Just another week of nothing to watch
WORLD AT NOON, ABC, Monday 12:30pm (eastern)... some kind of time-shift is going on at the ABC this week.
KEEPING UP APPEARANCES, ABC, Monday 6:30pm and 8pm... proof that a sitcom can keep running for years with only one joke.
NEIGHBOURS, Ten, Monday-Friday 6:30pm... I'm sorry to have to break it to the Poms like this, but this is no more like real life than EastEnders is.
HOME AND AWAY, Seven, Monday-Friday 7:00pm... Ditto.
MEDIAWATCH, ABC, Monday 9:15pm... definitely the funniest show on TV, with the possible exceptions of Men Behaving Badly and Kenneth Copeland.
THE BILL, ABC, Tuesday 8pm, Saturday 8:30pm... perhaps we can get the Victorian cops to watch this, so they can discover that there is an alternative to just shooting the suspect. Which streets that we've never seen in Sun Hill before will become crime scenes this week?
RICHMOND 3121 OH!, Thirty-one, Tuesday 10pm... if you can stand the poor reception, this show is pretty funny. At least, it was last week. I've never seen anyone attempt to surf on the Yarra before. You can tell it's the community station.
STAR TREK, Seven, Tuesday-Wednesday 11pm-ish... if you think everything looks pretty funny now, just imagine how funny the Next Generation is going to look in twenty years.
LATE SHOW WITH LETTERMAN, Nine, Tuesday-Saturday, late... yes, I know it's called the Late Show, but with everything from golf to cricket to gridiron pre-empting it, and it always coming on later (or earlier) than scheduled, it's not exactly easy to catch.
MURDER ONE, Seven, Wednesday 8:30pm... I haven't been watching this one, but it's the last two episodes, and all is revealed. It's on at a special time, so make sure you don't miss it if you're hooked - at least one of my friends is, though she took the unwise step of reading all the episode precis on the Web and spoiled the rest of the story. You'd never forgive yourself if you missed out on finding out who the murderer was, would you?
QUANTUM: TRIUMPH OF THE NERDS, ABC, Thursday 8pm... no idea what this is about, but I like the title.
THIS IS YOUR LIFE, Nine, Thursday 8:30pm... for a while I loved to tune in just to see who would be on. After five minutes you'd know, and could happily switch off. This show's problem is that most of the really big Australian stars live overseas, probably out of their budget range.
NYPD BLUE, Ten, Thursday 9:30pm... I can't watch this, I find the camera work irritating, the way it pretends to be documentary style but obviously isn't. The camera constantly moves slightly but
deliberately in every shot! And I noticed this just from watching the promos!
TEN NEWS, Ten, Weekends 5pm... why does the weekend newsreader look studiously down into her papers at the start until just the moment the voiceover finishes? It looks really really stupid. And you can tell it's all done from Sydney, from the way they'll say something happened "in Melbourne" without giving us in Melbourne any clue whatsoever as to where in this huge sprawling city it was.
CANDID CAMERA, Ten, Saturday 6pm... surely THIS doesn't count towards Channel Ten's local content quota?!
HEARTBEAT, ABC, Saturday 7:30pm... Wouldn't you hate to be the guy who plays Claude Greengrass, and get to see yourself wiping your nose on the titles every week?
DROP THE DEAD DONKEY, SBS, Saturday 8:30pm... why are most of the best shows of the week on Saturday night? No really, you've got new Simpsons, The Bill, DTDD, Club Buggery, Clive James...
THE NANNY, Ten, Sunday 6:30pm... is it just me or is Fran Drescher's voice incredibly annoying?
THE BUCCANEERS, ABC, Sunday 7:30pm... no no no, I'm not falling for this crap! What's the deal, has the BBC spent so much on period costumes and sets that they have to get the maximum return possible by filming every single book set in this period? This is nothing more than 19th century Mills And Boon!
THE INSPECTOR <WYCLIFFE, MORSE, SHANAHAN, WEXFORD, TAGGART, ALLEYN> MYSTERIES, every bloody channel, probably every night of the week... What is it with this rash of Brit cop shows about inspectors? Can't anybody think of anything more imaginative?
- Custard Television
Copyright 1996-1997 Daniel Bowen. Originally from TCWF 316-317, 7-14/10/1996