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Toxic Custard Workshop Files[Great Vomits of the 20th Century]

The Grisly Details - Part 8

Where's the toilet gone?

Location & Date: Caringbah Inn (Sydney), early 1990
Cause: Beer (with heat, humidity, and a crowd).

Early in 1990 Caringbah Inn made some drastic renovations and opened a new night club "Coyotes" in the place where it's old live band room used to be. I knew the basic layout pretty well from previous visits, but this was a very crowded opening night and my first visit since new dance floors and bars had been built.

Some time into the night and I had downed several beers with my friends, to the point where I was a little intoxicated. Not being one to back out of a challenge, I downed a schooner of beer in a race with a friend. I don't remember if I won or not, but what I do remember is this incredible urge to vomit once the empty glass hit the table. I politely excused myself and pretended I was heading for the dance floor, but as soon as I was away from my I friends I made a bolt straight for the men's room.

This was where the renovations wreaked havoc with me. I pushed and shoved my way through the crowded dance floor until the toilets were in sight. I knew I couldn't hold it back much longer, and seeing the toilets so close things looked promising. Suddenly, I realised that there was a new bar between me and the toilets, and while that would have been great any other time it was impossible for me to get past when I needed to the most. I could feel the pressure building as I quickly looked for a way around, and was devastated to see this was a long way. I ran, I pushed, I bumped, and I probably spilled some drinks, until I got closer to the toilets.

Finally I was within metres of the toilet door, when I could hold back no longer. I placed my hands over my mouth and shouted a muffled "Get out of the way". Just then, about 2 metres out from the door, the first wave of vomit shot between my fingers under great pressure like a garden sprinkler all over 4 women who were seated outside the toilet door. I heard them scream in horror as the second wave came, and I turned my head in the other direction to blast a jet of vomit directly onto the back of another woman who was standing on the other side of the doorway. I stumbled into the crowded men's room just as the 3rd wave hit my hands and ran down my shirt.

Once inside the crowded toilet I didn't have to vomit any more, and guessed that there would be some very angry women outside waiting for me. I took off my shirt at the sink and rinsed all of the vomit off of it and out of my beard. I then wet my hair, wrung out my wet shirt, and put it back on. It was 30 something degrees in that place, and I hoped that it would look like I was very sweaty. As I left the men's room 2 angry looking guys came in and asked if anyone had seen a guy spewing his heart out. I told them that I thought I heard someone in one of the cubicles, and they passed me. I then went back to my friend's table.

When I got back they looked at how wet I looked and remarked that it was too damn hot up on the dance floor, and that we should leave. I was happy to, and they were none the wiser of my big adventure.

- Satchmo67

Over the teacher

I have my own 'dreadful' experience to share. I am 49 years old now, but I can still remember back to that fateful day in my third grade classroom. We students had to raise our hand to use the restroom... one finger extended for 'pee' and two fingers for #2!

I was so damn sick that just came over me in class like a wave of sewer slime...I kept putting my hand up to go to the bathroom, but Mrs. Ray ... my teacher kept telling me to put my hand down & wait...after about the fourth time being denied, I stood up and approached her desk at the from of the classroom. The desk was covered with test papers...Mrs. Ray looked up at me with a displeased expression and said: "What IS it???...

CAN'T you wait?!?!"...The rest is kind of a blur to me...I remember giving in to my stomach's rebellion...I upchucked a massive quantity of nasty stuff all over Mrs. Ray and her desk...I DO remember the look of horror and disgust on her face as she jumped to her feet, aromatic puke cascading from her dress and lap...She didn't say much...just pointed to the door and said "you CAN go now...". I remember her standing by the classroom door, hands on hips, watching me walk down the hallway towards the boy's restroom...I never made it...I was so woozy that I fainted and fell to the floor somewhere short of the restroom. I 'came to' on the cot in the nurse's office...My mom came to school and took me home.

