This web site is no longer being actively updated. More information.
TCWF Toxic Custarpedia

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices


Vacant

Empty. Often descriptive of a house, flat, piece of land, mind, etc. The vacancy of houses, flats and land is usually advertised on big signs outside, and in newspapers. The vacancy of minds is advertised by a lack of understanding of even basic things such as gravity, a suitably vague sounding voice, and an annoying habit of "oh yeah, I agree with you totally right.. but..."


Vacuum-cleaner

Men have traditionally said of vacuum-cleaners "what's that?" New men know what vacuum-cleaners are, even if they've never touched them in the flesh.

The vacuum-cleaner is essentially a device designed to scare the shit out of the cat, give an impression that the carpet is clean, and fill its own bag just as you're about to vacuum a really dirty room because you are expecting guests to arrive five minutes ago.


Vagrant

One of those people who make you feel guilty (for not giving them money) and angry (for them bothering you in the first place) at the same time. Actually most vagrants in this city either keep themselves to themselves by being sleepy and smelly on street benches, or by cheerfully walking their way through inner-city streets with no shoes on, mumbling theories on modern civilisation.


Valentine's Day

The 14th of February. Every year on this day, any men who have forgotten the significance of the day report to casualty wards with their testicles in a small bag in their pocket.


Vandal

Vandals are people who have their brain surgically removed and then go around destroying, damaging and generally depreciating anything they feel like, just because they want to. Psychiatrists have described this behaviour as regression, and a primal act of defiance against society. Society reply that this is a load of bullshit, and that they, with their psychiatrists, should be lined up against a graffiti covered wall and shot.

I worry about some of the people writing graffiti, actually. Quite apart from the odd desire to have their meaningless illiterate scribbles displayed for all the world to see, I can tell that the number of cool nicknames left available for use is obviously a problem. Opposite my local station, two people have sprayed their names: "Q-Kumba" and "Salads". Now, I hesitate to jump to conclusions, but I think that any society where today's rebels have to resort to fruit and vegetables to get their nicknames is a society that needs to eat more meat.


Vanquish

A word most commonly used in solemn ceremonies, usually of the form "Behold the devil, I now vanquish thee" in weird religious ceremonies or bad fantasy books. The amusing thing being that the speaker is generally of the mistaken belief that the use of a little Olde English will result in the demise of Satan for all eternity. "Oh no Earthlings, you have commanded me to be vanquished, so I must! Argghhh! You held up white candles! I'm done for!" It's far more likely to catch his notice, where-upon he proclaims "You must be joking, let's be having yer then", and drags the anguished soul down into hell.


Vapulation

A flogging. Still used by judges to avoid public outcry when they sentence prisoners to "three months jail and ten vapulations."


Varnish

What you promise yourself you'll do to that unfinished furniture you have bought. And still haven't done twenty years later when it begins to fall apart.


Vault

Like a basement, but more sinister.


VCR

Smallish black box which sits underneath the television. Has a myriad of functions which nobody knows how to use, accessed from an even smaller box (the "remote control") which nobody knows the exact location of. Somewhere in the couch, probably.

In most urban areas, video shops exist, their purpose being to rent battered, torn scratchy video tapes to VCR owners. The video tapes generally contain about 10 minutes of trailers for other material, placed on the start of the tape in the vain hope that people won't fast forward through them. Then follows 90 minutes of actual material, which in 68% of cases causes the viewer to wish they'd watched the trailers, which looked far more interesting.

VCR actually stands for Visualising Crap Repeatedly, neatly summing up what most of the VCR-owning portion of the human race mostly do with their VCRs most of the time. Mostly.


Velocity

Like speed, but more scientific-sounding.


Venn Diagram

Diagram of circles and lines which gives you your only chance to use that plastic template for drawing anything other than random arcs and odd-looking futuristic cities.


Ventriloquist

Someone whose antics you get sick of after just a few minutes, and want to throw a bucket of water over just to see their dummy make blubbering noises.


Veto

Device by which one absolute bastard can spoil the work of everyone else.


Village

Word now almost exclusively used in tourist brochures just after the adjectives "enchanting" and "traditional". And possibly "quaint". Generally descriptive of a small settlement with more churches than shops, which gets boring rapidly, despite being picturesque.


Virtual Reality

Another one of those concepts that no-one over 45 really understands. See also: Information superhighway, Interactive TV.

[Actually, come to think of it, I don't really understand all of these.]


Voluntary

Descriptive of an action which you are doing purely because you have been embarrassed into it.


A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Appendices

Toxic Custard Workshop Files Toxic Custarpedia