TCWF the Toxic Custard Guide to Life in the Office

The Toilet - Rules for use

1. (M) If you see anyone you know, acknowledgment is not necessary. Anything more than a nod, especially during discharge, is discouraged amongst Western male culture.

2. All conversation must cease immediately if one of the participants uses a cubicle.

3. In a situation where there are three cubicles in a row, the end cubicles are preferred. Regular users will often aim to use a particular cubicle, but if their preferred cubicle is busy, they will not generally wait for it to become available.

4. If you have a coat you wish to hang up while using a cubicle, there will be a spare toilet roll on the coat peg.

5. 93% of cubicle users will use some toilet paper to clean the seat before sitting down, even if it is already clean. 22% will lay toilet paper around the bottom of the bowl to prevent excess plop-splash.

6. Most cubicle doors not only have the huge gap at the bottom, but also have very thin cracks at the edges, which means you can see through if you look at just the right angle and squint.

7. Women in adjacent cubicles will happily share toilet paper by passing it through the gap. Men would rather die with shit all over their pants than say a single word.

8. (M) The man who manages to splosh piss all over the ramp into the urinal is unknown, but hated by everybody. Careless prick.

9. (M) If there's already someone at the urinal, a cubicle may be preferable, even if it is not necessary. This only applies to office toilets. Almost no man will use a cubicle outside a familiar environment unless they're just bursting.

10. (M) Men using the urinal must look down, or stare at the wall directly ahead, at all times. Any sideways glance is absolutely forbidden. This especially applies when "shaking the tree".

11. In the event of a soap dispenser being empty, it shall be the one adjacent to the wash basin that you have chosen.

12. Given the choice of a paper towel dispenser and an effective hand dryer, 98% of toilet users will use the paper towel, even if it means by the end of the day that the bin has overflowed and spilled paper all over the floor.

13. The only times when there is no paper towel available are when the hand dryer is so piss-weak it wouldn't dry a soggy ant.

14. Due to the laws of probability and the human cluster syndrome, the toilet area will always be in one of three states: (a) Empty, (b) One person using it, or (c) ten people using it (generally during the pre-lunchtime rush in office buildings.)

15. The method used by cleaners to make sure there's not anyone in situ before they go in to clean the toilets of the opposite sex is a closely guarded industry secret.

16. No matter how far technology advances, there is not and will never be a more comfortable toilet seat than the most familiar one of all - at home.

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Toxic Custard Workshop Files Guide To Life In The Office