Toxic Custard Workshop Files the Toxic Custard Shakespeare


Act V: Scene IX: Within the castle.

[Retreat and flourish. Enter with Drum and Colours, Malcolm, Siward, Ross, Thanes and Soldiers]
MALCOLMI would the friends we miss were safe arrived.
SIWARDYes, they were due an hour ago. Damned late trains.
MALCOLMMacduff is missing, and your noble son.
ROSSYour son, my lord, has paid a soldier's debt
He only lived but till he was a man,
The which no sooner had his prowess confirmed
In the unshrinking station where he fought
But like a man he died.
SIWARDAre you trying to tell me he's dead? At a railway station? A train accident, or some sort of riot? Or perhaps a football game?
ROSSAy, and brought off the field.
Your cause of sorrow
Must not be measured by his worth, for then
It hath no end.
SIWARDWell well well, poor old Siward Junior, and I thought he'd get to play the whole match. I'm gonna have to have a word with that coach. Where is he, in the grandstand, or on the interchange bench, down the front?
ROSSAy, on the front.
SIWARDWell, Young Siward had a good game. He's improved his form since last season, too. But I'll be sorry to see him out of the team.
MALCOLMHe's worth more sorrow,
And that I'll spend for him.
SIWARDWhat are you on about? Ah, who's that approaching? It's ol' Macduff- whatcha got there, 'duff mate?
[Enter Macduff, with Macbeth's head.]
MACDUFFHail, king! for so thou art. Behold, where stands Th'unsurper's cursed head
SIWARDJesus Christ Macduff, what the bloody hell are you doing? Whose head is that?
MACDUFFthe time is free
SIWARDYou'll be doing time all right if you get caught with that head!
MACDUFFI see thee compassed with thy kingdom's pearl
[Enter Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, Sergeant Flatfoot]
SIWARDShit, it's the pigs!
INSPECTORAll righty.. what 'ave we 'ere?
SIWARDYou bastards.
INSPECTOROkay Siward, your number's up.
SIWARDI never touched him!
MACDUFFYes he did officer, we all saw him go up to poor old Macbeth with an axe, lop his head off and plant it on me so I'd get in trouble. Euch.. horrible it was, with blood everywhere. Talk about "out out damn spot", it was all over the bloody place!
INSPECTORSiward, you are under arrest for the lopping off of Macbeth's head. You do not have to say anything, but we'll probably beat the shit out of you if you don't cough up, so you may as well admit it right now. Cuff him, sergeant.

Toxic Custard Workshop Files Shakespeare