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Toxic Custard Workshop FilesCustardTelevision

What the stations really mean

What they say What they mean
Hilarious! (1) All the jokes are in this promo
Brought to you by Padded with ads by
Proudly brought to you by Padded with expensive ads by
All star All the money was spent on the cast. Bit parts not played by stars as such
Live (3) We recorded it last week in front of an audience, but couldn't be bothered editing out the boring bits
Live and exclusive We spent a lot of money on the rights
Exclusive Nobody else wanted to buy it
World premiere (3) Nobody in the WORLD wanted to buy it
Premiere (3) It's already been shown at the cinema, on video, and cable (three times)
Explosive Violent
All action Gratuitously violent
Spine-tingling (2) Surprisingly violent
Thriller (2) Mysteriously violent
Will grip you right to the very end (2) Violent right until the final credits
Before s/he was X Terrible movie made before star was big
Encore presentation Repeat
Classic Old repeat
Classic favourite Being shown for the tenth time
By popular demand The ratings on the last one were great
With extra special guest He/she appears in one cameo scene
Logie award winning (3) It was voted winner by the readers of TV Week (need I say more?)
Nominated for award X It lost
Internationally acclaimed The pommy TV critics liked it
(Any quote of overseas ratings) Got it cheap because we convinced them that our audiences wouldn't like it
For the first time on channel X All the other stations have already shown it
Only on channel X Just reminding you what channel it's on
A very special story Sob story
Heartbreaking Sob story
Heartwarming Sob story with happy ending
Every Australian should see it (*) Oh please watch, our ratings are so low this week
No parent should miss it It's got kids in it
Too hot to be shown in state X (2) We couldn't afford the legal fees to challenge the X courts
Provocative (2) Shit-stirring
Controversial (2) Shit-stirring
Thought provoking (2) Scary and shit-stirring
Outrageous comedy (1) It's got tits in it
Steamy (2) It's got shower scenes
Raunchy (2) It's got sex scenes
Erotic (2) It's got even more sex scenes
Uncut Somehow it got past the censor
At the special time Sport pre-empted it
At the special adult time We're not allowed to show it earlier
Special presentation It pre-empted something else
Movie-length presentation We stuck all the episodes together

(*)A special mention goes to the ABC for their 1995 promotion of docu-drama "Blue Murder", which, because it was rated MA, meant that "every Australian" couldn't legally see it.

(1)Said with hint of laugh
(2)Said in deep slow voice
(3)Said in booming cheerful voice

Toxic Custard Workshop Files - Custard Television

Copyright 1995-1997 Daniel Bowen. Originally from TCWF 270, 9/10/1995