This web site is no longer being actively updated. More information.
TCWF Toxic Custarpedia

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices


The garden is where all the nasty bugs and insects that you see on those wildlife documentaries are. A succession of features on spiders, ants, bees and wasps, all filmed using really expensive lenses, have left me scared shitless of the slightest bit of greenery. I've even been giving the plastic Christmas tree some funny looks. Are those sparkly things meant to be on it? Tinsel, eh? What genus is that?

I'm not sure why David Attenborough et al are convinced that we need to see a giant 17 inch Huntsman crawling across our screen to devour another garden inhabitant. Lucky we haven't got a bigger telly. And why do those programmes always concentrate on only two events in the species' day? Humping and eating. Don't they get to do anything else? Imagine what would happen in a documentary about humans. All we get to see is your average human eating Maccas, doing the mating dance in the nightclub, followed by the quick grope back at his place. It wouldn't exactly cover the full gamut of human existence, would it?


What liquid turns into if you boil it. The basis for Kernigan's Third Law. Kernigan's Five Laws of children's science TV programmes are as follows:

    1) Dried ice is interesting
    2) An egg can fit through a milkbottle
    3) Steam looks good and is cheap to make
    4) Mirrors never fail to delight
    5) Magnets the compass maketh


This is the draft for the start of the Bible, which was rejected by the original publishers.

In the beginning was the writing. But it was dark, and no-one could read it, so the author decided to write the start again.

In the beginning there was a light. But lo, the Lord did try the switch and it did not work. And so the Lord did say unto Adam: "Thou must travel down the 7-11 for a globe."

And Adam did hear the Lord, and did do his bidding. The journey across the road was long, and dangerous, but Adam did walketh up to the traffic lights. And he did presseth the button, and lo! The traffic did part down the middle. And Adam did crosseth in peace.

And Adam did enter the temple of 7-11, and he did consult the holy one, "Dost thou have a light-globe?" And lo! They were down the back on the bottom shelf. Adam did findeth the globes, and yea, he was shocked at the price, and there was a great wailing, and gnashing of teeth. But it was too early to go to the supermarket, for it was only the first day, and the Lord had not got round to creating them yet.

So he did buyeth the amazing globe on plastic. And did he make the long trek back unto the place of the Lord, and the Lord did say "Thanks very much, but it was the fuse."

But suddenly, there was darkness again, for the Lord had forgotten to pay the bill. And Adam did look to the heavens in despair, and walked down the corridor into another joke.


The bits of the body that are used specifically for rude purposes. They come in varying shapes and sizes, and are used in varying ways. Please don't expect a detailed biological examination of these most enormously complex body parts, or even a cheap joke about the size of penises.

However, as a tribute to the late, great, Mario Innuendo, from here, we will substitute the word "the" with the word "penis" in capital letters for the remainder of this volume of the Custarpedia. Nah, on second thoughts...

Generation, Older

The people that don't understand you.

Generation, Younger

The people that you don't understand.


Another of those tiny tiny organisms that you can't see, and often wonder if they haven't just been made up by scientists to hold together the fabric of society. Rumour has it that germs were simply designed to get you to wash your hands after going to the lav, to keep soap manufacturers in business.


Container which shatters at the most inconvenient and unexpected moments. Glasses are known to have properties that cause them to throw themselves out of people's hands. Glasses are also specially designed not to bounce. On anything.


A horned beast, known to cross troll-infested bridges in packs of three. Goats are unable to eat flowers, lest they explode. The goats, I mean. It'd be pretty silly if flowers exploded. Then they couldn't have florists. They'd become explosists. "Anywhere in the world, send a message to show you hate. Intexploder."


Small orange coloured fish designed to fit easily into cats' claws.


The opposite of bad. Just down the road from nice. Around the corner from great. A world away from nasty. And simply not related to flowerpot.

Grassy Knoll

It's so lucky that someone happened to be filming when JFK got shot. Ever since then, they've made sure that there is a camera trained on the President 24 hours a day. Which is why we always see Bill Clinton jogging, eating McDonalds, etc. About the only thing we don't get to see him doing is having a crap in the White House Out House.


Last of the great dinosaurs, the Greatbigosaurus became extinct just last week, when it got run down by a film-crew on its way to film a Traffic Accident Commission commercial. Well, come on, if you were 65 million years old, you'd be a little slow crossing the street too.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices

Toxic Custard Workshop Files Toxic Custarpedia