Toxic Custard Workshop Files the Toxic Custard Shakespeare


Act IV: Scene I: A cavern. In the middle, a cauldron boiling.

[Thunder. Enter the Weird sisters.]
WITCH 1Thrice the brinded cat hath mewed.
WITCH 2Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined.
WITCH 3Harpier cries: - 'Tis time, 'tis time.
WITCH 1Round about the cauldron go:
In the poisoned entrails throw.
What are we making; I don't know.
But I've got nowhere else to go.
Toad, that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Do we have to do this all alone?
Anyone know where there's a phone?
Sweltered venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i'th' charmed pot!
Don't look in there, it looks like snot.
Will it taste the same.. hmm, p'haps not.
ALLDouble, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
WITCH 2Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake:
Oh good grief, for heaven's sake;
Just what is it we're trying to make?
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
How will we find them in this fog,
Maybe some dead ones in the bog.
Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg and howlet's wing,
Why not add a piece of string.
And I'll give the pizza shop a ring.
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
Now my recipe's in a muddle,
I shouldn't have dropped it in the puddle.
ALLDouble, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
WITCH 3Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,
Witch's mummy, maw and gulf
What a way to get a laugh.
Do you think anyone reads this stuff?
Of the ravined salt-sea shark,
Root of hemlock digged i'th'dark,
I don't quite care for all this lark,
In fact I couldn't give a fark.
Liver of blaspheming Jew,
Gall of goat and slips of yew,
Last time was messy, remember you?
And after eating, up we threw.
Slivered in the moon's eclipse,
Nose of Turk and Tartar's lips,
Careful to take out the pips
Get a sponge; wipe up the drips
Finger of a birth-strangled babe
Ditch-delivered by a drab
Make the gruel thick and slab:
Then we'll analyse it at the lab.

(Before anybody accuses me of racism because of that line, it was in the original, okay?)

Toxic Custard Workshop Files Shakespeare