Yet another ground-breaking investigation
Tonight we investigate the scandalous operations of Roger Reilly. Roger Reilly's company, "Rocket Ripoff Merchants Inc." has conned money out of several dozen very thick people in this country. Jane and John Wilson were two of the extremely stupid people who have fallen foul of Roger Reilly's Ripoff and have consequently contacted us so that we can broadcast to the nation how gullible they are.
JOHN: Well, this man knocked on the door, and he said "Hi, I'm from Roger Reilly's Rocket Ripoff Merchants Incorporated, and if you'll give me lots of money, I promise to never see you again." And of course, we thought that was a good idea, and we even signed the contract he gave us, agreeing to hand over large sums of money to him, but we never dreamed that this would happen.
And what actually happened?
JOHN: He took lots of our money, and we never saw him again.
But isn't that what he said would happen?
JOHN: No, he said he'd never see us again, not the other way around. That's completely different, and it wasn't in the contract we signed. We just feel as though we've been cheated. We're finding it hard to make ends meet now that that money has gone.
Yes yes, save us the sob story about losing your job and having to make money by performing acts of depravation with toadstools.
JANE: It's just been so awful, these last few months. Thank God now we've contacted you and got our plight on television. That'll solve everything.
Well, don't think that calling us in is actually going to solve anything; we're just here to get ratings. Anyway, we chased up Roger Reilly's Ripoff Merchants Incorporated at their multi-storey building floating on Sydney Harbour. Mr Reilly predictably declined an interview on camera, so we decided to smash down the front door, argue our way past his receptionist, and end up chasing him out of the building with the camera wobbling uncontrollably, down the road to his luxury car with the leather seats, six doors, three toilets and spa facilities, where he would drive off so the viewers could see what a completely and utterly rich bastard con artist he was.
But unfortunately, he changed his mind and decided to give us the interview after all.
Mr Reilly, what do you say to the accusations that you are taking money from your customers without giving them anything in return?
ROGER: Well, it's true. .
- Custard Television
Copyright 1992-1997 Daniel Bowen. Originally from TCWF 116, 5/10/1992