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TCWF Toxic Custarpedia

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices


Tampon commercial

A unique form of advertising, that shows just about everything except for the actual product. Typically seen are young women bouncing around beaches, on horses and running around gardens smiling a lot, enjoying their weekends. 98% of tampon commercial slogans contain the word "free", or a derivative. Which, if they're not careful, will result in hundreds of women flocking around tampon factories demanding they hand them over for free.


Tape, magnetic

A form of storage, tape was especially developed to make it easy to record and re-record valuable images, sounds or data, onto it. The tape can then be played back at will, before suddenly getting caught in the heads of your tape deck one day and consequently losing all the valuable images, sounds and/or data. That's if a friendly neighbourhood magnet doesn't get at it first. The key to keeping your recordings safe is to invest in quality tapes, store them sensibly (ie in the most inconvenient way), and buy lots of head cleaners, demagnetisers, and whatever else the record shops can talk you into buying.


Tartan

Checked pattern that is far too loud, but permitted to be so because it's Scottish tradition.


Tasmania

That bit of Australia that always gets forgotten.


Toxic Custard Workshop Files (TCWF)

Fictional alleged humour written during the early-1990s by some deranged git in Australia. Now known to cause permanent brain damage if consumed for long periods of time.


Telemarketing

The practice of ringing you up when you're on the toilet just to ask you what you think about council mergers, would you like to donate to charity X, or would you like to get Call Waiting put on your phone.


Television

Just a small box that sits in the corner of the room, but still manages to dominate your life.


TEST or TEMP

Computer term. The name of every file that you can't think of a proper name for.


Thesis

A work of great knowledge and thorough research on a very obscure subject, which upon publication is put in a library somewhere and never read again by anyone of great importance, except other thesis writers.


Thief

i. Profession somehow made semi-glamorous in fantasy games, by making out that they are a noble breed of honourable men and women, who have their own organised societies and guilds, rather than weedy scumbags who break into your house and nick your video.

ii. The character that no-one wants when they first play Dungeons & Dragons, because they can't kill monsters or cast cool spells.


TieTie

Useless piece of clothing, usually worn by men. For this reason the tie is often seen as a phallic symbol, but in fact it was devised as a substitute to prevent men being irritated by not being able to rub their own chest hair. The tie is therefore seen as the symbol of sophisticated man, an evolving species, with no time for the troglodytes of yesterday. "Ug, me no fondle chest hair. Me fondle tie instead. Tie good. Me fiddle with knot."


Total

The sum or entire amount of a number of things, which if added by hand tends not to relate in any way shape or form to the values or attributes of those things. Oh bugger, where's the calculator got to?


Traffic

A mass of sometimes moving, sometimes stationary metal blobs on rubber wheels, which doesn't seem to diminish even on declared smog-alert days.


Tram

Large green thing which rumbles down city streets, carrying people to where they want to go. Generally follows a predetermined path, but in no way subscribes to outlandish concepts such as "timetables". It is generally recognised that trams, like computers, shops, and a multitude of other services, would run much smoother if no-one actually used them.(*)

(*) Trams would also run smoother if dickheads in cars could remember what the yellow lines meant, and how to avoid driving in lanes that feature this popular decoration.

Computers would run smoother if not only were they not subjected to users, but could also reject programs and data, and just sit around all day humming.

Shops would run smoother if they held no stock, never sold anything, and were filled in with solid concrete to prevent looters.


Tree

Large plant form, most commonly favoured by dogs, children afflicted with climbing fixations, hungry cats, and logging companies.


Triangle

Three-sided object which, even in isosceles form, begins to get very boring after only a short time. For maximum excitement, an object with many more sides should be considered.


Trumpet

Musical instrument which is much harder to play than it looks.


Tussock

Word only used in novels about farms in out of the way places.


Tutor

One who teaches at a university. On the evolutionary scale, a tutor is barely above a lecturer, although usually several fashion points ahead. University tutors are widely believed to have very easy conditions, with only a few hours a week of tutoring, long holidays at the end of the year, corduroy loading, and long-necked skivvies provided free.


Typewriter

Writing implement now on the verge of obscurity.

See also: QWERTY


A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices

Toxic Custard Workshop Files Toxic Custarpedia