Toxic History Of The World - part 2

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5 AD
Jesus taught water-walking by a travelling entertainer.

14
Augustus dies. The Romans begin advertising in all the fashionable journals for a replacement. "Emperor wanted. Preferably mad. Must look good in a laurel wreath and have own toga."

30
Jesus crucified, followed by the biggest certified magic trick in history.

43
Emperor Claudius sends force to conquer Britain, just so he can have somewhere to go to the beach and be miserably cold and wet. Claudius decides he will make Britain the most fashionable of all the Roman colonies, and packs several million togas for the Britons. The South is soon subdued into wearing them, despite resistance from Caractacus (who really doesn't like togas). He is captured and sent to Rome in chains and a toga. The Romans work their way northwards.

61
Boadicea, queen of the Iceni, decides togas suck, and revolts against the Romans, burning their tailor shop in London. But her army is annihilated and she takes poison just as a Roman legion arrives over the hill with a toga with her name on it.

68
Nero, last emperor of the house of Augustus, begins to realise what a grave mistake the Toga Invasion of Britain was. Not for the waste of resources, or the cruelty of enslaving an entire nation, but because the togas are flared. He commits suicide.

70
Emperor Titus captures and destroys Jerusalem, driving the Jews from the Holy Land with threats of enforced flared toga-wearing.

79
Pompeii and Herculaneum are destroyed in the premature eruption of Vesuvius. Pompeii goes on to become Number One in the "Top Ten Cities Covered By Volcanic Ash That Archaeologists Like To Bore People To Death By Talking About At Parties". Herculaneum, on the other hand, fades into obscurity.

82
Agricola, governor of Britain, attempts conquest of Scotland. He fails utterly, gives up his governorship, and goes back to Rome to market a new kind of black coloured fizzy drink.

93
Trajan goes shopping in the International Annexing Mall, stopping by the Imperialism Boutique and picking up Dacia (modern Romania) and Mesopotamia to add to the Roman Empire Collection Of Invaded States.

117
Hadrian tries to keep barbarians wearing skirts out of Roman territories by building fortifications, including a 70-mile-long wall (Hadrian's Wall). The most incredible feat in its construction was convincing the builders that he wasn't joking. "You want us to build WHAT?!"

162
A little known Roman, known as Accumulas, invents a new kind of bet that he calls the "Accumulator". He wagers that during his lifetime, the Empire will be ravaged by plague, that many generals will be made Emperor, and that hoards of foreign tourists will invade.

164-180
Plagues ravage Roman and Chinese empires. Accumulas celebrates by getting far too drunk.

180
Century of war and disorder begins for Rome, during which a succession of generals are made emperors by troops in their pay. Accumulas shouts everyone within shouting distance a drink.
Perpetual invasions by Franks, Goths, Parthians, Vandals and Huns follow. The Huns are ruthless fighters; the Vandals are destructive maniacs; the Parthians are merciless tyrants; the Goths are lumbering brutes; and the Franks are hordes of men with clipboards, and pens in their shirt pockets, all called Frank.

203
Accumulas claims his enormous payout, but is unfortunately killed just afterwards when he gets in the way of an invading army.

226
Artaxerxes founds new dynasty in Persia. He has many of his people executed, most of them for their awkward attempts to proclaim "Long Live Artaxerxes!"

284
Diocletian, the only Roman Emperor to have gone on a management course, re-organises the Roman empire with two joint emperors and two subordinate emperors. He also forms the Roman Empire Steering Committee, organises regular persecution reviews, and institutes a weekly co-facilitated meeting, during which both the Christians and lions are able to air their views, before eating each other.

312
Constantine defeats his joint emperor in the West, Maxentius, and goes solo.

313
Constantine legalises Christianity, and later makes it the State religion. Constantine's brother later becomes the first person to be charged with insider trading, after making a healthy profit on shares in the local bible making company.

324
Constantine defeats the emperor in the East, becoming sole ruler of the Roman world. (That must make him an Imperialist!!!! Get it?! Ruler? Imperial?!) With the Roman world united, at last Asterix comics reach the eastern half of the empire. Constantine visits Byzantium, and proclaims rather clumsily "Ich bin eine Byzantiumumer."

328
To celebrate victory, Constantine founds 'New Rome' by enlarging the ancient Greek city of Byzantium to include a patio, rumpus room and second storey. He renames it Constantinople. He also holds the biggest street party in history, parts of which are still going.

330
Constantine moves the capital to Constantinople. Unfortunately, he hires Ancient World Cheap Removals, and a lot of the buildings arrive in ruins, which accounts for their rather dishevelled look now.

337
Having found the last of the cutlery that went missing during the move, and just when it looks like he's doing so well, Constantine dies, and the empire is again ruled by a succession of joint (and rival) emperors.

379
Theodosius the Great, emperor in the East, drives Goths from Greece and Italy, in his new Volvo Chariot. Despite the lack of snow, he finds himself unable to turn his parking torches off.

382
Theodosius makes peace with the Goths, rather than madden them and see their penchant for wearing black spread throughout the empire.

394
Theodosius becomes last sole emperor of the Roman world, making record redundancy payments to outgoing emperors.

395
Theodosius dies; division of empire into West and East becomes final. The Roman Curtain descends.

407
As barbarians pour into Western empire, Roman legions are withdrawn from Britain in last attempt to defend Rome, but as usual, the withdrawal method fails. Meanwhile, Britain is left easy prey to Angles and Saxons. The Angles, led by Isosceles, start a campaign to rebuild the straight Roman roads.

410
The Visigoths under Alaric plunder Rome, destroying homes, stealing jewels, and setting fire to the souvenir shops. Waves of barbarians sweep into Spain, Portugal, Italy, Gaul and North Africa on their surf boards, terrorising the populations with their bright pink wetsuits.

434
Attila wins a breakfast cereal competition by answering the question "Why I would like to be leader of the Huns and go on a rampage around Europe" in 25 words or less.

449
Hengist and Horsa, Jutish chiefs, invade England as a university open day prank, and set up kingdom in Kent.

451
Invading Gaul, Attila is defeated by an army of Goths and Romans at Chalons. The Goths and Romans later debate long into the night about whether their combined armies should be called Groths or Gromans. They eventually settle on "The Combined Goth & Roman Co-operative Army Inc".

452
Attila invades Italy; is persuaded by Pope Leo I to spare Rome. Which is lucky, otherwise Attila might have ruined the ruins of Rome even more.

453
Attila dies three weeks before he is due to fly to Disneyland.

455
Vandals sack Rome. Rome applies for the dole. In next twenty years ten different emperors rule. Nothing much has changed in 1500 years, has it?

476
Last Roman emperor deposed; and as the sun slinks slowly in the west, the Western empire comes to an end.

482
Clovis, king of the Salian Franks, makes himself first king of Frankland (France), with Paris as his capital. As is so often the case, many of his people are punished because of accidentally laughing at his name. Things are not improved when they discover that the German form of it is Chlodwig.

496
Clovis is baptised as an April Fools' Day joke when his guards throw him into the palace lake. Franks become Christians, mostly as an excuse to send the kids to private schools.

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