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TCWF Toxic Custarpedia

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Security device which anyone can cut through if they have the determination (and the cutters). Either operated by key, which is then lost, or by combination, which is cracked by people passing who have nothing better to do. About as secure as Pyramid / A Savings And Loan / BCCI (delete according to continent).


One of those words which is perfectly clear when you look it up in the dictionary, but which is awfully difficult to work into everyday conversation, not only because it sounds complex, but also because of extreme paranoia about mispronouncing it.


What people say when they mean brackets, but are trying to sound smart.


One who blindly loves their country, no matter what terrible things it might be getting up to while they aren't looking. "Oh yeah, well I know they might have been experimenting on peasants in neighbouring countries, but Christ, isn't this a great country!!"


Compensation for having to go to work and put up with all the cretins in your office.

See also: Noticeboard


I'm pretty sure in thinking that when they first heard of the Lorena Bobbit trial, most men squirmed a fair bit. This is instinctive. I also discovered on Friday what happens if you happen to be playing in an office indoor soccer game and someone, later to be known as "ballcrusher", accidentally aims a soccer ball in your direction, which manages to hit what, we shall say, are the most delicate parts of a man's body.

The human body does not mess about in this situation. Every nerve is screaming at the brain "Christ, that hit me in the balls!" The message goes express to Brain Central, which initiates emergency gasping procedures, and puts into action the disaster foetal position. And as the other men around you squirm in sympathy, the brain goes into recovery "act cool" mode, and begins to think of jokes involving high-pitched voices and doubts about the possibilities of offspring.


This shouldn't be in here. It just sounds like it starts with an F.


The are so many and varied uses for the word piss that I have decided to compile a list, as follows:

a pisser a really good joke
on the piss drinking alcohol
piss artist one who messes around (esp.when drunk)
pissed intoxicated
pissed (US) annoyed
pissed off annoyed
piss elegant pretentiously elegant
pissing away wasting (esp. money)
pissing down raining heavily
piss-up party (esp. involving alcohol)
to piss to urinate
to piss off to go away
to piss about to mess around
to piss-fart about to mess around

I've almost certainly missed something, but I think you get the general idea. Now, I want you all to write a sentence which gets all of those meanings into less than 25 words.


"The Nastiness Of Your Flea-Ridden Scalp"

I think that I shall never see,
Anything as small as a flea,
It hops and hops and bites and bites,
And gets into your hair and shites,
And no matter how you swat,
You'll never get it; that's your lot,
And though the flea is not shaped like a dome,
That's about the end of this poem.


(c536-522 BC)

Lots of boxes. Invented container lorries.


Small body of water, which, with the right light, a few ducks, and overhanging trees, you can just about think looks nice and restful, before a bunch of screaming kids run past, throw a rock in the water, and spoil the whole atmosphere.

Post Office

A vast system of little vans, sorting rooms and people on bicycles. Together they ensure that if you need to get something sent from A to B in a hurry, three weeks after you've mailed it at A, it still hasn't turned up at B. It's either languishing in a big sack at C, or has by some complete mystery been detoured via D, which is generally on a different continent to both A and B.

Public address

Why is it that the most vitally important PA announcements - the ones you actually want to hear the contents of - are drowned out by the noise of the crowd?


The following puns have no homes to go to-:

  Chefs have a license to grill.
  Carpenters have a license to drill.
  Man's liver takes a turn for the wurst!
  Breakfast eater has fatal bran tumour!

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices

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