Even to this day, I chuckle a bit when I speculate that Mrs. Ray never denied ANOTHER student free passage to the restroom...(?) I don't really know that, but she surely deserved what she got...I can still hear the class erupting in laughter as I exited her classroom!

-John T. Oxenford

Too much red wine

Location: The Hickstead Hotel, UK
Date: Christmas 1998
Cause: Alcoholic Inebriation.

It was my other half's works christmas do. The alcohol was free, so I made the most of it, rapidly consuming three bottles of red wine (well, nobody else wanted it). I felt fine, went on the dancefloor and all, but when the party finished and things went quiet people went to the lobby. I suddenly didn't feel too hot. The only toilet I remember having seen was upstairs, so I made my way towards it. Didn't make it and ended up spewing on this very prominent staircase in front of about 200 partygoers, including all my partner's workmates. Still looked like red wine, just thicker. I later found out that I had been standing right next to the downstairs toilet.....DAMN! The following morning there was still a red mark on the carpet! I have never been back to that hotel.....

- effapg

Champagne bucket

Location: A champagne bucket, in abeach hose, somewhere in Scotland
Cause: Generally overdoing it....

I decided that as my parents were going away fro a week, I would attempt to throw a party that would silence all the competition, which it did, and is still remarked upon to this present day. I was the only one who was sober, and so you'll have to take my word for this tragic event.

I decided to invite some friends that went to another school, however, I didn't expect posters to be made, pointing out the exact location and time of the party - so I got about 40 more people than I expected - ANYWAY, some guy comes in with bottles of coke and IRN-BRU (never mind!), so we start using these as mixers: he forgot to tell us, of course, that they had already been mixed, and didn't know we were serving drink in Pint-mugs. Unfortunately, the Claire in question is a bit of a waif, and so just couldn't handle this kind of punishment.

Luckily, the champagne bucket was to hand, and all that was needed was to remove the ice, and the 4 Heineken inside, and it was ready to become the most glamourous spew recipient in history - Hurrah (unfortunately again, someone else at the same time spewed into a vase, and didn't tell me, we smelt it some time the next day.....

- Claire Black

Dad's shoulder

Location and date: July 1990, Driving on the interstate in Pennsylvania, on my dad
Cause: Possible carsickness and poisoned grape juice

My family went on a vacation to New England and the surrounding states. I was asleep in the back and my dad was driving. A bump or something woke me up suddenly and immediately after I uttered "I'm siiiick!" to my mom, I projectile vomited all the way across the van and onto my poor dad's shoulder. Luckily, he has a strong stomach. My sister screamed, because she thought my eyes were going to pop out. My mom and dad were laughing and holding their noses. Just thought your website might enjoy this story

- Chantrainier

Reporting from the scene of the spew

I was working as a reporter in Pottsville, Pennsylvania, in April 1997, when it seemed I had contracted the flu. I laid in bed for the better part of two days (except for frequent trips to the bathroom) but had an assignment Saturday afternoon that I could only cover by actually going to the mall. I waited as long as I could and toyed with the idea of calling in sick, but my boss was a jerk, and so I thought maybe I could get my interview out of the way quickly.

My husband drove me to the mall, and feeling quite nauseous, I went into this new store that had just opened. I stood and talked to the manager for about five minutes, before a way of vomit fell upon me. I abruptly said "excuse me" and ran out of the store. I was trying to find the bathroom (it seemed more like my husband was dragging me to the bathroom) -- but it was too late. I threw up all over the mall's tile floor - much to the dismay of a nearby janitor and several mall employees. I can particularly remember the face of a young woman working at Claire's Boutique.

After I finished my hurling, and made my way to a water fountain to clean my mouth out and wash my face, my husband escorted me back to the store where I finished my interview -- how's that for determination. I went back to the office and wrote the story (definitely not one of my best) and went back home, where I was sick for one more day.

