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TCWF Toxic Custarpedia

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A Scottish dish made of the heart, lungs, and liver of a sheep, chopped up with suet, onions, oatmeal etc, seasoned and boiled in a sheep's stomach-bag or substitute. I think I'm going to be sick.

Have you ever considered the argument that vomit is a lifeform in itself, subject to the same foibles as the rest of lifekind? Pretty stupid idea, huh? Well, I thought so too, until I was convinced by a most holy and devout man, shouting very loudly in the street one day. He told me that vomit was food that was reborn. He gave me a leaflet about it, and - do you know - it changed my life. Suddenly, I could look at vomit the way I had never looked at vomit before. It became part of me. I could talk to it, express myself to it, and before long, take it for picnics in the forest. And the vomit would talk back. It would read me poems. It would sing songs about regurgitation. And it would tell me jokes. Very bad jokes. It would tell me jokes with incredibly bad punch lines. And I eventually came to a conclusion. That vomit is sick.


Like rain, but harder. Meteorologists have conducted studies about the weather patterns relating to hail, and the likely occurrence of it, and have concluded that it is most likely to hail when you are walking down the street without even an umbrella for protection.


A tool for hurting fingers. Hammers are generally made of a specially magnetised metal that is naturally attracted to skin.


A piece of cloth designed specifically to be filled with snot. Which must rather irritate it. I mean, I'm sure that you'd be pretty pissed off if you had only come into existence to be wiped on people's noses. I know I'd be annoyed if people left bogies on me. Which is why hankies are fighting back: They endeavour not to be in your pocket when you are suffering a sneezing attack.


Japanese tradition. The practice of singing a song very badly in front of lots of people, then killing yourself out of embarrassment.

Harvey Smith

The gesture made by the more careless visiting American presidents to Australians. (Honest.)


To dislike something immensely. If you would are interested in hate, and would like to take it up as a hobby, contact the Hate Everything League. They hold regular meetings at Hate Hall, where members read odes to Barry Manilow, sing songs about Volvo Drivers, rip Cobol source-code print-outs to shreds, and burn effigies of software company support line operators.


Look, there's no point dwelling on the past, okay? What's done is done. It's much better left forgotten. No-one wants to know about adolescent foolishness these days, do they? Just leads to embarrassment in later life. After all, the damage wasn't all that bad, and the RSPCA said they wouldn't press charges. So just forget it. (And actually, I reckon the hippopotamus kinda liked it.)


Something containing a lot of holes, such as the Bible.

I'm going to get struck down for that one, aren't I? Or at the very least, lose both the remaining Christian TCWF subscribers.


Honesty cannot be undervalued. And while I'm on the subject of honesty, have I told you about an exciting business opportunity that could make you thousands of dollars without hard work or expensive capital investment? Yes, bank robbery is an exciting new idea, and you could be one of the first to buy an exclusive franchise in your area. For just $30,000, we'll provide a fully detailed instruction manual on how to do a bank robbery. Ring today and we'll include two luxury pure wool dry-cleanable balaclavas, perfect for those anonymous jobs when you just don't want to be identified on the News.


I begin to seriously doubt the viability of a dictionary that defines "horse" as "a soft-hoofed ungulate." A horse is actually any four legged creature in a Western movie. Except a cow.

The horse's major contribution to mankind has been shit. Such was the level of horse shit production late last century that measures were taken to centralise its disposal. For the last hundred years, all the horse shit in Australia has been taken to one place for burial: Dubbo, the shithole of Australia.


The human being either evolved from the biologically very similar ape, or was created along with the rest of the world in a six-day creative spurt by an anonymous god.

The human body is a wonderful thing. Well, most of them are. Humans have one mouth and a limited number of genitals, which is probably just as well.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices

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