Life on board the Venus exploration
craft Penis I was hard, principally because it was
extremely dull. Because the craft had been designed so
that most of the crucial features were computer
controlled (except in the inevitable case of an on-board
emergency), there was actually very little for the
astronauts to do during the five month journey. Ralph and Chuck, though having completely
different personalities, had come to know each other
fairly well during the training. That is, to know in the
sense of being friends, not knowing to the point of
touching each other's genitalia or anything like that.
The day was broken into three shifts.
This being space however, they had dispensed with the
restrictions of Earth time, and each shift was seven
hours and twenty-one minutes. Nobody could quite remember
why they'd come up with this amount of time for a shift,
but it had something to do with it being easier for NASA
to do the paperwork for their pay slips.
This made a mission day actually equal
to twenty-two hours and three minutes, and for that
reason the rocket had been furnished with especially
designed clocks and calendars. The clocks were especially
complex because the minute hand kept jumping back by
twenty-one minutes every shift, but Ralph assured mission
control that you got used to it after a while.
In any case, it gave the men something
to do. While NASA had packed a little recreational
equipment, this was confined to Chess and Scrabble. But
because Chuck was a human atom-bomb with muscles the size
of grizzly-bears and a brain the size of a pea, these
weren't a terrific hit. Ralph had considered trying to
teach Chuck how to play Chess, but had wisely decided
against even attempting it.
Chuck had wanted to bring some of his
phenomenal amount of gym equipment along, but this had
been disallowed because of weight and space
considerations. The technicians had calculated that to
load his Home Fitness Centre would have meant putting an
extra two booster rockets on the craft.
Instead Chuck kept himself busy with
the only other practical form of physical exercise
possible on board. Cleaning. The solar-powered mini-vac
soon became his best friend, and in his spare time Chuck
could be found thoroughly cleaning the rocket from top to
bottom. This of course wasn't widely publicised to the
millions watching the mission on worldwide TV every spare
minute of the day. NASA was keen to promote the men as
heroes, and the publicity people decided that images of
Chuck's constant cleaning probably wouldn't help
perpetuate that.
Ralph had wanted to bring along some of
his frightening collection of accounting and tax law text
books, but these had been disallowed for much the same
reasons. So Ralph kept himself busy doing spreadsheet
simulations of various very boring tax scenarios on the
craft's computers.
And in this way, as they made their way
through the solar system, the months passed.
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