Toxic Custard Workshop Files the Toxic Custard Shakespeare

Julius Caesar

Act I: Scene II: Rome. A public place.

[Enter Caesar, Antony, stripped for the course, Calphurnia, Portia, Decius, Cicero, Brutus, Cassius, Casca, a Soothsayer, and after them Marullus and Flavius with the communal gherkin, and a crowd estimated by police to be at least ten thousand following.]
CAESARCalphurnia!
CASCAPeace, ho! Caesar speaks.
CAESARCalphurnia, where the bloody hell are you?
CALPHURNIAHere, my lord.
CAESARStand you directly in Antonius' way,
When he doth run his course. Antonius!
ANTONYCaesar, my lord?
CAESARWhat did that last line mean? Tell me, I can't remember.
ANTONYI shall remember
CAESARGet on with it then, and leave no ceremony out.
[Music, 'Anarchy in the UK', by the Six Apistols]
SOOTHSAYERCaesar man!
CAESARHa! who calls?
CASCAShut it, all of ya!
CAESARWho is it in the press that calls on me?
I'll only talk to you if you're not from the bloody Herald-Sun.
Speak, Caesar is turned to hear.
SOOTHSAYERBeware the ides of March.
CAESARWhat man is that?
BRUTUSA thoothayer bidth you beware the idth of March.
CAESARHave you got a lisp, Brutus? Set him before me, let me see his face.
CASSIUSFellow, come from the throng, look upon Caesar.
CAESARYo man, what's happenin' bro? Run that by me again.
SOOTHSAYERBeware the ides of March.
CAESARHe's drunk, let us leave him pass.
Anyone got a dictionary there? Right. Look up ide!
CASSIUSIcon... icosahedron, icterus, ictus, I'd, id, ah! Ide - see id. Hmmm okay. id, ide, ns. a fish of the same family as the carp, inhabiting fresh water in Northern Europe.
CAESAR"Beware the fish of the same family as the carp of March"?!?
BRUTUSMethinkth he wath ath pithed ath a newt.
CAESARWell, all the same... Calphurnia! Cancel the fish-fingers tonight; we'll call out for a pizza. C'mon; almost time to watch "I, Claudius" on the telly.


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