- Paula Ward

All over the chick

Name: Stewart "Stewie" Neville
Location & Date: Students' Union at Warwick University (England) Friday 3rd March 2000
Cause: booze & pulling a ROUGH chick

The day started with an early morning meeting with the University Warden to discuss an alleged drunken incident involving the removal of a fire door in our residences. As possible expulsion from University was very likely the resulting 50 fine each for all participants was a cause for immense celebration. This involved Mr Stewart Neville and Mr Marc Ter Braak going to a local town and getting slaughtered in a dodgy Russian Vodka Bar.

By the evening everyone in our group was well on the way to being hospitalised due to excessive alcohol consumption but we managed to make it to the Union nightclub event. My memory of the night from that point on is all a bit of a blur but it involved many double vodkas. At some point in the night Mr Stewart Neville caught the eye of a NOT AT ALL ATTRACTIVE young lady and proceeded to get very friendly with her...

What happened next is almost too terrible to put into words. Mr Stewart Neville & aforementioned girl (who will remain nameless as no-one knows her name to this day) were happily kissing away when Stewart suddenly felt somewhat off colour and vomited all over her!!! He then apparently said "there goes my chance of a shag then" and was escorted, kicking and screaming, away from the vomit covered girl who, understandably was also kicking and screaming.

- Rob Young (participant in fire door incident & another v. pissed person on the night in question)

Snow and spew all around

Person: My brother's best friend.

We were at a bar and we were all pretty trashed especially Aaron. We took him outside and he wanted to lay down. There was snow on the ground and we told him to keep sitting up. We waited for a ride and he vom'ed all over the side walk. So we let him lay down. Two hot girls came by and saw him and said "Are you going to just leave him there" we said "Don't worry he's better that way." they got pissed and sat him up. He puked again a little on them. we said "Told you so" Rather funny afterwards.

- SmokeyMick

Pizza buffet

I took my family to a pizza buffet in Minnesota one night for an early dinner. Usually when we go there, they are real piggies, stuffing at least 15+ pieces of pizza down. Robert, my youngest son (then about 5), was standing in line at the buffet when he suddenly began to choke and his chest heave in an ominous manner. Although I was keeping an eye on him from our table, I didn't realize exactly what was happening until--yikes!!! Streams, rivers, gushes of chunky chocolate spew with pizza and pizza topping bits intermingled started exploding from him, all over the buffet, splash guard (a lot of good that did) and carpeted floor. The poor kid started trying to walk back to the table to get help, but was impeded by the necessity to stop for frequent additional spews, leaving a colorful and very smelly trail from the buffet back to the table.

Turns out he had sneaked chocolate doughnuts from the freezer not an hour before we'd gone to dinner--all 12 in the box. Apparently frozen chocolate doughnuts and pizza didn't mix well, and he had to bring it all up.

That will probably be the most memorable spew out of all four children, and we all (unfortunately) remember it as clearly as though it happened just a few moments ago....

- Anne Hartley

In the phone booth

Location: A bar In Connecticut
Cause: Beer and Chewing Tobacco in the phone booth

I was sitting at the bar enjoying the first night out in a long time with a bunch of friends. We had some beer and then we had some more beer. My friend Jim offered me some chewing Tobacco. I had never tried it before but for some reason I thought I'd try it tonight. After a quick lesson in spitting (so you don't swallow the juice and get sick) and the finer points of drinking a beer while Chewing, I was off. The Chew was in my mouth no more than 5 minutes before I had swallowed about 16 gallons of tobacco spit. I began to feel a little sick. In about 4-6 seconds I felt a lot more sick.

