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[On the command deck of the human space-base thingy. Replay the cliff-hanger from last time, carefully edited to save space.]
COMMANDER FLEGGLE: The cliche bomb has hit! We're going to die!
SEGA: We're done for!
NINTENDO: Goodbye cruel world!
DOCTOR: This is it...
[The camera starts to rock as the command centre is hit. Various computers explode just as if someone had put sparklers inside them. A large chunk of polystyrene falls out of the wall and hits the Doctor on the head. He falls to the floor. Zoom up on his face, as Janyette screams "Doctor, Doctor!", and all the other humans look horrified. His face starts to change, with loads of swirly effects. He gets up.]
JANYETTE: Doctor, are you all right?
DOCTOR: Oh yes, fine. Just a regeneration. Perfectly natural for a Timelord to regenerate when he is in great peril and his contract gets terminated. Now, where were we? Oh yes, the command centre is under attack.
[He gets back to waving his arms around and moving from side to side as if he were on a spaceship which was under strong laser attack.]
ATARI: Commander!
COMMANDER FLEGGLE: Yes Atari, what is it?
ATARI: I haven't had any good lines in this epi... oh my God, the base is going to blow!!
COMMANDER FLEGGLE: But the shields should be able to withstand this piddly little alien laser stuff! Sega, what's happening?
SEGA: Commander, I've just been on the space walkie-talkie thingy, and they say they booked the special effects guy by mistake! The whole base is going to blow up!
NINTENDO: Commander, according to the radar, the aliens are docking with our base! They're going to invade!
ATARI: Commander, this can of beans you bought is past its expiry date!
COMMANDER FLEGGLE: What a mother of a day.
[The command centre's ten eight-bit computers blow up simultaneously, with huge flames pouring out of them, probably improving their performance. Another explosion rocks the centre as the main entrance is blown in. A shining light comes through the gap, followed after a few seconds by the aliens - the Unrealistatrons.
They march in slowly, as they always do (ever see a rubber masked alien running?? Nah...). In their droves, they march in, accompanied by threatening sounding synthesiser music and remarkably Earth-like-looking weapons.
They are about the height of humans, with two legs and two arms, like humans, and a face with two eyes, a mouth and a nose, just like humans. Except that they are dark green and scaly. And they don't wear any clothes. Look closely and you may be able to find their genitals.
Their leader steps forward making pelvic thrusts, but nobody notices.]
PENTAX: I am Pentax, leader of the Unrealistatrons of Mothball 6.
COMMANDER FLEGGLE: I know, you said so in the last episode.
PENTAX: Yes, but I thought I should indicate which one I was, since us hostile aliens always all look identical. Who are you?
COMMANDER FLEGGLE: I am Commander Fleggle.
PENTAX: Ah yes. You earwigs, err Earthlings all look the same to me.
DOCTOR: What do you want here, Pentax? Your race of Unrealistatrons were once a noble and peaceful race.
PENTAX: Oh shut up! I'm sick of hearing how bloody noble and peaceful we are. Everywhere I look; in Jane's Encyclopaedia of Alien Races, in the Junior Thwarg's Guide To The Universes, and even in the bloody Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy, they all go on about how bloody hospitable we are; how we're so peaceful and loving, and we wouldn't hurt a fly... well we're not! We've been refused entry into most of the seedier nightclubs on Neptune! We're tough! We're rough! You wouldn't want to run into us alone in a time corridor!
COMMANDER FLEGGLE: Prove it!
TAMPAX: You want proof? Ha! Since the late twentieth century, we have been toying with your puny space projects. Such is our power, we can send rockets screaming back to Earth at the flick of a switch! Remember SkyLab in 1979? That was us. The Space Shuttle in 1986? That was us too. The Optus satellite in that got lost in 1993? It is safe, in the spare room back on Mothball 6!
COMMANDER FLEGGLE: I see.
TAMPAX: And that Russian space probe in 1996...
COMMANDER FLEGGLE: Yes, yes, I see...
TAMPAX: And the Australian Pay-TV satellite...
COMMANDER FLEGGLE: Okay, okay, you've made your point!
PENTAX: I'm glad to hear that, Commander. Because we've just realised that it's almost time for the cliff-hanger. And you're going TO DIE!
[Roll credits]
 Part 2 |
Part 4  |
