have recently experienced a near-death experience, when I went to Ballarat. On an Easter weekend. During an opera festival. (Okay, so it wasn't recently except maybe in a universal cosmic historically vague sense).

Debussy, Claude Achille


French composer/performer. His confrontational politics and total scorn for the status quo led many to believe that this pioneering hardcore performer was the only punk act to be on a par with the Sex Pistols. Debussy's frenetic rave-ups offer little more than a cluttered cacophony of speed and noise.


A popular character in mythology, commonly blamed by Christians for everything from plagues to burnt toast. Of course, if the devil ever actually appeared, it would scare these people shitless.

Dewey, Melvil


American librarian who invented the Dewey Decimal system for categorising books in libraries. Unfortunately, he died long before the widespread use of computers, meaning that all the zillions of books on this subject have to be squashed into 001.64


A close relative of the penis brain, dickheads can be found in all the major centres of the universe, doing really irritating and stupid things. The term "Dickhead" was coined by explorer Sir Jimmy Criquet, who had visited the island of Dikhedos, just off Greece. There lives a race of people who spend their entire days getting in people's way on footpaths, driving in tram lanes, writing articles for the Melbourne Agenda, raising money for the IRA and/or Ulster Freedom Fighters, voting in support of French Farmers, evicting people one week late with rent, etc etc etc.


A book, generally in alphabetical order, which lists the definitions of a number of words. It is often postulated that persons who are unfamiliar with the spellings of words should refer to dictionaries. This is of course bullshit, 'cos if you don't know how the word's spelt, how are you going to find it? The people that make this sort of suggestion are probably child-molesting Osmond fans who enjoy anal sex with kangaroos in the corridors of mental hospitals...

I'm sorry. But it's been bothering me lately.


The art of making shoppers feel happier about having just bought something by letting them know that they didn't get as badly ripped-off as they would have if they'd bought it when the discount didn't apply.


Often promoted as the best way of getting rid of your money while feeling good about it, donation in fact has the opposite effect. The vast majority feel awkward as they hand over the money, clumsily trying to avoid the $50 note in their pocket.

A much better way to get rid of money while feeling good is to go out and by a whoppingly expensive consumer appliance.


Yes it is, isn't it.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices

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