I am a very lucky man. Fortune smiles on me in different ways. Tonight was no different. To my left, no more than 14 inches away from my elbow was a phone booth. I quickly got up, pretended to dig in my pocket for a dime, and entered the booth. I picked up the receiver and pretended to begin a call. The windows were only on the top half of the booth so I bent over a little like I was trying to hear when the first wave came. It was like a fire hose hooked up to a pizza, guacamole and beer filled fire hydrant. The small holes in the mouthpiece of the receiver did an amazingly bad job at containing the mess. My would be meal quickly filled the bottom of the phone booth. This was when my luck ran out along with the contents of the cubicle. The manufacturers of the phone booth had not built this particular one to be liquid tight. The golden liquid quickly separated from the thicker contents and began to spill out onto the floor. When I stood back up I was relieved to see that nobody was paying particular attention to my brief foray into the realm of gastro-interior decorating. I quickly exited the booth and called over my friend Jim. He happily bounced over to see what I was up to and I waited till he was standing in my business before I told him look down.

- Carangelo

Another journalist

About ten years ago I was beginning a career in local radio in England. One of my colleagues at the station where I did some of my journalist training, and with whom I later worked for some time, told me this and I have no reason to doubt it...

When he was a trainee local radio journalist the time came when the news editor decided he was ready to read his first on-air news bulletin. This is a big step in any fledgling newsreader's career and one which sets the nerves a-jangling. At lunchtime he took himself off to the next-door pub where he consumed pie, peas and chips (French fries to you), washed down with a pint of ale to steady his nerves.

After lunch he returned to the station, where the 2pm bulletin was to be his debut. Two minutes before he was due on air, the nerves got the better of him and his lunch made a return appearance. Fortunately a waste paper basket was to hand, but he was still clearing the last of it when the second-hand reached the top of the hour.

All credit to him, he read the bulletin and nobody was any the wiser. Talk about cool under pressure! His has since prospered in his career...

- Neil


Location: off the coast of Key Largo, FL.
Cause: swallowed sea water due to snorkelling.

I was on a family vacation. We decided it would be fun to go snorkelling. We went to the snorkel centre and got our fins and snorkel masks. The idea was that we would get onto a boat and then we would ride out in the ocean over some coral reefs and snorkel around and then come back. It sounded great! I was ready to go.

Before we left we ate lunch. I had pizza, a strawberry kiwi Snapple and a dove ice cream bar. It was good. We also practiced in a snorkel area before we left in the boat. We got in the boat and they gave us life preservers that you blow up and instructed us to blow them about 1/2 way up so we could float and snorkel at the same time. We got to the designated coral reefs and they stopped the boat and we got out and started swimming around. I was with my sister and brother. My parents were up ahead. It was really colourful and the fish were amazing.

The next thing I know I can't breathe. I put my face up out of the water and start coughing really hard! What had happened was the end of my snorkel had gone under the water and I had inhaled sea water. My younger sister heard me coughing and asked if I was okay. The next thing I know, I am barfing in the ocean. And I can't stand up! I am floating around throwing up!! I start crying. My sister starts to blow up my life preserver the rest of the way. My brother sees me barfing and starts to swim away as to not get any on him. My dad comes over and starts swimming me to the boat as I am hyperventilating. I get on the boat and proceed to have the barf taste in my mouth for the next hour until everyone else gets on the boat and we return. It was awful!

- Audrey

Over the ex

Location: St. Louis, Missouri
Date: June 1997

My best friend Steve had the misfortune to throw up in the hair of his high school girlfriend at our ten-year reunion. We showed up and relived our high school pass time of drinking a bit (okay, a lot) too heavily. At the reunion, he saw a girl he had dated in junior and senior year and her husband, and we struck up a conversation. As the event was getting dull, we decided to leave and head to some of the downtown clubs, and his former girlfriend and her husband offered to drive. During the drive, he handed us a bottle of Napoleon Brandy, not the best of stuff on any occasion, but warm, in the back of a minivan careening down the interstate after some heavy drinking, just the catalyst for a bit of reverse peristalsis. Steve was sitting behind his former girlfriend, and the rest is history.

- John Frese


TCWF - Great Vomits of the 20th Century